Wife Cheated, I am second guessing my decision to end it.

[murraymctavish]

Hey everyone, back in September I found out that my wife had been cheating on me with one of my best friends for about 3 months. I found out because at her birthday party, she got drunk and must have been feeling guilty, and told one of my other friends, who then told me. After I found out, I took it relatively well and tried to be very decent about it, and let her stay at home until she could find somewhere to go, and I didn't lose it at the guy either. I like to think I am very emotionally controlled.

My wife and I talked a lot while she was figuring out where to go, and it became apparent that she had been very unhappy in our marriage. I go to a military college, and always had very little time for her, and am usually quite stressed out. For whatever reason, my sex drive has not been as high as it used to be (and I'm only 22), and I suspect it is from the stress and lack of sleep I get (usually about 2 or 3 hours a night). She apparently was going to the other guy strictly for sex. I know this is very wrong, but i know as well that she was warranted to want more sex.

I also found out she sometimes would feel unhappy in the relationship itself. Things like me not buying her flowers, and things like that. I always tried to show her the most affection I could, and always tried to be the best husband I could, but I can't help feeling like I didn't do enough, and that it may have contributed to her cheating.

So, we are now separated, and I decided to end the marriage with her, but immediately after I made this decision, I began to regret it. I am extremely lonely and just feel like we should give it another try. I feel like I am as much to blame for this as she is. I am not sure if this is normal, but nevertheless, I feel it. She very much regrets it, and has apologized a thousand times, and she absolutely does not want the marriage to end. We are both willing to go to marriage counseling.

So I really just do not know what to do. Should I try to go the long hard road of mending this marriage with her, or am I just feeling lonely and scared to be alone again? I really cannot make a decision, I feel like I am right in the middle. Thank you for any help!

[hotsauce]

Yes, forgive her and work on repairing the marriage. It sounds like she's remorseful.

[davidtorres]

its not going to work out. you wont trust him anymore. you earn trust and she lost that from you. now every time she goes out or does something, you will be bothered and think she is cheating again.

why would you want to go back to someone that cheated?

[lilly1185]

its not going to work out. you wont trust him anymore. you earn trust and she lost that from you. now every time she goes out or does something, you will be bothered and think she is cheating again.

why would you want to go back to someone that cheated?

Marriage counseling gives you the tools you need to over come those problems. IE, communication, and over coming odd little paranoias.

If it was only three months and she fessed up to someone about it that WASN'T her friend, I'd say she sincerely loves you. I might be wrong, but I get the notion she told your friend knowing he would tell you. She may have wanted to say something but did not know how.

So absolutely give it another go, you two married for a reason. Just make absolutely sure marriage counseling is a pre-requisite. It will help a lot, and perhaps both of you should explore individual counseling. I applaud you for handling yourself well, and it sounds like you are thinking clearly.

[lahnnabell]

Does she want to work on the marriage with you? It's not just your decision.

It is wonderful that she felt some sort of remorse, but you still had to find out through the grape vine. If that hadn't happened, you may still be unaware anything was wrong. Did you have any idea something was amiss in your marriage before all this went down?

You guys got married awfully young. Do you feel that you were both ready for such a commitment despite your own personal obligations? And do you feel that you have the time to work on this marriage? You said yourself, you don't have a lot of time to spare as it is.

[murraymctavish]

I sort of had an idea, but I was pretty blinded by trust. I allowed her and my friend to spend as much time together as they wanted, and I didn't think anything of it for quite a long time. We were very young, but I feel that I was ready, and I think she was ready too. It is hard to know though. She definitely does want to work on the marriage though. She has made that very clear. I am done school this year, and I will have much more time and energy once it is done, but that is still 4 months away.

[lahnnabell]

Well, you can't put the relationship on the backburner for 4 months until school is over. It needs maintenance NOW. Are you prepared to start putting forth the effort for that? If you wait, you may find that 4 months is enough time to completely destroy it all.

Now, what are you doing to do about this friend of yours? I don't see how you can ever trust him again. I wouldn't even be able to stand having the two of them in the same room, if I were you. Does your friend know that you know?

[doppelgaenger]

I would personally never give a cheater a second chance. However, you seem like you could forgive that and you see some potential there for the marriage. Perhaps the marriage counseling, since you both agree to it, will be useful.

[MidLife]

What you described is very close to what I went through with my wife. I was in the military too, US Navy. I felt guilty too about working hard too. I felt like she had learned her lesson. She tearfully appologized. I too did not beat her up about it. I let her off easy. I am still with my wife. We have been married for nine years. Let me tell you something. Listen to these words. - You cannot fix her. The same emotional problems she had that let her do that to you will never completely go away. You will struggle with this for as long as you choose to be with her. It will likely happen again. But, this time she will know to keep her lips tighter. Just focus on your career. When you pick your head up from your studies and get settled, you will find the woman who truly loves you. If you can't commit to a cheating heart and be happy, let her go before there are children.

[kms]

Often when a partner cheats, it's because they're not being fulfilled in some way in their current relationship. Instead of communicating with the partner (or if they do communicate, the partner is unwilling to listen or change), they turn outside for fulfillment.

You are right, what she did was wrong - but what you did was wrong too. You can't just neglect her needs, basically ignore her and not give her the attention she deserves and needs. Even if she didn't have any intention of looking outside of the relationship, she may have found a sympathetic, understanding ear and found herself cheating before she even realized it.

If she's apologetic, and sincerely loves you, desires you, and wants to work the relationship out, then you should do that, especially since it sounds like you don't want it to end either. The key issue here for you two is communication from what it sounds like - and appropriate prioritizing. You have got to make time for her, plain and simple. Even if it's just a few minutes a day. Go to counseling with her. Give it a shot. If, in a few months' time, you realize it just won't work, then you can end it. If you end it now, you may always look back with regret and guilt, and wonder what would have happened if you had stayed. You aren't old, you don't have kids - you both are young, so I think a few more months of trying to work things out won't hurt you.

[IndiReloaded]

I should post this in Kaius' thread too. "Dumsels" in distress, LOL. Check it out:

[url]http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity[/url]

[lahnnabell]

"Emotionally Retarded Men In Love". Damn. That is spot on.

[Perryville]

Murray, right now you are lonely and upset, and she is showing "backhanded", remorse, that is why you are thinking about giving her a second chance. If she really loved and respected you this would never have happened. You are completely wrong . You are not as guilty as she is for the breakup, she cheated, you didn't. If you take her back, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will never be able to trust anything she tells you. It would have been different if she had come clean to you, instead of you finding out from a friend. Ask yourself this, would she have ever told you? You are both young enough to find somebody else, My advice would be to do so.

[IndiReloaded]

Whatever you do, don't have children. Then you are stuck. If you are so inclined, try some counselling for a while. You could just be growing into full adulthood, 22 is so young.

But if you aren't seeing progress in a few months, or things just revert to same-old, then it might be best to split.

[Only-virgins]

Hey everyone, back in September I found out that my wife had been cheating on me with one of my best friends for about 3 months. I found out because at her birthday party, she got drunk and must have been feeling guilty, and told one of my other friends, who then told me. After I found out, I took it relatively well and tried to be very decent about it, and let her stay at home until she could find somewhere to go, and I didn't lose it at the guy either. I like to think I am very emotionally controlled.

My wife and I talked a lot while she was figuring out where to go, and it became apparent that she had been very unhappy in our marriage. I go to a military college, and always had very little time for her, and am usually quite stressed out. For whatever reason, my sex drive has not been as high as it used to be (and I'm only 22), and I suspect it is from the stress and lack of sleep I get (usually about 2 or 3 hours a night). She apparently was going to the other guy strictly for sex. I know this is very wrong, but i know as well that she was warranted to want more sex.

I also found out she sometimes would feel unhappy in the relationship itself. Things like me not buying her flowers, and things like that. I always tried to show her the most affection I could, and always tried to be the best husband I could, but I can't help feeling like I didn't do enough, and that it may have contributed to her cheating.

So, we are now separated, and I decided to end the marriage with her, but immediately after I made this decision, I began to regret it. I am extremely lonely and just feel like we should give it another try. I feel like I am as much to blame for this as she is. I am not sure if this is normal, but nevertheless, I feel it. She very much regrets it, and has apologized a thousand times, and she absolutely does not want the marriage to end. We are both willing to go to marriage counseling.

So I really just do not know what to do. Should I try to go the long hard road of mending this marriage with her, or am I just feeling lonely and scared to be alone again? I really cannot make a decision, I feel like I am right in the middle. Thank you for any help!

It was 3 paragraphs of pathetic excuses. Leave your cheating wife. 3 months of sex visits to your friend. I would leave. Stay Calm but end it. Of course she is sorry, but she will do it again...and what the hell is up with these so called "best friends" doing these things lately? how can you call him that. If my friend's wife showed up at my door to **** me ...I would obviously **** her but than tell him right the next day.