I was a jerk, is there any hope?

[sqvue]

hello all, i need help desperately. this is rather long, but it is sorted out.

heres the background:
my girl and I met in 2002 started dating a few weeks later, and have been together up until last sunday, so thats 3 years, im now 21 and shes 19, we both trust eachother.

The situation:
the first year, in my opinion, i think was nothing but fun and good times and true love. however for the past two years, which i never really admitted to myself until the break-up, was that i was a total jerk. By saying im a jerk, i mean that a few times a day, i would poke fun at my girlfriend. Growing up in school, without too many girlfriends, i would pick on my friends just for fun, it happened to me too, we all knew it was nothing more than hazing, all for fun and innocence, but it became kinda a habit for me. So every now and then i would say something like hey chunky butt, or whats up skank. i know these are horrible things to say seriously, but my old nature just thought of them as jokes, i never really intended for them to be true.

My girls problem with me:
She never took these comments lightly. whenever i said them, sometimes she would react, and sometimes she wouldn't, when she did she would kinda frown and say 'hey', or you so mean...but it didn't seem like she meant it in a hurtful way, more of like a playful kind of way....which is what really screwed me up. Now im not trying to blame anything on her, it was all my fault, i shouldn't have done that with her. In fairness to her she did warn me, and i didn't listen, another mistake. Also, because i had lots of problems with work and parents in the past few years, i became less distant affectionatly(kissing, cuddling,ect.) and didn't much want to be near anyone too much for fear of being hurt, which was becoming a streak at the time. For whatever reason i was always under the impression wining and dining was the key to her heart, which i tried to do a lot, boy was i wrong. My girl herself was made fun of in elementry school by a lot of mean girls, and says i hurt her in the past 2 years more than the girls ever did together. I always thought that even though those things hurt her, i always do so many better things to cancel them out and make up for it, but the words lasted longer than gifts.

How it all went down:
on sunday, we were both kinda down and out, and were lying on the bed. she told me, out of nowhere, that she wanted to get away from everything for 3 months. I took this as a personal hit and flipped out, i packed all my stuff up in her room, and bolted out of the door before giving her a chance to speak, after an hour, i immediatly realized what happened and rushed back and tried to appologize. I was too late, i tried to explain that i didn't want it to be a break up, just a big misunderstanding....no dice...i pleaded and begged for hours, she wouldn't have it, she said she needs to get away and find herself, and thats she thinks she doesn't love me. Now i completely understand about getting away and finding yourself, i went through the same thing after our first year, we stop seeing eachother frequently, and i got through it ok, but i was still with her the whole time. She says that because i hurt her so much, she doesn't love me anymore.

How it stands now:
I think i've gone through all my flipping out phases and am now in the stage of needing to understand, but with a slight bit of anger still looming. I love her way too much to just let her go, i've told her that im ready to change, and show her a flood of affection and make up for the 2 bad years with 20 awsome ones. I told her i realize i need to treat her as more of girlfriend and partner than as one of my friends. She still says she wants to go to london for a week in july to get away and clear her head and figure things out. I want her to have her time and find herself, but i want her to do it while being with me, not everyday, but at least a few hours a week, im afraid of her dating or even hanging with other guys, i dont care if its not cheating, i think it shows a lack of caring in developing a loving, respectfull relationship. She said she wouldn't do this, but isn't promising anything, i dont expect her to anyway, i dont own her. She still cares about me, this i know, but my main problem is that i dont think i can wait so long for her to may or may not figure things out and accept me back.

my question:
is there any way i can help her to understand that i want her to figure things out while with me and still have space and feel like she has freedom? I tried so much, and only get the same response. I've been getting angry, and wanting to find another girl to pour this new found love on, but i'm too respectful towards saving the relationship to do that, does that make me too obsessive? I want to show her i can love her the way she's ment to be loved, and that i can't live without her, but i dont have the chance because she wont let me be with her. Is there any other way to show her this!? all i want is for her to be able to do everything she wants to do and feel but while having me as her boyfriend, and i dont want to make her do it, i want her to do this willingly, but i think thats shes got a wall around her from my previous mistakes thats not letting her accept me back, and maybe even forgive me. Does anybody think i have a chance to get her back? was i too much a jerk to even try anymore? If i could change, would that be enough? any advice to help me get around this wall would help, I care about her too much to give her up, please help me!

[whaywardj]

MEGO ("My Eyes Glaze Over"). Could you get it down to a sentence or two?

[Asip4u]

Why don't you try writing her a letter explaining everything. You should definitely give her the space so she can have some time to think. Sometimes when a girl makes up her mind there's nothing a guy can do and you definitely need to change your ways, otherwise not too many girls will take that sort of b/f. Good Luck!

[Asip4u]

basic summary...he was making fun of his g/f for 2 years...she got upset and told him that it was worse then the time girls in HS made fun of her..she wants some space to think things over.

[whaywardj]

Ah. Thank you, Asip. Judging from the intro, I'm not sure a letter would be a good idea. Maybe flowers and a card apologising all over the block, though; by delivery, not handed over in person. Could be time to gear up the seduction machine and charm her back into a receptive mood. THEN face-to-face.

[misombra]

oh man oh man. my high school boyfriend was like that too. just a smart ass jerk who never realized he was hurting my feelings until i picked up and left.

[spartacus]

Take it from me..... dont do anything.... leave it for 2 weeks and then perhaps consider writing to her telling her how you feel, but dont start it with "Dear chunky butt"!! The less contact you have with her the better at the moment. If its in its early stages and you dont contact her she'll think about you more and will consider whats happened. If you keep pressuring her saying the same thing over and over trying to get her to realise what a mistake shes making it will push her further away.

Dont do anything!

[AmIASleaze]

Wow... that's how my "guy I'm in love with" is with me and I still love him. It hurts like hell when, even jokingly, he makes fun of me... but I push past it because he can be the sweetest guy sometimes... when she gets back just tell her you still love her and want to be with her and you'll try to be better for her. I think the letter is a good idea... coming from a girl.. we love to get letters.. it makes us (at least me) feel like we (I) was important enought to care about. Like you really care. Hope it all works out for you... try to calm the insults and you'll probably get her back if she ever truly loved you. Good luck!

[Only-virgins]

Wow... that's how my "guy I'm in love with" is with me and I still love him. It hurts like hell when, even jokingly, he makes fun of me... but I push past it because he can be the sweetest guy sometimes... when she gets back just tell her you still love her and want to be with her and you'll try to be better for her. I think the letter is a good idea... coming from a girl.. we love to get letters.. it makes us (at least me) feel like we (I) was important enought to care about. Like you really care. Hope it all works out for you... try to calm the insults and you'll probably get her back if she ever truly loved you. Good luck!

Yea yea...we know...you love all kinds of brothers.

[whaywardj]

Hey, OV: Yeah, she's a pest and, yeah, she deserves whatever knocks her other posts rate. But, when she takes effort to actually respond to someone else's post instead kicking up all of her drek our faces, I think the least we could do is NOT discourage her. Just a thought.

[shh!]

basic summary...he was making fun of his g/f for 2 years...she got upset and told him that it was worse then the time girls in HS made fun of her..she wants some space to think things over.

Wow - assuming this is an accurate summary, that IS pretty awful. Sorry, but I wouldn't blame her a bit if she dumps you; you deserve it, and she deserves someone who is nicer and behaves with more maturity.

[AmIASleaze]

Hey, OV: Yeah, she's a pest and, yeah, she deserves whatever knocks her other posts rate. But, when she takes effort to actually respond to someone else's post instead kicking up all of her drek our faces, I think the least we could do is NOT discourage her. Just a thought.

ahhhhh..... thanks?

[whaywardj]

You're welcome.

[Tone]

Hey, OV: Yeah, she's a pest and, yeah, she deserves whatever knocks her other posts rate. But, when she takes effort to actually respond to someone else's post instead kicking up all of her drek our faces, I think the least we could do is NOT discourage her. Just a thought.

Seriously get off her ****ing nuts.

[AmIASleaze]

what the hell does that mean?