First relationship break up - 13 year relationship

[dl_au]

I need some advice please. I don't know where my heads at.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 years. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met. It has been both of ours first love. I'm now nearly 30 and I'm not the same person as I was when I was 16, 17, 18 etc. I feel that we are on separate paths in life. I'm continually finding myself wondering what it would be like being single as all my adult life I have been in a relationship. Our relationship had gone through a lot. There has been a lot of emotional abuse on his part. In no way am I perfect either. I feel now that the relationship has "run out of steam", so to say. I'm tired of the BS. I'm getting too old for it.

About 18 months ago, after much arguing I moved out to my parents place. We were separated for 3 months. He would continually beg me to come back. And then follow it up with "you will be lonely for the rest of your life" or "you'll be living with your parents until you are 60".
I got so lonely and because the only thing I knew was being in that relationship so I went back. Partly due to be lonely, partly guilt for leaving.

Now, the pattern is happening all again. I told him today that I see us growing into more friends than a couple and that I'm not enjoying myself anymore. Again it was the name calling by him and the "you'll be a lonely old person". He got upset and cried. I can't deal with seeing him crying.

I want to leave but how do I stop this guilt. This catch 22. Friends have said to completely ignore him. I've been in the relationship so long I can't get my head around ignoring him.

What can I do? I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm trapped. I've lost myself. He says counselling can help. I feel it's beyond that.

Any advice would be appreciated. Or words of wisdom. I feel like a 17 year old going through this garbage at 29.

[Boisdevie]

He's worked out how to get you to do what he wants by either crying in front of you or telling you you'll be lonely. Ignore him. Leave and cut contact completely.

[4everpatience]

I need some advice please. I don't know where my heads at.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 years. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met. It has been both of ours first love. I'm now nearly 30 and I'm not the same person as I was when I was 16, 17, 18 etc. I feel that we are on separate paths in life. I'm continually finding myself wondering what it would be like being single as all my adult life I have been in a relationship. Our relationship had gone through a lot. There has been a lot of emotional abuse on his part. In no way am I perfect either. I feel now that the relationship has "run out of steam", so to say. I'm tired of the BS. I'm getting too old for it.

About 18 months ago, after much arguing I moved out to my parents place. We were separated for 3 months. He would continually beg me to come back. And then follow it up with "you will be lonely for the rest of your life" or "you'll be living with your parents until you are 60".
I got so lonely and because the only thing I knew was being in that relationship so I went back. Partly due to be lonely, partly guilt for leaving.

Now, the pattern is happening all again. I told him today that I see us growing into more friends than a couple and that I'm not enjoying myself anymore. Again it was the name calling by him and the "you'll be a lonely old person". He got upset and cried. I can't deal with seeing him crying.

I want to leave but how do I stop this guilt. This catch 22. Friends have said to completely ignore him. I've been in the relationship so long I can't get my head around ignoring him.

What can I do? I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm trapped. I've lost myself. He says counselling can help. I feel it's beyond that.

Any advice would be appreciated. Or words of wisdom. I feel like a 17 year old going through this garbage at 29.

Hi dl_au,

I too came out of a 13 yr relationship. Its very very hard. There are good days and bad days. There are days that Im second guessing my decision...maybe I should have tried harder. So much good memories and history together. Hurting the one person that I dont want to hurt. I get very emotional at times thinking about it. I feel mixture of feelings. Angry, resentment, sad, and guilty. It took me a lot of courage to break it off to the one person i know who actually love me.

It has been less than a year and at time im still second guessing my decision about the whole thing. I keep reminding myself the reason why I ended it. A friend of mine reminded me..If I keep second guessing myself then its a reason enough not to be with that person.
I totally agree with that. I want to marry a person that i will 200% be with heart, body and soul.

Im afraid, im lonely at times. I took up working out at the gym, watching movies online, spending time with my family (really help), spending time with old best friends. You may not see the answer you want from what I wrote..Ive read alot of other peoples experience online and advices...and I keep coming back from time to time again such as today to have some kind of validity that what I did was correct.

But I know deep down ive always known the answer..it is just so hard to accept. I wish everything was much more easier..but its not. Hope to hear from you.

[dl_au]

^^

Thank you for your reply. It is comforting to know someone else has experienced what I'm going through and have pulled through it.
It's very hard. On one hand I don't want to hurt him, and in the other I don't want to treat him like a puppet and lead him along.

[4everpatience]

Argh! Im sorry I havent responded. Been so busy at work, gladly I bookmarked this page. When I go back and think about me and my ex history, I try to get clarification of what happened. Where everything went wrong. What lead to where Iam now. This is a good start. You will feel alot of emotions as I mentioned before...and I hated it. There was a forum and I read the editor wrote this. In a relationship/marriage the couple has to have a common goal/dreams....without it the relationship simply cannot grow.

To comment on your last reply, Yes I agree I too did not want to hurt my ex. At the same time I would be lying to myself and my ex, If I had stayed for the wrong reason. Would you rather hurt your ex now or later on when you guys are together with kids..old and gray. You will always have a memory of your ex..good ones and bad. But I think thats why we have to move on and have new memories to replace the bad memories, hopefully all we remember was the ones of theres. Hope to hear from you...

[smackie9]

You did it once you can do it again but what is different this time is now you know what you truly need out of your life and that is freedom. You know it's right decision is to leave this relationship and discover who you truly are. If you need to gain some strength, lean on your friends for support to get you through the lonely times. Block his number or get a new phone, suspend or delete you facebook account, and your email account so he has no way of getting a hold of you. Plan to get a place of your own or move in with a friend so he can't locate you. You need to get angry, to know it's time to think about yourself this time, and know you won't fall for his manipulation again.....you can do this.

[DalM0m]

I'm sorry that you are struggling.

Recognize his comments about you being lonely forever as what they are -- idle threats designed to scare you. once you get yourself un-entangled from him you will have the ability to move forward. yes it will be hard because it will be so different but it can be done. I walked away from a 12 year relationship that began when I was 24. Yes it was hard because it was a long term adult relationship but it made me apprecaite how wonderful my husband is.

[4everpatience]

dl_au and DalM0m, I hope that you guys continue to read and comment on this thread. DalM0m Im scared to go through the next relationsip, after my last one. Im cautious, because I dont want to go through the same thing. Although it was not a waste time being with a person that long, there is something inside of me that feels it should have ended much earlier. How did you heal and how long did it take you before you got with your current husband.

[DalM0m]

They say it takes about 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully get over it.

Very shortly after I ended my LTR, I fell in with another guy, even though I knew he was damaged. He was soooo sweet & showered me with affection. something I had been missing in my LTR. It was nice to be adored but he was depressed & under employed. On some levels I took advantage because I liked having someone cook for me, clean my house, wakl my dog etc. When I found out he lied to me about something major I ended it. Unfortunately, two years later he died.

After I ended things with him I tried on line dating which I hated. I let friends set me up, which was better. I read books on dating & tried to go speed dating but I live in the suburbs so there were never enough men & the events kept getting cancelled. I joined groups that interested me & I set about to live my life & grow my business. In that context, I learned how to be more outgoing in social situations. I was single for almost 2 years although I dated & by choice entered into a FWB situation which an old friend. It fit where I was & what we both needed at the time.

About 4 years after I ended my LTR I met my husband. He actually helped me while I was grieving the death of the transitional guy. In going through the process of wedding planning as well as a number of other issues in life, I finally got the closure I was seeking from the LTR. I realized that as much as I loved the 1st guy that we never would have survived the pressure & stress of wedding planning & the other issues in my life. We just weren't strong enough as a couple. Figuring that out really helped.

Part of me will always have a fondness for the LTR guy. While he wasn't my first love, per se, he was my 1st great love. There were things about that relationship that shaped who I am today. I try to hold on to the good & let go of the stuff that was poison. Now, more than 12 years later from the perspective of time & distance, I'm certain I should have ended that relationship years earlier than I did but I wasn't strong enough. In some ways it cost me dearly because I don't have kids & now probably never will but if I live in regret I'll never be happy so I just try to focus on all the good things I do have.

It's little comfort, but lots of people have endured heartache. It's really not fatal. You will get through it but it does take time. I recommend lots of ice cream, a little wine (if you indulge, so so sensibly) & good friends.

[Mackavish]

I kinda wanna weigh in and say if he really is trying to convince you, then making threats like that are NOT the way to do it.

[4everpatience]

First of all thank you for taking the time to reply back and share your experience. And Im sorry about the kids' part.
Part of me is concerned about my ex. I know I have hurt my ex dearly and I find myself concerned at times thinking my ex is okay.
Im currently involve. I have told this person that I'am over my ex, however I find myself with a sense of concern still...hope my ex is okay etc etc. How do or should I even tell the person Iam with now, that Im still currently healing. Is that even a good idea?
Do you still keep in touch or know what happened to your LTR guy?

[smackie9]

They say it takes about 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully get over it.

That's not true....it only took me less than a month to move on from a 2 year and a 5 year relationship.....it really depends on the person/personality, and the situation. I'm sure if you were needy, clingy, obsessive and co-dependent then ya I can see that.

[Tug]

I cant speak from a womans perspective but after 13 years my wife left me and I was devastated, it took me 2 years for the pain to go away. Anyway, your bf knows what buttons to push and is doing exactly that. You need to sit him down and be honest and sincere about your feelings and he needs to accept the fact that your lives together are over. He's going to hurt for a long time, he needs to expect that but you have to do whats best for you. If he calls you dont answer same with texts, emails or whatever form of communication he uses. You talking to him after you end it sends him the signal the door is still open and there's still hope. Stopping communication tells him its over and he has to accept that.

[Ana901]

Time, you need time to reflect and go on slowly...

[woody]

I need some advice please. I don't know where my heads at.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 years. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met. It has been both of ours first love. I'm now nearly 30 and I'm not the same person as I was when I was 16, 17, 18 etc. I feel that we are on separate paths in life. I'm continually finding myself wondering what it would be like being single as all my adult life I have been in a relationship. Our relationship had gone through a lot. There has been a lot of emotional abuse on his part. In no way am I perfect either. I feel now that the relationship has "run out of steam", so to say. I'm tired of the BS. I'm getting too old for it.

About 18 months ago, after much arguing I moved out to my parents place. We were separated for 3 months. He would continually beg me to come back. And then follow it up with "you will be lonely for the rest of your life" or "you'll be living with your parents until you are 60".
I got so lonely and because the only thing I knew was being in that relationship so I went back. Partly due to be lonely, partly guilt for leaving.

Now, the pattern is happening all again. I told him today that I see us growing into more friends than a couple and that I'm not enjoying myself anymore. Again it was the name calling by him and the "you'll be a lonely old person". He got upset and cried. I can't deal with seeing him crying.

I want to leave but how do I stop this guilt. This catch 22. Friends have said to completely ignore him. I've been in the relationship so long I can't get my head around ignoring him.

What can I do? I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm trapped. I've lost myself. He says counselling can help. I feel it's beyond that.

Any advice would be appreciated. Or words of wisdom. I feel like a 17 year old going through this garbage at 29.

Sounds like an unhealthy cycle but it is never easy leaving someone we love or loved. With regards to the comments he gives you from begging you to come back and then throwing in the 'you'll be alone for ever, living with your folks' all that, well, that's a control thing and from what you say, it is working just fine for him. Yup, just fine. He brings out the crocodile tears and it works.
He may be a good man; but you are not feeling the love anymore and now it's time to make your choice. Stay and stay rather unhappy. Or, leave and deal with the fallout of sadness sure to come at first. But you must be strong and I agree with your buddies there, ignore his calls and just don't subject yourself to any banter because he's afraid to lose you. The question is why. Is it heart or something else like him not wanting to end up alone. Are you both willing to sacrifice your happiness?