He wanted a relationship? But he's still on dating sites!

[lithiumflower86]

Hey everyone. I've been single for a long time, but recently started seeing this guy quite seriously. We started of as friends, but then started dating, and, well, yeah.

Anyway, he wanted a commitment - for me to be his girlfriend. I was hesitant, because it's hard for me to trust. But I really like him and so I agreed. According to him, we've actually been together for about 2 months. There was some misunderstanding, but as far as he was concerned, we've been a couple since January.
But I know that he's still semi-active on dating websites he (and I) have been on. He has a 'Preface' on one saying he is "taking a break from this site, and won't be checking or responding to messages very often", and changed 'What I am Looking For' to activity partners and friends, but he didn't say in the Preface that he was "taking a break" from the site because he has a girlfriend. Nor did he change his status - it still says "single".
And he last logged in a few days ago. Strangely enough the night he went home after spending what he said was a great weekend with me...

On a different site, he did the same thing. Only he changed his status to "Not Single/Not Looking". Not single? He's the one who wanted me to be commit!

He doesn't know I know this, because although I was able to find HIM on these sites, he never found me.

What does this mean? Have I been tricked? He's always going on about how honest, trustworthy and reliable he is, and it's been backed up by his friendships, not just with me, but with everyone. But this doesn't sit well with me.

He wanted the label of 'boyfriend', yet didn't change his status (or suspend his account, which I did on one of the sites). And according to him, we've been together for two months.
What should I make of all this?

And more importantly, what should I do?

It's upsetting me more than it probably should, but it makes me feel like I'm a temp. until he finds someone else, something better. He said he believes one shouldn't be going out with someone and still be looking for other people, so why would he be keeping these active accounts?

Any insight or advice would be really helpful. I'm hesitant to bring it up, because then he'll know that I found him on these sites. Even though I found him way before we were dating - he even referred me to one of them. And I don't want him to change this because I DEMAND it or anything. I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend.
But I'm wondering what this situation means he actually wants....

[vashti]

"Not single/not looking" sounds like "unavailable" to me, so I don't really understand what the problem is...

He probably keeps these accounts open because you two have only been dating a very short time. At this point, who knows if this relationship will last? I suggest you let him know in a subtle way that you ALSO have accounts with these sites that you haven't closed. Maybe then you can both agree to close them at the same time (although as a matter of practicality, I dont really see why it should be necessary until you have passed through the honeymoon period of maybe 6+ months).

[alovehangoverr]

"Not single/not looking" sounds like "unavailable" to me, so I don't really understand what the problem is...

He probably keeps these accounts open because you two have only been dating a very short time. At this point, who knows if this relationship will last? I suggest you let him know in a subtle way that you ALSO have accounts with these sites that you haven't closed. Maybe then you can both agree to close them at the same time (although as a matter of practicality, I dont really see why it should be necessary until you have passed through the honeymoon period of maybe 6+ months).

I agree with this.

But just to add-- I understand why you're upset, it seems like a fairly logical thing for him to stop frequenting those sites now that he's found a relationship. Even if he changes what he's looking for to "friends," if it's on a site primarily focused on dating, I'm not sure that's what he's going to be able to find.

If you're truly uncomfortable with this, you need to talk to him about it.

[DarkDwarf]

I don't know. I've always considered petty little words and statuses on the internet to be nothing more than... petty little words and statuses on the internet. I wouldn't look too much into it. I was in a relationship for about three months before I changed my Facebook status. And I used Facebook over five times a week.

[lithiumflower86]

Ok. A lot of this makes sense to me, I guess. I've not been in many relationships. But maybe he's just keeping it open in case things don't work out between us. There are weird things going on in our social circle after all, and our relationship is a secret because of a certain other friend found out, he'd disown us both. But my BF is getting sick of this and it seems like he's "chosen" me, and I did not pressure him to do that. But I guess having these sites open is ok 'in case'.
But there is the option to 'suspend your account'.


To be honest, I'm terrified of being cheated on (I've seen a lot in my few 22 years that I guess I should not have seen). Which is why this status thing scares me so much. And I'm pretty positive my father cheated on his last girlfriend using one of these sites... Maybe I should tell my boyfriend that...

The "Not single/not looking" status is on the website he actually doesn't care for much :/ The "single" status is still up on the site he actually thinks is decent and used a lot. But doesn't go on as much anymore...

Maybe I'm overreacting. I just feel like I've given out a label that means a lot to me - the 'girlfriend' label - and it hasn't been handled with the utmost care.

[timeless86]

I think your being paranoid to be honest. You said you have trouble trusting people and ya, this is why.

Your worrying about nothing. There could be a dozen reasons why he is going on those sites. Maybe he is just bored and just wants to check them out. It doesn't mean he is looking

If it bothers you that much. ASK HIM about it. Communication is key in a "relationship". So, do it.