"I don't do the whole 'girlfriend' thing".. please offer any advice?

[missguided23]

Hello...I'm new to this, and would just really appreciate anything that anyone could say that might help with how I'm feeling...

I had a massive crush on this guy at work for months, I always had a feeling he liked me too, as we would often exchange nervous glances and occasionally a smile..we're both pretty shy so managed to go for months only talking to each other when it was absolutely necessary. On the end of term night out (we worked in a school), which was also my last day in that job, a coworker told him that I liked him, and he came over to me. I don't think I've ever been so blissfully happy/terrified as the moment when I realised he was about to speak to me, it had been all I'd wanted for what seemed like forever. He bought me a drink and we spent the rest of the night sat outside talking, it was one of the best nights I've ever had, it was amazing to finally feel relaxed around him and be able to talk to him. He admitted he'd liked me for some time too but had been too shy to talk to me, and we kissed.

Anyway to cut a long story short, we started seeing each other and spent the rest of the summer seeing each other roughly once a week, we would go out for drinks, to the cinema, have nights in at each other's houses, it was amazing. I couldn't quite believe it was happening. I was always so so nervous before I'd go to meet him though, when I was with him I'd soon feel fine, I guessed I was getting so nervous because it meant so much to me.

Pretty soon I was completely smitten with him, he was everything I'd hoped he would be, and seeing him was usually the highlight of my week, we always had so much fun and got on so well. The only thing was that he was never very forthcoming with his feelings/emotions...so we never really talked about anything like that. We were having fun, I was finally spending time with the guy I'd wanted for so long, and I didn't want to start pouring my heart out and scare him off. This also meant we never had a conversation about "where the relationship is going" or anything, I was constantly hoping that he would start this conversation, as I was starting to develop an attachment to him and wasn't really sure to what degree he liked me..as I said before, we're both pretty shy people.

I suffer quite a lot with anxiety, which makes relationships hard for me, it's almost as if I need constant reassurance that the other person still likes me, which I know is a bit crazy. I'm trying to relax about things more. I wanted to talk to him and see him all the time, perhaps like a boyfriend, but was starting to get the impression he didn't feel the same way. I don't want that to sound like I was bombarding him with messages and calls all the time, I really wasn't. I started to be the one who would always get in contact first though. When we were on separate nights out with our friends, and it turned out we were pretty nearby, I would sometimes suggest meeting up, but he never seemed very keen, maybe he didn't want me to meet his friends yet? We were still seeing each other every weekend, and always had a great time, I know he felt the same about that, but something didn't feel quite right.

We'd been seeing each other for 3 months at this point, and it was starting to get to me and upset me, so I decided I wouldn't contact him for a few days, to see if he would contact me. I thought that if he really liked me then he would want to speak to me. But he didn't. We'd gone for a few days without any contact, and I decided to bite the bullet and have 'the conversation'. I knew there was obviously a chance I was going to hear something I didn't want to hear, but I felt like I had to take that chance, as the not-knowing was really starting to torture me. I liked this guy, a ridiculous amount, and didn't want to be strung along and end up getting more hurt further down the line.

He came round the next day and I just came out and asked him what he wanted to happen with us. He said the following:

"We've obviously reached a point where this needs to go one way or the other..I feel like we want different things, I think you want a boyfriend, and I don't think I'm the right person"
"I don't really do the whole 'girlfriend' thing"
"Maybe I need to grow up"
"You haven't done anything wrong and shouldn't have done anything differently. You know I think you're lovely and very attractive"
Then the one which really hurt as it couldn't be further from the truth: "Last week when I was round here I felt like you weren't really interested anymore"
"I think we're quite different and sometimes we don't have much to talk about" - was he making excuses to convince himself this was the right thing to do? We never struggled for conversation and had plenty in common as far as I was concerned.
He said he'd hoped I would get annoyed...ha, I guess that would make it easier maybe??

He ended on "I'm probably going to regret this..." which just added to my confusion.

I held it together, but wasn't really sure what I could say. He seemed to have made his mind up already. He somehow managed to avoid the phrase "it's not you, it's me.." but that basically what he was saying.

He asked if it would be wrong to hug me, which I said it wouldn't be, we lay on my bed together for a while, but then he said he thought he should go. He kissed me on the forehead as we got up to walk to the door. At this point my mind was spinning, thinking would I ever see him again?? As we walked down the stairs in my house he offered to drive me to the train station (I was going to visit a friend for the weekend) but I said no, then we had a horrible awkward moment when we were like "so..bye then..". He left and I burst into tears.
It's all a bit of a blur to be honest, I was so gutted and it didn't really seem real...even though I know I was half expecting it.

It's fair enough that he didn't want to be my boyfriend, the part that bothers me is that he doesn't 'do the whole girlfriend thing'...does this mean he's just scared of commitment? He's only had one long term girlfriend before, and that ended a couple of years ago from what I understand. Does this mean he's just never going to want a girlfriend or relationship though?? He seems to like his single life, he's in no way a player or anything, I got the impression he just thinks girlfriends are terrifying things...if it is the case that he's going to try to avoid relationships for as long as he can (he's 26 by the way), then it's a terrible waste as I'm sure he would be a fantastic boyfriend if he gave himself the chance.

Thinking back, there was one time when we were talking about something and I jokingly said "I think we're a bit early in the relationship for that..", just as a throwaway comment. He laughed, but sounded slightly panicked and said "woah don't say the R word!". This was after at least a month of seeing each other. I didn't think much of it at the time.

It just frustrates me as I'm trying so hard to get over him (this is all quite fresh, we only ended it 2 weeks ago), but there's a part of me that keeps wondering if he really does regret it, but just won't say anything. He tried to make it clear to me that there was nothing he didn't like about me, he just doesn't do relationships. Should I just keep trying to forget about him? I know these things take time. I just can't stop thinking about him, however hard I keep trying. He's still the first and last thing I think of every day, I even keep having dreams about him. It's like there's no escape. I miss him so much and just want to see him, even just one more time. There's so many things I never got the chance to say to him, things I wanted to talk about and find out about him, things I wanted us to do together..if I'd known that the last time we saw each other (before the break up day), would be the last, then I would've done things so differently. I know all of this probably sounds totally cliched, I just feel frustrated that he's slipped away when we always had such an amazing time together, and I don't feel like there's a proper reason. No one did anything wrong and it was all going so well.

Writing this has actually been quite theraputic in itself... I'm not really sure what I even want anyone to say...should I just give up? Our split was perfectly amicable, there was no arguing or crying..I just felt like he was saying these things even though he still maybe wanted to be with me..he just wouldn't let himself. Does that make any sense at all? Or am I just telling myself what I want to hear? The fact that he said he thought he would regret his decision is getting to me too. Should I just be grateful that this happened after 3 months, rather than 6?

If anyone has read all of my ramblings you seriously deserve a medal haha. It's just so hard to get over someone who you don't want to get over.

[reeba]

Hello...I'm new to this, and would just really appreciate anything that anyone could say that might help with how I'm feeling...


Anyway to cut a long story short,

Hate to see the long version of this....

[searock]

He never wanted a serious relationship with you. He was probably seeing other girls all along, that's why he didn't want you two to meet up outside of your weekly date. As soon as he realized you wanted something serious, he left.

What you learn from this experience is that when you start dating a new guy, you need to communicate your needs and expectations as soon as possible, instead of blindly believing that they will soon magically coincide with his.

[vashti]

Unfortunately, for all the promise you saw and hope you felt for this relationship, it only takes ONE of you to decide it's not gonna work. He's looked at all the good things you have to offer, and has decided to pass. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner you will be able to continue looking for the man who was meant to be yours.

BTW, it's HIS issue, not yours. You just invested in the wrong guy. A guy who really wants you won't let days go by without some sort of contact.

Sorry, hun. Do your grieving, and be proud of the fact that you didn't do anything stupid, so your dignity can remain intact.

[smackie9]

This is what dating is all about...to see if both of you get along, and if the both of you have feelings progress into something more serious....in his case they didn't. Everyone is right...you need to communicate your expectations early on. His comments were missed marks because you were to busy with how you felt. Obviously this turned out one sided and it does happen. Shitty deal that is all. Sorry for your loss.

[IndiReloaded]

Dance a jig. Bullet dodged. Next!