breakup and makeup

[The Godfather]

typically, when I start dating someone new, I leave the conversations about the girls past relationships/sex life to a minimum. It's never bothered me. However, I wonder if the rules apply in the same manner, when you makeup with an old flame, specifically one that you were with for a long time. The past is the past, I know, but somehow it seems different... maybe I'm just being emotional.

If you are in a long term relationship, you break up, and you get back together, where is the line for you? Do you care about anything that happened while you were separated, and what kind of questions about there past are "off limits" to you?

[Adrift]

Of course you care a lot about what the other was doing while you were apart, but probably best to leave it lie. Seems like a huge potential for hurt and upset if you get into all that.

[Gigabitch]

Will it come back to bite you in the ass? In my opinion, it's your own business unless it will have something to do with her. if you were involved with mutual acquaintances, for instance, or if you slept with people you work with every day- these things you should come clean about. Other than that, she doesn't need to know.

Why? What did you do? Tell us! Tell us!

[The Godfather]

hahaha, it's not so much that I did anything. I have slept with a few people who used to be her friends, and I know that for a while she was involved with a man who used to be my friend as well.

Difference is, the reason I stopped talking to that guy is because he lost his integrity years ago, and I tried to warn her... sure enough, he beat the shit out of her. *sigh* One of those times where it hurts to think "I told you so..."

Anyway, the reason I ask is because those types of conversations are starting to surface. Really it's not that I have a problem telling her anything. I'm an incredibly candid person. More like... I'm too candid. I have a hard time knowing how much information is too much when the questions come flying.

It begs another question. What could a person say to you about their past, in this situation, that would be a deal breaker?

[LoveHurts09]

that depends on u, how much can u handle?
but w/e u can't change it now

[alovehangoverr]

If these conversations are coming up-- end them before they start. You weren't together so anything you did is really your business-- anything you'd have to tell her about, especially in any sort of detail, will more than likely only hurt her.

If I were you, I'd question why these conversations are coming up. If she's initiating them there could be a completely different issue here. She's more than likely insecure or looking for a reason to get upset.

[The Godfather]

She's more than likely insecure or looking for a reason to get upset.

This was interesting. It's either a good point for her, or maybe just maybe this is a projection of myself.

[lesa]

If you cannot deal with the other person having a life while you were gone, you do not need to get back with them.

The main thing you need to know is their STD status or anything else contagious or will affect you personally.

[Gigabitch]

Well, if she found out about you sleeping with her old friends, would it be much worse if she found out from anyone but you? The way I see it, you'd do yourself a favor to just get that out into the open. Believe me, keeping secrets is as much of a dealbreaker as who you've been with for a lot of people, and you don't want to make her feel like a fool.

This very subject almost ruined my relationship. I strongly advise you to tell her.

[Rollerderby]

If you cannot deal with the other person having a life while you were gone, you do not need to get back with them.

The main thing you need to know is their STD status or anything else contagious or will affect you personally.

I agree with this. You say you slept with people she knows, or knew if she isn't friends with them anymore, but if they were frenemies... it might be touchy. Still something you can get over, but there are women who will sink low enough to get back at old friends by sleeping with their men.

Hard to say what to do. It's in the past, and sometimes too much information is more harmful than helpful. But if it seems like she will be finding out anyway from other people, it's better to be honest. Still, what happened while you guys were apart is your own business.

[Cbrider]

History is exactly that, history. you learn from it then bury it 6 feet under and don't look back. Learn from it then look forward, people who dwell in the past don't have a future.

[The Godfather]

Thanks everybody. Really good advice all the way around. Very helpful. Strange turn of events occurred, however.

It seems she is moving in with the ex boyfriend who beat her. We talked a bit about it, and we didn't really make much progress. She claims it's merely because they are both so poor and can't afford to live alone, and that she has no interest in being with him whatsoever, so they would just be roommates. She would move in with someone else, but she lost almost all her friends when we first broke up (her friends choice, not my fault)

Now, call me old fashioned (and I am) but something isn't right to me, about this. Am I being paranoid?