Online Relationship Break Up - Needs Advice

[brooklyngirl]

For several years I was involved in a significant online relationship with someone in another state. Our online contact trangressed into contact through other means but never in person (as we were both married). We had several modes of communication and felt a strong "connection". Both of us were admittedly lost in our current relationships but focused on what we had together. To the extent someone can do this without meeting, we fell in love online. This may sound strange to some but the feelings were real.

Over the past several months, I felt that my love interest might not be as interested. While there were certainly some complications with new commitments in his life, there was time that had previosly been spent with me that was not being used by him for some more creative ventures online. Duirng his spare time online, it ws clear that he was not making the time for me as he had in the past.

The stress and pressure intensified between us. I was not happy. He said I was stressing him out and while there was some contact, I felt that the regression was a lack of interest on his part. After many weeks of fitful sleep and crying, I contacted him to say it was ending. Due to our contstraints on communication, it was written. I am not sure exactly what message got through but it was clear it was over. There is no question in my mind that had this been treated differently by him or had things gone back to where they were, I would still be with him. He is stubborn, never apologizes and has made no further contact.

Now I am several days past this and it hurts like any other significant breakup. The feelings are overwheliming at times and so very heartbreaking. I know that not contacting him is best but it is very hard. I want things like they were before but based upon his actions, it was clear that he did not consider my feelings to be vaild. Obviously this is not something I can tell anyone because of my marriage.

How I came to this situation was really not planned and I fell into it. It was the strongest connection of my life with another adult despite the lack of in person contact. I know this may sound crazy but I do know I am not the only one out there living like this.

Has anyone else been through this that can shed some light on my current situation? Coping mechanisms? Moving forward has been so very hard. I would appreciate any positive comments that someone might have for me. Many thanks.

[VincenzoG91]

When dealing with heartbreak, it's good to find a new and different focus to your obsessive feelings. Take on a new project at work. Start a new hobby. Get a pet. Or find someone new, even if it's just for a rebound thing. Since you already have a husband, maybe you could focus on either improving or ending your marriage. And in the future, date locally. Online relationships have all the disadvantages of long-distance dating and none of the advantages. Personally, I don't even accept the idea of love between two people who have never met.

[Gigabitch]

Well, you really ****ed yourself on this one, didn't you? You had an emotional affair behind your husband's back and now you have no one to turn to because you'll be censured by your friends for doing it. Do you even have any friends in real life, or have you cut yourself off completely from everyone in favor of this e-ffair?

Look, I'm with Vincenzo on the whole skepticism about online relationships being truly valid. I feel for you, but I don't think this is the same as being dumped in real life. In a sense, it was a kind of emotional masturbation you engaged in for years. No matter how much you felt you connected with this person, you never put your arms around him, never cried on his shoulder, never fell asleep next to him. I'm sure the feelings were real, but they were all happening in your own head, not in a real relationship. Online connections are limited. This should make dealing with this heartbreak a little easier for you, believe it or not. You're not having any physical withdrawals from the guy.

You probably already know that the best thing to do is to have no contact with him whatsoever, just like in any other breakup. Find something else to do. I suggest spending some time reflecting about why you chose to immerse yourself so completely in a make-believe relationship instead of living your actual life with your actual husband. If your marriage is so bad you have to go looking elsewhere for affection, you need to either try to fix it or end it. That should keep you busy for a while.

[brooklyngirl]

Thanks Vincenzo. I agree and I appreciate your input greatly.

[brooklyngirl]

Hey Gigabitch.....Sounds to me like someone has a real chip on their shoulder and emotionally compensates for their own pathetic life by coming online and judging others (those in weaker positions) for their own enjoyment. Your incapacity here and on other posts to have any consideration for another person's situation and to focus on yourself being the high and mighty ethical one status makes your advice useless. I suspect you are mentally weak, emotionally void and lack capacity in your daily life to form relationships. You are not progressive enough or open minded enough to see that someone can have feelings despite a physical relationship. As such, this leads me to conclude that you likely seek physical relationships to compensate for own emotional void. In the end, you're a person with relatively little experience with relationships, overly judgmental, closed minded and full of yourself. What YOU need to focus on Gigabitch, is getting a life and not spending countless hours making posts on the Internet. Watch out how your treat people as you sit on top of your moral castle, its a long way down when it crumbles. Get over you pathetic life of posting and running and try to live a life. Best of luck to you. brooklyngirl

[Mathias]

Hey Gigabitch.....Sounds to me like someone has a real chip on their shoulder and emotionally compensates for their own pathetic life by coming online and judging others (those in weaker positions) for their own enjoyment. Your incapacity here and on other posts to have any consideration for another person's situation and to focus on yourself being the high and mighty ethical one status makes your advice useless. I suspect you are mentally weak, emotionally void and lack capacity in your daily life to form relationships. You are not progressive enough or open minded enough to see that someone can have feelings despite a physical relationship. As such, this leads me to conclude that you likely seek physical relationships to compensate for own emotional void. In the end, you're a person with relatively little experience with relationships, overly judgmental, closed minded and full of yourself. What YOU need to focus on Gigabitch, is getting a life and not spending countless hours making posts on the Internet. Watch out how your treat people as you sit on top of your moral castle, its a long way down when it crumbles. Get over you pathetic life of posting and running and try to live a life. Best of luck to you. brooklyngirl

Here's the problem, brooklyngirl. She's 100% correct in everything she said.

[Gigabitch]

Baaaahahahaaa! Made my morning.

[xxazurexx]

LOL....have you noticed that people will always give the 'you must have no life, you are always online' speech...

All this from someone who conducts imaginary affairs online...wtf??...haha

[Raze]

I'm kind of confused. I must have missed something. I didn't know she had a husband. I would actually consider that cheating in the emotional sense. Being cheated on, I must say that it is something to be ashamed of and I'm not sure why people do it.

[Gigabitch]

I'm kind of confused. I must have missed something. I didn't know she had a husband. I would actually consider that cheating in the emotional sense. Being cheated on, I must say that it is something to be ashamed of and I'm not sure why people do it.

Wait... you think her defensiveness might come from feeling guilty about being a... stinkin' cheater?

[Raze]

Yeah she is a stinkin' cheater. I don't like cheaters.

[Mathias]

I hope her husband is able to get out soon, somehow. It's like she had zero concern for the fact she was married.

[Raze]

Me too. It reminded me of when I played this online called the Sims Online. Anyway, people that were married would have online relationships with people. It was really sick. What a total mind ****.

[VincenzoG91]

LOL....have you noticed that people will always give the 'you must have no life, you are always online' speech...

All this from someone who conducts imaginary affairs online...wtf??...haha

It's even funnier at this comic book discussion forum that I post at... people insult each other with the term "fanboy." Everybody at that site is a fanboy.

[brooklyngirl]

Its so interesting that the only focus is that someone who may or may not have made a mistake in their marriage is completely shunned by a bunch of pathetic losers with absolutely no common sense. Just proves that the people gfiving advice/commentary to me here have absolutely no concept of forgiveness.

Those people who play the Sims may need that relationship. You have no idea what they may live with - abuse, infidelity, mental illness, etc. Not being a gamer, I have no idea how that works but I would not be so judgmental as to underestimate or ridicule their valid feelings about other people they meet online.

I guess these responders here have never made a mistake, never did anything wrong, and always believe that you should alienate everyone if there is one aspect that you're not entirely comfortable with...that is called being closed minded.

Im glad your friends came to your rescue Gigabitch. You're going to need them when your house of cards tumbles....oh and judging by the reception I got here. I can just imagine how "helpful" they will be

I may be a "stinkin' cheater" but Im never going to be a judgemental person who fails to understand someone. I believe in the concept of forgiveness and knowing all the facts. I will leave you haters to yourselves...after all...you deserve each other.