Very Tough Times :(

[Lion-Guy]

It has been almost 4 weeks since our break-up and I have been following everyone's advice. I have met a bunch of new friends, took a few girls out for drinks, tried to keep busy, limited contact and NC for the past week. I was really starting to feel better until today.

Today I learned from a friend of a friend that there is this guy at her work and they have a little something going on. And that she misses having a BF more than she misses me. She told me when we broke up that she just wanted a break and it had nothing to do with other another guy. It is hard to tell if she wanted to try things out with this new guy, or if he is just filling a void for her loneliness? You would think that after a serious 3-year relationship she would take some time to be single and figure out what went wrong and what her needs are as an individual?

I realized from the start that there was a good chance she wasn’t coming back and did everything I could to move on and become a better person. But after hearing this news I feel like a bullet just shot through my chest. The pain is almost unbearable. It is so difficult not to get upset and tell her how she has broken my heart. It is also tough to see someone you loved get over you so quickly.

Any advice to help me out would be appreciated. I feel like I hit rock bottom today.

[Lloyd95]

Today I learned from a friend of a friend that there is this guy at her work and they have a little something going on.

Bingo. There it is. she was probably getting tired of you and wanted to try moving on with that guy.

If things don't work out with him, it wouldn't surprise me if she contacted you. And I hope that you take her back, ie be a doormat.

Just try moving on; you're depression will soon turn to hatred. Kindof typical emotion cycle.

[whaywardj]

LG, women very often leave men emotionally long, long before they actually physically leave them. Since people spend a lot of time struggling with such a decision and trying to avoid hurting each other, I'd hazard that's the case for both men and women in general in almost all cases of breaking up.

One lady I went out with off-and-on for a few years, called it off one time toward the end of a December and, by the middle of the following January, emailed me to say she'd met someone she intended to marry. When that didn't work out and we started seeing each other again in June, and were having a conversation about why her earlier marriage idea hadn't worked out, I commented on it being a rebound relationship. Evidently forgetting herself, she replied, no, she had decided to make a "a life-style change" (her euphemism) the previous August.

I'll do the counting for you: She decided to leave me in August, but kept me around until December. When she "fell in love" with some other guy in January, it appeared to me she'd been gone from me only two weeks or so. In fact, she'd been gone for over four months.

I wouldn't put much importance on "how quickly" it appears to you she met someone else. You don't really know when it was she first made herself ready to.

[gHEXjt]

Hayward is dead on about women leaving much earlier emotionally. My ex said similar things to what you've been told LG, and then last month I found she'd been seeing a guy for almost 2 months. We broke up in mid-July, and she told me last month that she had already made that decision in March, WTF. Seems like they just keep you around cause it somehow helps them move on more easily. When we broke up she said she didn't want to see anybody else and that she thought things would work out between us, and a month later she was seeing someone else, and still is. That's why no contact is the way to go. Since you really love her, it will continue to hurt you knowing that she's with someone else, and the healing won't begin. And don't think its taking you too long to get over it, apparently these things can take almost a year to get past if you've been in a relationship for so long. It's been 4 months for me, and I'm making very steady progress, but am still not near being over her. Just take it one day at a time. Finding out about the other guy was what made me feel by far the worst, so hopefully it will be for you too and you can start back up the hill from here and not fall back down again.

[whaywardj]

Good stuff, Ghex. Hang in there. But note: Men are just as likely to do that as are women.

[Lion-Guy]

I think I understand what you guys are saying now. I really noticed a withdrawal from the relationship a month or so before she broke up with me. There was starting to be less and less intimacy and I felt like I was putting in more effort than normal to make her happy. She started showing me photos of her and her co-workers drinking at bars after work. I started to get annoyed and insecure seeing photos of my girl with other guys. No one wants to see that even if it was nothing serious.

What kills me is that she didn't even have the guts to sit me down and tell me how she felt. She just sent me an e-mail telling me how we need to re-evaluate our relationship. I had to go over to her place, sit her down for a serious talk and find out that she wanted to take a break. Complete cowardness if you ask me.

Break-ups would be much easier if people were more open with their feelings and honest with each other. Sorry for the rant. My sadness is starting to become bitterness today.

[gHEXjt]

Good stuff, Ghex. Hang in there. But note: Men are just as likely to do that as are women.

I believe it. Just never did anything like that myself, and after being a part of it first hand, I know I never will. Part of what made me so upset in the beginning, before I realized exactly what she'd been thinking, was knowing how "quickly" she got over our relationship of almost 4 years. Here I was dying inside and she already had a new bf, which really made me feel like our relationship never meant to her what it did to me.

But you can't think that way LG, because I didn't really start to move on until I figured out exactly how she handled the situation emotionally. The whole deal still sucks, but that made it a little easier to swallow, knowing she just started moving on much, much earlier than me.

[gHEXjt]

Sorry for the rant. My sadness is starting to become bitterness today.

That's normal. Some days you'll feel angry and bitter, and some days you'll just feel sad, lonely and depressed. I personally like the bitter/angry days myself. Just like to let out a big **** YOU towards her and I feel better for a little bit. Just roll w/the punches man.

[bluesummer]

LionGuy, the same thing happened to me with an ex of mine.....we'd been together five years, and broke up mutually (although it was painful). He told me that he just needed time alone, to be with his friends and be a no-strings-attached kinda guy. Then I found out only two months later he was dating a girl from work. It killed me. But guess what?.......you get over it in time.

As for girls checking out of a relationship emotionally long before they actually end it.....I'd have to say Hayward's pretty bang on with this one. I think girls like to take time to get it all right in their own mind before they pass the news onto you. And since they've had plenty of time to make up their mind on how things are going to be, youre not going to change it. I admit it's a bit cruel.

[whaywardj]

...What kills me is that she didn't even have the guts to sit me down and tell me how she felt....

Ah. And therein llies one of the crucial acculturative differences between the sexes in Western societies.

Women learn to cope through negotiation, compromise, cooperation and networking far and away more often than they learn to cope through confrontation. Men learn just the opposite. Where a woman will tend to avoid confrontational situations by being overly indirect, a man will tend to risk creating them by being overly direct. I think this all comes about as result, merely, of the physical differences between men and women and, to that extent, is something of a throwback to an earlier time in history when "might" most definitely made "right."

In light of this difference, a woman will not risk telling a man outright what's on her mind. Expecting her to is tantamount to asking her to "deal with it like a man" would. You can get a flavor for how awkward and difficult a position that is for a woman if you reverse the demand. Ask a man to deal with an urgent issue as a woman would. He won't be very likely to succeed at it.

[whaywardj]

...And since they've had plenty of time to make up their mind on how things are going to be, youre not going to change it....

Damn. Hadn't ever considered that angle of it. That explains a lot I could never figure out, going back....hell... a long, long way.

Thx for the insight Bluesummer.

[gHEXjt]

Damn. Hadn't ever considered that angle of it. That explains a lot I could never figure out, going back....hell... a long, long way.

Thx for the insight Bluesummer.

Agreed. Never thought of it that way either, and it makes sense considering how she wouldn't even let me beg her to take me back. Her mind was made up 100%.

[bluesummer]

Well, it's exactly what I'm going through right now, so my insight seems to be a little clearer these days. I decided months ago that my relationship was done. But given the history behind us, you would've thought he would've figured it out too. But no, apparently he 'never saw it coming'. Yeah, it's easy to miss things coming at you when you've had blinders on the entire time.

[shh!]

Well, it's exactly what I'm going through right now, so my insight seems to be a little clearer these days. I decided months ago that my relationship was done. But given the history behind us, you would've thought he would've figured it out too. But no, apparently he 'never saw it coming'. Yeah, it's easy to miss things coming at you when you've had blinders on the entire time.

This reminds me of all those men who complain that their divorce papers came "out of the blue".

Yeah, right.

[whaywardj]

Hm. A fragrance of bitters pervades...