Answers

[confused33]

Hi there, I just want to know a couple of things. I have been with my partner for 18 months and when we first got together the sex was amazing and he couldn't keep his hands off of me. For the last 3 months there has been lack of physical contact between us, why would this be, my stomach keeps telling me that he's cheating on me, but I'm sure he wouldn't do that to me. He does work night's so I can understand that he's going to be tired, but surely there's so long he can carry on using that same excuse. He keeps telling me that he's not bothered about sex at the moment, he's the first bloke I have every met that can go off sex just like that. He doesn't seem to understand that I have needs.

Another thing that bothers me, is most of the time he's not bothered about pleasing me but he waits for me to leave our bed in the mornings and he satisfies himself. This makes me feel very uncomfortable but I don't know how to confront him about this and ask why he's doing it .

[basilandthyme]

Confused, could it be that your body time clocks are different? If he's horny in the morning, what happens if you make the approach before you get up for work?

[confused33]

To be honest I don't know, we've been through quite a rough time over the past 6 months. if honest I don't deal with rejection very well,so I suppose I'm worried if I keep trying I'm just going to get pushed away. I know this does sound stupid, but its starting to make me wonder if he does still want me if he's happy enough pleasing himself

[basilandthyme]

You've been through a rough time? That could be another cause: Problems inside the bedroom often stem from problems outside the bedroom. Especially as the problems started before the loss of sex drive did.

What kind of problems are the two of you having? For many of us, we need to feel emotionally connected to the partner before we can have sex. Were these problems creating a rift in your relationship?

[confused33]

Before I got together with partner I came out of a bad abusive relationship which lasted 9 years. I seem to have suffered badly in coping and getting over that past relationship. I think most of it is my fault as I'm scared that my partner will turn out like my ex,or its just me compairing him to him.

I'm also currently fighting My ex in a court battle for 2 of my children,which has put an awful strain on our relationship.

I have been digagosed with depression my partner suffers from PDSD,so were both on medication.
I feel thou some for this is just excuses. Considering when we got together we both had very high sex drives. Obviously I still do,and there's only so much longer I can carry on like this.

[basilandthyme]

There is a reason he doesn't want sex with you.....though he may not even be aware of what the reason is himself.

During the depression and wariness and court battles, have you remained pleasant company to him? Do you still laugh together and have fun? Have the two of you managed to avoid fighting? Do you refrain from nagging about stuff?

Your guy still has a high sex drive - daily masturbation is a clue to that. This is about getting to the bottom of why he doesn't want sex with you. Though of course, if you want to end thing over this, that's certainly your prerogative.

[confused33]

Like all relationships There's always good and bad times. At the moment we seem to be having more bad times. We sit in the same room but hardly talk. Don't get me wrong when we do have good times,its like things are back to normal,we laugh,have fun and yes there has been times of physical contact. We are always bitching at each other over stupid things. Sometimes it feels like he would rather be anywhere else then with me at home. But then if I'm honest I sometimes feel the same way.

I don't want to end my relationship with him,but I'm at my witts end. I do love him and I do know in his own way he loves me too, but is it really enough at the minute

[Wakeup]

His medication is probably affecting his libido. The stress as well. Why don't you climb back into bed and satisfy yourself beside him while he rubs one out. Perhaps the dueling banjos affect will kick in and he'll want to enter you.

Stop blaming him for the baggage you carry around with you from your last relationship. Are you getting help for your low self-worth and the damage the abuse has reaped on your own psyche? If you are not, then seriously think about getting some because what you carry around with you that is unsolved will cause a problem in one form or another in all of your future relationships. Not just romantic ones either.

His libido has been affected by all the outside influences. It's not about his attraction to you or lack thereof in anyway. His masturbating is to relieve an itch, emotionally he's not caring about the intimacy.

Personal councelling for both of you would be something you should both think about.

BTW: I'm not kidding when I say to join him in mutual masturbation. You can't expect him to do all the work when he's just as emotionally issued at the moment as you are.

I feel thou some for this is just excuses.

Just because you 'feel it is excuses" doesn't make it so.

[confused33]

Your right about his medication,we've had a couple of reviews regarding his meds and they have even been changed due to his libido.

I am currently on medication myself and seeing a counsellor helping me through my past problems.

The opition of sasifying myself while next him,I thank you for and won't brush that opition off completely. It is getting to the point that I will try anything just to try and get that spark back in our relationship.

[Wakeup]

I wish you good luck but according to your other thread there are more issues then just the lack of libido. You're going to have to concentrate on yourself and your sense of worth and lay low on issues with him at the moment. Like I said, I think once you are feeling more love of self... you won't find him, in all ways, as attractive as you do now while you are being codependent on him.

Be well, confused33.