At my wit's end, please help..

[Darko]

Hi folks, I am writing this because I need some advice. I'm currently stuck in between a rock and a hard place, and neither option is very appealing, but something needs to be done. I would appreciate if you could take the time to read. Thanks.

I have fallen in love with a colleague of mine, but I don't think she likes me in the same way. We're close at work, and she is a little flirty at times, and that was what (mistakenly) led me into thinking that she was interested in me.

At work, she likes to talk to me and we end up joking a lot (mostly me). She does laugh and seems genuinely happy to be around me. I took that as mental/emotional cues to continue the budding relationship, and now, I seem to be paying for my mistakes.

She enjoys my jokes, wants to be around me often, and seems to like the attention I lavish on her.

My group of colleagues all notice that we're a little close together, and have often made comments out of that. That's the extent of our so-called relationship, and that's pretty much where it ends.

Outside of work, she doesn't initiate conversations, and hardly even replies to any of mine. I have asked her to have dinner with me on several occassions, and all of them were either turned down, or she just gave a really lousy reason, and didn't show up afterwards.

There were even a few times when I had the opportunity to spend more time with her outside of the office, but she seemed to be more interested in pushing me away by suggesting that I go home instead of waiting around with her.

In a nutshell, her behavior in the office is very different from outside of it. In the office, she likes to talk to me and be around me, but when we're done with work, she doesn't want to spend too much time with me, she doesn't text/msg, she doesn't meet me for simple occassions like dinner, and she seems to be chasing me away.

I'm really at my wit's end now. I've fallen really hard for this girl, but her behavior is giving me a lot of heartache. Not only have I considered quitting my job to get away from it all, but I have also already attempted several (unsuccessful) interviews at other organizations/positions.

I guess in the end, I just need to know what you guys think. Am I foolish to hold on to this hope that she does actually like me? Or should I just take it in my stride, no matter how painful, and move on? I really want to do the latter, but I guess I'm just always clinging on to that last bit of hope.

Please, help me. I don't know what else to do.

Thanks.

[Boisdevie]

Am I foolish to hold on to this hope that she does actually like me?

Yes. She is toying with you. Be polite and pleasant at work, no more.

[Jason250]

it is amazing

[dem862]

She just wants a work friend. She probably has other options outside of work and you are not her preferred companion in her social life. You just need to accept this. You can choose to be her work friend or not. That is up to you. Although it will not be very fulfilling for you since you have developed deeper feelings for her. You enjoy the attention at work, but as you realize, that is the extent of it. Work is the place you go to earn money, it is not a good idea to look for social or romantic outlets there as well. Those will usually result in awkwardness that is difficult to escape.

[Darko]

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, it does seem like I was simply used at work. As much as I loathe to think of our relationship in this manner, I guess I have no choice but to move on. It is going to be difficult, and seeing her everyday makes it all the more so. To those who have been in a similar situation, how do you get by? It's difficult to remain cordial as it would still entail having conversations with her. Is avoiding her completely the better way?

[searock]

You weren't being "used" at work... she just enjoys your company as a friend she can chat with at work, but isn't interested in you romantically, so she did what she could to avoid stringing you along.

If you can avoid her completely, that would be the best option.

[Darko]

You weren't being "used" at work... she just enjoys your company as a friend she can chat with at work, but isn't interested in you romantically, so she did what she could to avoid stringing you along.

If you can avoid her completely, that would be the best option.

I can see how I completely misunderstood her intentions. For awhile, I thought she was genuinely interested - her signs (in the office) were thoroughly inviting. It's a lesson learnt, but a really hard one at that. It's tough, but I've just got to pick myself up and move on. Thanks for your advice; much appreciated.

[dem862]

If I were you, I would avoid her as much as possible. If she approaches you, be friendly, but I would not be seeking her out for companionship at work, or anywhere else.

[Darko]

If I were you, I would avoid her as much as possible. If she approaches you, be friendly, but I would not be seeking her out for companionship at work, or anywhere else.

I tried to avoid her, but she chose to sit next to me today. It was so difficult; I had to avoid her the whole day. I was aching to reach out to her so I compensated by being more active and hyper with my other colleagues/friends. She was the only person I avoided speaking with today. This is really painful for me.. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this when we see each other all the time.

[Asip4u]

I tried to avoid her, but she chose to sit next to me today. It was so difficult; I had to avoid her the whole day. I was aching to reach out to her so I compensated by being more active and hyper with my other colleagues/friends. She was the only person I avoided speaking with today. This is really painful for me.. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this when we see each other all the time.

I agree with others. This usually doesn't get any better so quit while it's still relatively easy. I'd find another friend at work and hang out with that person instead and say you're busy when she does come around to talk.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I agree with the others. Just keep telling her you're busy, and avoiding her. Be cold to her until she gets the picture. If she asks you why, just tell her that you see her as more than a friend and you'd rather limit your contact with her if she doesn't feel the same. She's a big girl, she'll understand.

[Darko]

Thanks for the advice.

I'm thankful that I took a day off from work today. I need the time away to help me heal. Although I know there'll be more tough days ahead, at least I know now what I must do. Since I started this thread, I have slowly gotten used to the fact that she's just not interested in me, and that I was thoroughly mistaken right from the start. Yes, it was painful accepting this fact, but it's better than being stuck in a place of uncertainty and anxiety. I've just got to move on.

Once again, I really appreciate all the loads of advice you guys have given me.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just be ready for games on her part once you back off. When that starts, you have to be very direct. A lot more than you have been.

[Darko]

Just be ready for games on her part once you back off. When that starts, you have to be very direct. A lot more than you have been.

Short of sounding like a dumb idiot, exactly what games are you talking about? I don't think I can take anymore antics from her. Today we left each other well alone (we sat far apart at work). I'm glad for that - our paths hardly crossed, so I had little reason to even say hi. Thus far, I have been able to keep my emotions in check, although sometimes I really feel like breaking down, especially at work. I'm hoping that this cold silence between us will last - I'm actually happier if she doesn't talk to me than if she does. It's better this way; at least I don't have to see her smile, laugh, play with her hair and do any of the infinite things that made me fall for her.

I really love her, but it's not me her heart desires.

[Love Gururu]

Hi,

I am not sure she'll back off when you avoid her. She may but may not know what she is doing to you. Instead of hearing from others, why not hear from her directly? It will be easier for you to move on too. Tell her how you feel, and that you wish for a relationship outside office. If her reply is that's not what she wants, tell her then to leave you alone at work, so you won't be led on mistakenly.

This is what I would do, if I am in your situation.

Cheers,
Love Gururu
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