Strip Club Issue

[Humingbird]

Hello all;
My question is looking for input and/or advice on a situation with my current boyfriend. I've known him for about 8 years, but only recently started dating, for about 8 months. We got together in a rather nontraditional way, we were roommates first, then when things didn't work out with his live-in girlfriend, we hooked up. We have had a pretty rocky relationship, but we have sort of reached a sweet point, though I am accepting a position in England that I am moving to in January. (Which is another issue).

Anyway, I am wondering about how I reacted to a situation this weekend, where we went out with some friends (co-ed group) to a local strip club. I used to go to strip clubs with my ex and I had no problem giving him a $20 to go get a lap dance. I never had any insecurities about his feelings for me. However, this time I seemed to have hit a wall. I didn't mind at all watching the girls dance on my bf, but when he got a back room dance (which I encouraged and didn't feel weird about initially) things got weird.

When he came back, he was overly enthusiastic and wanting to share with me every detail. Now, generally, as I've said, I am an open person, never been a jealous type at all, but with this bf, I find that I am different. The way he was talking to me about this girl, his body language and everything triggered something in me that really upset me. I felt invisible and not good enough.

When we talked about this later, the next day, he was insisting that I wasn't ok with the whole idea of the dance. I said no, that my issue was with how he treated me when he returned from getting it. I think, that if a girl is cool enough to let her guy get a back room dance, he should treat her like the prettiest woman on earth when he gets back. Sure, tell me details, but just the facts. And surround it with compliments about your girl. I have tried to explain, calmly, what specifically my issue was but he is still insisting that my issue was that he got the dance at all.

My questions are as follows:
Is my bf just too immature?
Did I not communicate effectively?
Is there something I can say to him to help him understand where I am coming from?

I have seriously tried to be calm and rational, though I was deeply hurt on a gut level. I think going to a strip club as a couple can boost things between you, but there are unspoken rules for that sort of thing. He doesn't seem to understand at all and just keeps telling me what I was and was not ok with, rather than hear and understand my side.

Common problem in this relationship.

[Madison_1990]

in my opinion stripclubs are cheating. how can you feel respected by him if he's getting frisky with a cheap dirty stripper? are you not enough to satisfy him?

[Wakeup]

but there are unspoken rules for that sort of thing.

Well, apparently he doesn't know nor has he ever heard of these "unspoken" rules that you speak of. Maybe you need to spell out the boundaries that you have formed in your own head but neglected to share with him. If you do the mature thing and communicate so that you both know what the rules are and make them actually spoken rules that you both agree with then this sort of hurt and misunderstanding doesn't have to happen again because he'll then know not to cross that particular boundary again in the future. Forgive him and get talking.

You were cool with everything until you weren't. How in the world do you expect him to just know what is and isn't acceptable to you? Men don't think like woman so let him know how you think.

[Humingbird]

Hello again;
Both of you bring up interesting points.
I feel like going to the strip club is good for the couple. I am personally bisexual, so I find it fun for me to get a little girl action, and he says he enjoys watching that. And I enjoy seeing him get a dance from another girl. To me, cheating is more about the lying and hiding then about the actual act itself. I consider myself a pretty open person, sexually.

I actually found a list online that says rules for taking your girl with you to a strip club, and one of them is no other girl is more attractive than yours, ever. Most of my guy friends that I have talked to and/or gone to strip clubs with also tell me that and I have gone before, enjoyed the sexual fantasy with who I was with and never felt like I was competing.

This situation was different, I was ok up until the point he came back and started obsessing over this girl. I did communicate with him immediately how I felt (invisible compared to her). I think the appropriate response here is to sooth and reassure (we were in the middle of the club) not attempt to explain the reasoning behind why he feels the need to be completely honest with me right there and then tell me my feelings are wrong. I have communicated that to him, both right as it happened that evening, and in the subsequent discussions. He, however, does not disconnect the dance and how he behaved towards me after. I see these as separate events. We have discussed it further since my initial posting and I feel we have kinda reached some sort of understanding, however, it took a long time.

I do try to be good about stating how I feel about things, I have been bad in the past about hanging onto things, then letting them build up and getting mad later. He's asked me to let him know when something is bothering me when it happens, so I am acting this way based on his request and to help the relationship.

I feel like I compromise a lot emotionally for him, and I know that my solutions are to accept that he is just not mature enough to handle arguments like an adult or try to change myself because I really do care about him.
My friends, who also know my boyfriend (we are all in the same circle and have been for many years) have told me that he is a jerk and not worth it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You thought you were being cool until he enjoyed it more than you think he should have. You set him up. Get over it.

[bulrush]

My questions are as follows:
Is my bf just too immature?

I don't think so. He wanted to share a fun experience with you because YOU are important to him. If you want to discourage sharing, I'm sure he'll accommodate you. If sharing something like this is important to him, but not to you, I'm sure he'll find someone else to share these things with. Is that what you want?

Did I not communicate effectively?

Maybe. But communicate more in the future about what you are ok with. If you don't want so many details, tell him that.

Is there something I can say to him to help him understand where I am coming from?

Be more clear about what you are comfortable with and not. Are you ok with him getting a back room dance but you don't want the details? Tell him that.

I'm a guy. Maybe I can tell you how I feel about strippers and maybe that will help. I think the girls are pretty, but there is this smell of fear and desperation that permeates the whole place, that I just didn't like. I have been to 2 strip clubs in my life. It was sort of fun, a bit exciting, but I'd never date a stripper. And I just don't feel like going back, unless my friends literally dragged me there. They all seem so desperate for attention. Do you see that I think they are cute, but I'd never date one or sleep with one? They do not turn me on emotionally. And I don't do one night stands.

What kind of girls do I like? How about a smart girl in a bikini, and a white lab coat, in a biology lab, researching invertebrates. Kinky? Perhaps. But I like smart, confident chicks.

[devonbrown]

I was going to quote the same part of the OP as well -

but there are unspoken rules for that sort of thing.

The unspoken rules are rules in your head. He doesn't know them. In fact, he may think there are different unspoken rules. Talk to him about what your expectations are.

I find this happens a lot in relationships, not just regarding strip clubs. People just assume that their partner knows something or should know something and they never bother talking about it. Without communication, all relationships are doomed to failure.

If you want to be the cool girlfriend going with your boyfriend to a strip club, that is fine. Just don't expect him to read your mind.

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

I did communicate with him immediately how I felt (invisible compared to her).

I'm sorry, but that is Passive Agressive, insecurity.
This is communicating how you feel: "Please stop bragging about her. It's a boundary cross and how much you appreciate her is not something I need to hear. Thanks." End of... (said nicely, of course and not dewelled upon).

I feel like I compromise a lot emotionally for him, and I know that my solutions are to accept that he is just not mature enough to handle arguments like an adult

Or, maybe you just don't know how to communicate without being passive agressive and leaving him scratching his head wonder wtf he did wrong? Maybe!

Be prepared, I suggest if You try anything else new with him that you go over the "unspoken rules" with him so he doesn't unknowingly upset you.