No Progress in 6 months!

[hommemysterieux]

Dear All,

Not very good at this sort of thing, so please bear with me and the long post.

I am in a long-term relationship with someone. We have been together 7 years. We have been living together for about a year.

For much of the past 7 years, I have been a bit uneasy about how it is going. We get on really well and are comfortable in each others company, we laugh together a lot, but I don't feel a
spark anymore.

I have a few worries:

1] We have a terrible and upsetting sex life. It is almost pathological in how bad it is.

Occasionally we make some effort to improve things, but we slip back into a routine. She is religious and I am not. I knew from the start that she would not want sex before marriage, but we have been together so long without getting married that it means that we have been celibate for a long time. I am not comfortable with the emotional closeness and physical distance. We do everything else apart from actual intercourse.

I have tried to talk this through with her and explain that it is no longer tolerable for me, and she doesn't know why she is still scared of doing this thing. She thinks she is worried about being judged by her parents and about becoming unclean. I now feel as though I have developed sexual hang-ups because of this. I also feel that this cannot be saved by her changing her mind because I now feel as though I have pestered her into sex.

The net result is that I do not find her sexy anymore - I have had to work very hard to separate sex from my girlfriend.

Sure - we refer to each other as "cute" but almost in the cuddly-toy sense of the word, never sexy...

When I want to take her in my arms, it doesn't feel passionate it just feels safe. It doesn't feel like it is part of a fire deep within me, it just feels like when you give into a stretch when you yawn. Maybe this is normal after a long time.


2] We have very different interests. I am scared of ending up like my parents who have totally separate lives but share a house only.

3] When she works, I am her pressure valve - she takes out her work stress on me rather than making positive changes at work to sort it out. I doesn't mean that I don't want to hear her worries - I believe in sharing problems, I actually mean that I take abuse for stress she's feeling at work. She'll admit it an apologise sometimes, but it should stop.

4] I feel as though I am living in an eternal "present". That there is only now and no future. We aren't planning anything. We don't know what we want from each other, I don't think. We certainly don't have the same dreams. I definitely feel as though we're not united against the world - we're separately dealing with the world and each other. We're not a team.

5] Personally, I think I also need a bit of time to learn to understand myself again - work out who I am and what I want out of life. I definitely feel as though I am drifting and I think I need some headspace to sort it out.


All of this was churning along for about 2 years. I actually thought that moving in together would resolve a lot of this because we would show that we had commited to each other and that there was nothing to worry about and we could safely explore and resolve these issues. Since we've moved in together, we've put off talking about these things again and again.

I decided to push the issues abour 6 weeks ago and talked through most of the the points above.

She agreed that we needed to sort them out but didn't know how to. We agreed to talk about things once a week and get it all out in the open. For various reasons we've missed a few here and there, but we have also talked quite a lot.

We're at the point where I don't think anything is going to happen to make this work for me. I really don't want to break up with her. I still love her (in what way I love her is now confused). I have invested so much in this relationship and we are very much a part of each others emotional makeup.

My girlfriend has also expressed concerns about where she would live if we broke up as we are sharing a rented apartment. Whilst I care about her welfare, this isn't the issue to me.

She's trying so hard as well - I can really tell.

I guess my real fear is that we will end up endlessly mulling over these things and making each other miserable. I have suggested some deadlines to sort these things out. Question is: Do I stick to them?

Is it normal to lose this passion with someone after a long time?

Finally, I met someone else. I think I could be happy with and we are both very strongly attracted to each other. These feelings have been totally absent from my current relationship for a long time and have made me realise that something is missing. I know that "the grass is greener" etc. and I would much rather resolve what I have in this relationship than just drop it and move on. I also want her to be able to find someone who can commit properly to her without any baggage. For this reason, I have suggested that we do not contact each other again. She has agreed. It has broken my heart to do it, but I think it is the right thing. We have agreed that if we ever get in touch again it will be because I am ready for her.

I'd really like to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

Quick update and question:



Well, its been six months since the whole discussion cycle really started and I've tried to make some progress. My GF has been very reluctant to talk but I managed to get a talk after a very upsetting night spent together.

The rut really focusses around our appalling sex life (which has brought me to tears on one intimate occasion in front of her) - it is really damaging to me to be intimate with someone and feel rejected at the same time. There's also the fact that we're not making any plans together despite being together for such a long time.

I proposed 4 options for getting out of the rut:

1] we break up.

2] We reverse out of our commitment a bit (ie. stop living together) and see what happens.

3] We carry on as we are with our heads in the sand.

4] We sort out the sex and commitment issues.

I'm not interested in #2 or #3 because #2 is just a step backward and #3 is just too painful. So to me its make or break - I never wanted it to get to this position, but what can I do? We're just making each other very sad. We're only making each other so sad because we're so happy in a lot of other ways. It really feels that there is something fundamental missing.

The odd thing is that now we're talking, things are much better. We're a lot happier and loving. She really feels like my other half. The only thing is that we've been stalling on this for months. I feel that life is passing us by.

My GF doesn't know what to say. I've laid it all out for her: how I feel etc. but it is becoming clear that she won't compromise on her values or won't face down her fears. I don't see a resolution to this and a couple of things have happened that have combined with the pain of where I'm at to make me want to do something.

I have recently had a job offer abroad and have heard that the other girl I met is back with her old boyfriend. If my current GF and I were closer and planning a future together (rather than just vaguely alluding to it), then we might relocate or at least talk about the possibility.

As for the other girl - I've missed an opportunity there, although I think about her a lot. I can't help thinking that if I'm having trouble in this relationship, perhaps I should end it so that I can find myself again and find happiness in a relationship with fewer dramas and isn't so psychosexually damaging.

I don't want to carry on putting off a decision, so I'm considering leaving if we don't make any progress by the end of December. I've already put this off and off and off, but am I giving up too easily? Am I being unfair to my partner?

[FIFA04]

Separating the whole initial "lovey dove" feeling you get when you first meet someone new from actual love is not easy. I understand your problem. 7 years is a long time. And even though sex isnt the only thing, it is very important. I think you have to seperate love from passion and sex here. Loving her means you care about her well being no matter what. She is as important as your own family. I really think you should seperate and give each other time off. Maybe date other people. If you find yourselves still love each other after some time off, you will get together in the future. My 2 cents.