SABOTAGED to get her back.

[David V.]

Hello everyone. I am new to these places. My name is David.


My issue is the following. My partner broke up with me two weeks ago, after a three year relationship. I came crying to my house, and told everything to my mother.

In the following days, I had been researching how to get her back, and how to improve myself in order to deserve so.


But yesterday I discovered I was sabotaged. My mother sent her hate mail, fully intending to burn my chances of meeting her again, and as a result, she wants nothing to do with me again, and likely she hates me now.

Is there anything I can do about this?

I already sent her my own mail in which I try my hardest to state to her I had nothing to do with it, and it was done without my consent or even knowledge.

[sookie6]

Bloody hell....

I can't believe your mother did something so immature...it's mother's love at its worst...

Now what can you do...not much I am afraid but I suggest you sort your moms behaviour out now before she gets used to meddling in your life...

And how did she get your gfriend's email?

I'd hate it if my mother did something so intrusive and silly!!!

Just make sure this doesn't ever happen again.

[lhn]

Jesus, Whats wrong with your mother!!! That is so immature I feel angry FOR you.

I would let things cool off for a while but this is going to be pretty tough to both deal with and to turn it around.

Man, I feel sorry for u.

PS. Don't forget to let your mother have it! That was completely out of line and she should know it!

[Nomie]

David I feel for you! I wish I could say something that will help you. That's what happened to me also at least you knew who did that to you, mine is another story. My fiance of 10 years broke up with me because he believe that I go through to his private e-mails, what hurts me most is that he didn't even give me a chance to plead my innocent he just crusified me through e-mails, by dumping me. The worse part I discovered that I am pregnant and I am not sure how to tell him cause I am still angry and upset with the whole situation.
I am not trying to compare your situation over mine all I am saying if you love her please fight for her. She is hurt for now, just make her understand. If she loves you, you will win her back, but is not going to be easy. Just use your charmer that you used before.

[David V.]

The breakup, even if harsh and not in my face [it was via email], was legitimate. I became codependant, and thus deserved it.

But that day, two weeks ago when it happened, I was completely broken. So broken I thought it right to confide in my mother. I thought she would support me.

My partner was a wonderful woman, whose eventual thinning patience made her look only as a fallible human being in my eyes. But my mother made her look like she was a psychopath who enjoyed puppeteering males to do her bidding. She attempted to make me believe she was an utter btch who did not deserve me.

....and she abused, threatened and blackmailed me to tell her every little secret, to show her every single picture, even some inappropriate ones, and to give her her email. I, already broken as I was, had no choice than to comply.
But I begged her to NOT send her anything. It was our business only. She said nothing.


It was yesterday that I finally found out, that the very day I came home crying after the breakup, my mother sent her extremely venomous hate mail.

I was in a MURDEROUS mood when I found out, but my selfcontrol reined in, at the very end. She gleefully defended her action, saying she was only the latest of a long string of generations of mothers who thought it right to shoo away their offspring's "bad influences". When I told her it would be her fault that my now expartner would hate me, possibly forever, the only thing she said was

"LET HER HATE YOU! THE LITTLE BTCH, I ONLY DID WHAT I HAD TO. NO ONE BREAKS MY SON'S HEART AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! I ADDRESSED AS WHAT SHE REALLY IS."

By now I am desperate to clean my image in any way I can. I cannot sleep with myself knowing that a moment of weakness was exploited to burn my chances of bonding ever again with the only woman I have ever loved.

============

Some days after the breakup, I attempted to contact her to tell her I grew able to accept it for what it was, and that I willingly wanted to grow on my own, so that someday I would be worthy of her once more.

But she did not let me. She said she was "done talking to you". Back then I thought it was only because I made the mistake of contacting her too early.

But It is now that I found exactly WHY was her response like this. WHY did she avoid me like the plague.
And WHO to thank for it.


......
is there any way, NC included, in which I can hope to fix this?
is there any way in which I am supposed to live peacefully, with such an enormous failure behind me?

......is there any possibility she could ever allow me to show face someday?

This was the same woman who, in our best times, said she was happiest to have me as her first AND ONLY love....the same woman who wanted to be with me forever..the woman I wanted a future with..the woman whom I did everything for, even if that precise thinking got out of my control and led her to break up.

I CANNOT be at ease knowing she most likely hates me. I want her back, someday, somehow. I know I do not deserve her right now, and I know I must find the way to rediscover myself before I do.

...but have my mother's actions really sealed my fate?

[LailaK]

You told your mother everything about your relationship, all the secrets, and showed her inappropriate photos? Then what's happened is as much your fault as your Mom's. I would be livid if I found out my ex did something like that.

[sookie6]

....and she abused, threatened and blackmailed me to tell her every little secret, to show her every single picture, even some inappropriate ones, and to give her her email. I, already broken as I was, had no choice than to comply.
But I begged her to NOT send her anything. It was our business only. She said nothing.


...but have my mother's actions really sealed my fate?

You mentioned some co-dependency issues in your relationship. Do you not think that your mother created these issues as well.
If you ever want a relationship of your own you are gonna need to distance yourself from your mother BIG TIME!

Your mother has no business whatsoever intruding in your private life. This was your secret garden, your personal life...you gave her control over all that and would I be your gfriend I would feel betrayed.

This should be the critical crisis that makes you land on your realistic bottom!!!
There was a line that you helped your mother cross (she actually went overboard!) and now you are paying the price for it.


Whatever happens from now you will be angry, resent your mom but I bet you at some point in the future you will be back under her spell!!

And no need to cry when the scenario happens again with the same or a different woman.

IN your shoes I would distance myself geographically from my mother.

First step towards emotional emancipation.

I am sorry for the pain you're going trough...

[Gigabitch]

That will teach you to go crying to mommy.

[David V.]

Yes. I only meant to tell her the outline, but she by all means forced me to tell her everything. Was I wrong in believing my mother would be supportive of me in my lowest point?

And I do feel like complete and utter trash for having allowed myself to do that...thank you very much. I struggle to live with myself as it is, knowing what a moment of weakness has brought.

[sookie6]

Yes. I only meant to tell her the outline, but she by all means forced me to tell her everything. Was I wrong in believing my mother would be supportive of me in my lowest point?

And I do feel like complete and utter trash for having allowed myself to do that...thank you very much. I struggle to live with myself as it is, knowing what a moment of weakness has brought.

Listen don't be too harsh on yourself...learn from your mistake...

Just don't do it again!

[David V.]

That lesson cost me the ultimate pain. Emotional, psychological and even physical. Of course I will not do it again.

At the moment, I do realize I deserve everything I have gotten so far. Her breakup. Her avoidance. Her completely and utterly tainted thought of me. I dare say, even her hate.


......but I do not want to deserve it forever....I cannot live with that.

[Gigabitch]

I had a high school boyfriend whose mom grabbed the phone away from him while we were having a fight and called me a selfish little bitch. It totally backfired on her because my boyfriend finally saw that she was hateful and trying to break us up and he wouldn't listen to a word she said after that day.

[sookie6]

Let some time go by okay?

Over time passion will run dry...you 'll learn to forgive yourself and hopefully your ex will accept at least to discuss the issue with you.
I'd say give it a couple of weeks and then politely request a 'closure conversation' with her in a private place.
At least you'll get a chance to explain yourself in calm and non hysterical manner.

But please do not beg! Do not cry!

Then Non Contact rules. If she wants you back she will let you know.

But if she doesn't you'll just have to live with it and move on.

Address your co-dependency issues before considering a relationship. This is really important if you want things to work out for you.

Take care Dave

x

[David V.]

I doubt she would allow that.

However, just as I sent her my explanation of why it happened and how I definitely did NOT want it to, I also sent her mail about how my true feelings were. Of how I understood I had to become strong without her, and how I finally came to accept this.


I can only wonder if she read it, though. I might as well be better applying NC this instant.

And by now, I have researched thoroughly enough to get it through my thick head that begging or crying will only backfire on me.

[rick_bachman]

While my situation is not the same as yours, my wife and I broke up several times when we first started dating. Each time I kept going back for more, and I slowly worked my way back into her life. We were married a few years later. Each time we broke up (or at this point have an argument) I strive to make things better with her.

My advice is to be her friend. Send her a thoughtful email or letter once some time has passed. If she ends up dating someone else, let her be happy, and be there for her. My guess is that this mother thing is going to take some time to blow over. In the mean time, enjoy being single and work on those improvements that she mentioned when you broke up.