Gorgeous but not attractive? What do you think?

[krustykrab]

My girlfriend is one of the most gorgeous girls I know. If she's dressed for a fancy dinner/night out, I could stare at her all day. Even she wakes me up in the morning without any makeup on, looking her in the eyes makes me feel lucky to have her on my bedside. I love this girl and she's a great person.

However, she has a horrible sense in fashion and it's almost like she's stopped putting in effort in the way she looks.
I've subtlety suggested several times that she should get contact lenses since she always complains about glasses, and she looks so much better without them, but she's too lazy to get around to putting them on. On top of that, they're not your regular stylish black framed glasses, she chooses to wear a pair of thick-framed grandma glasses but she says they look hideous in a cute way.
As for what she wears, she always shops for the weirdest clothes, and would say things like "That dress is so hideous, I love it". Apart from dresses, she likes wearing baggy clothes that are 1-2 sizes too big for her and sometimes she looks even broader and bulkier than me.

People say that to love your partner, you need to also be proud of your partner in public. It's sometimes a little hard to want to hold her hand in public when she's wearing her hideous grandma glasses and oversized jumpers. I on the other hand, love fashion and trendy clothes and I always put an effort into making myself look the best for her.

I know it sounds shallow of me to talk about this, but like I said, she's a gorgeous girl, and the difference in how she looks when she makes a slight effort is literally night and day. It's just a shame that she could look as glamorous as she did when we first met, but she doesn't anymore. I know there's a level of comfort that couples reach where they become less self-conscious, but what if it gets to the point where you're no longer physically attracted to that person because they've stopper trying?

What should I do?

[basilandthyme]

Is this the same girl you've been complaining about for a while now?

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I live in inner Sydney and the description you give of her clothes makes me suspect she's part of an alternative crowd. Plenty of girls look she your girlfriend where I live. It's her right to dress as she pleases - and if you don't like it, then go find yourself a conservative little chicky who presents how you like.

As for the glasses....I wear glasses too. I wear them because I find contacts uncomfortable and I don't like poking around in my eyes. If a boyfriend said that I wear glasses because I'm too lazy to wear contacts, I'd rip his fkn nuts off. Just sayin'

[krustykrab]

No she's not. We've only been dating for 2 and a half months.

I didn't mean to come off that way, as I'm merely looking for some advice on whether or not she and I should talk about it (reasons why I haven't really talked about with her is because I'm worries if it'll be a sensitive issue).
And look, it's hard to explain the situation without sounding shallow or like a jerk, but I'll try anyway.

So since you're a girl, let me have a crack at this analogy:
"Assuming I'm somewhat reasonably good-looking and I'm your boyfriend and we were about to go out to a friend's birthday party at night. So you put on a nice summer dress, put your make-up on, brush your hair, and just make yourself look nice. I, on the other hand, decide to wear my old baggy cargo pants, a singlet, a sports cap and a pair of slippers. So your boyfriend has the potential to look so physically attractive, but chooses to look weird instead. Would it really make you selfish for not wondering why he wants to look that way?"

I'm just hoping to get some open-minded advice here, that's all. If the only advice given here is that I'm a jerk and this relationship should end, then so be it.

[basilandthyme]

OK, there are a few different things going on. First is my belief that we shouldn't try and change a person. If we want to be with a person, we have to willingly accept them for who they are.

I'm actually not going to run with your analogy. Mainly because I'm getting the sense that your girlfriend isn't so much about wearing daggy clothes or lacking a fashion sense is that she's into indie clothing, ironic fashion and probably gets a real kick out of finding a weird $5 jumper when op shopping. You also said that she does scrub up well when she chooses to, so I'm guessing she can dress appropriately if an occasion demands it.

In short, this sounds like a scene she's into rather than just being clueless and unmatched. She's probably every fifth uni student I see.

As for wondering why a person dresses like they do, it's frequently because they want to make an impression about who they are. My hair is currently mostly shaved with a long bit on the top. Why? Because I'm tired of looking so damn conservative. My glasses are cat's eye glasses. Yes, I could have gone for something more classic, but I've been wearing glasses for 30 years and like to change it around a bit.

People also dress to reflect the look of the tribe they are part of. My best friend is an old goth. She's all black clothes and knee high laced up Docs. And she takes me to places where I've never been but everyone there looks like she does.

Lastly, and most importantly, people dress like they do because it's how they want to dress. It's an outward reflection of their personality.

Do you ask her to change? Well, if she wants to wear inappropriate clothes to a formal celebrations of YOUR friends or family you may want to say something. But if it's her friends and they love her how she is, then let her be.

[basilandthyme]

A few more thoughts.

I've heard a lot of things about love, but I've never heard someone say that to love someone you also need to be proud of them in public.

You say that you want to make yourself look your best for her. Is that something she wants from you? If not, then it's not a case of double standards with her wanting you to make an effort but not returning the favour.

Lastly, you say that she looked glamorous when you first met her and now she doesn't. How long did she keep the show of glamour going? Are we talking about the night you met or several dates? If she was pretending to be someone else for several dates, then you've got reasonable cause to end it. Nobody likes bait and switch.

[TheEvilJester]

I suppose I can't fully comment without seeing exactly what you mean about her fashion sense. I tend to lean towards saying that you have no right to judge somebody for their preferred choice of fashion. Though, even that does have some limits. Like, if she was demonstrating terrible hygiene and her wardrobe made her look like a complete slob, that may be different.

However, unless the picture I have in my head is wrong, the way you describe her manner of dress sounds adorable to me. I happen to dig girls who dress sort of "alternative" and also kind of have a thing for girls in glasses. So, it is all a matter of personal preference.

Did she always dress like this since you've known her? If so, I can't see why that would suddenly be a problem to you now when it never was before. I mean, I guess I could understand if she suddenly RADICALLY changed. To me, I could never personally understand somebody who could so suddenly and radically change their style. It just strikes me as being so phony because your style is a big part of who you are. So, if one day you are a Goth/Punk and suddenly the next day you decide you are a preppy Gap/Abercrombie model then to me that says you are nothing but a big fake.

Bottom line, though, if that is the way she likes to dress, it doesn't make her wrong just because you don't like it. If it bothers you that much, then move on. Let her find somebody who digs her style while you find somebody who more so matches your style.

[megvoh]

If someone is gorgeous then they obviously are attractive especially to the person ( you) because you are labeling them so. Pick her out some clothes for nights you go out then, spend money if you don't like what she buys.

[Fuzzyfeeling]

Don't make a fuss over trivial things like your mate's style , cause in the happiest moments you won't need them, while that being said ,if her sense by any means make you look like some hippies then i do not blame you. And you suddenly noticing is a bit bizzare ,some more details may clear that up ,either way good luck to you both😉

[LunV93]

I think feeling physically attracted to your gf is really important. I get what you feel because it happens to me too. It is totally OK wanting your girlfriend to look good for you. I think you should tell your gf very tactfully that you love lots of things about her but that there is that one issue that has been bothering you.
You have the right to talk about your feelings and opinions with your gf. Having a relationship is not just love and laughs, to make it work you have to listen to your partner and reach an agreement when having different oppinions.
Don't tell her she looks ugly or that you feel embarassed when you are with her in public places, you can tell her that she looks nicer with other kind of clothes and that you would like to see her with those clothes more often.
About the glasses you could buy her a pair that you both like, as a present. Making her use contact lenses is too much.
Just remember to talk to her really tactfully, you could hurt her feelings or make her angry if she thinks you don't like her anymore just because of her clothes.
Good luck!

[krustykrab]

Thanks for the responses, guys.

For privacy sake, I won't be able to share any photos that describe her style. Money has never really been an issue because she's fortunate that I can afford to buy lots of things for her. There have been several occasions when we've walked into a clothing store, with her being broke to buy what she wants so I have to be the one paying for her stuff. While I'm more than happy to buy her the more expensive top (or whatever) that looks great on her, she'd always go for something more eccentric that's a size too big for her. Of course I've never complained about it, but sometimes there is a little bit of reluctance in spending my money that way (if I'm honest to myself).

As for looking glamorous when we first met, it stayed that way for the first couple of weeks, then it changed. So I don't know for sure if it's got anything to do with her pretending to look like someone else during the "impress me" phase. As for how I look to her, she has made several comments before on the hairstyle she thinks I look best in, and sometimes the clothes I wear, and I always do what she says because I personally like it when my partner has an opinion on how I look. In saying that, shouldn't I also be entitled to make comments on how she chooses to look too? It's hard to describe the situation I'm in.

I'm a shallow person, and I admit I am, but surely couples should be able to reach a stage where they can openly talk about certain things without being over-sensitive about it? Some of you guys have advised me to move on so she can find someone who is attracted to the way she dresses. However, if this minor issue is really the only problem, is it really worth ending the relationship?

[basilandthyme]

Well sure you can talk about it with her. Just be aware that she may really like her style and not be interested in changing.

[pcmaster]

I dont think its worth ending relationship over this. But be honest with her. When she asks how she looks say the truth. When shes wearing nice clothes - catch her when shes good and compliment her. When shes asks how she looks when wearing baggy clothes then say the truth too.

And for God sakes don't buy her anymore baggy clothes. Buy her what you like, you have the money so you order the music.

When I was in late teens I had a sister who would dress in ugly clothes. I made comments how bad it looks and saw she was unhappy - my attitude bring her down. Then I just started to be grateful that we are doing something together and appreciated her presence and saw how she became cheerful again. Now years later she have enough money and she dresses well.

[krustykrab]

Alright will do. Thanks guys!

[milk&honey]

Talk to her about how you feel. I'm guessing she just wants to be comfortable and she doesn't know that you feel so strongly about this.

I'm sure if you discuss this with her she'll try to spruce up her appearance a little

Best of luck to you and her! This is not worth breaking up over.

[TheEvilJester]

For the record, I don't, and I don't think anybody else, intended for you to share pictures of your girlfriend herself. That would be too personal. However, can you find pictures online that can kind of explain her style you are trying to describe?

Thing is, I just don't know how I personally feel on this one, because it sounds like that is just her style. That is what she likes. You are definitely right that you should be able to share your thoughts and opinions with your significant other, and that should be able to include constructive feedback about them. It's just, unless I am misunderstanding, it sounds like you basically don't like her style of dress at all.

I also have no clue as to how radically different her manner of dress was between the "trying to impress somebody new" phase and now, so it is harder to comment to that. I could understand if it was a radical difference. Typically, though, everybody is going to dress nicer early in a relationship, and then more so relax into their normal style as they get more comfortable in the relationship. Even so, their own style usually does and should show through a little, in that the difference between polished and shiny them shouldn't be THAT radically different from relaxed them.

So, if there was a radical difference, or she was posing as though she were entirely somebody different, then I could understand. This isn't like "Hey, I think you look even better in that dress rather than the other one." Again, unless I misunderstand, it sounds like you don't really dig her style at all. Big difference there. And.... hey, that doesn't really make you wrong either. I just am not sure why that's suddenly changed now.

Now, on the surface, you are correct. That certainly should not be enough of a reason to end a relationship. Thing is, if it bothers you enough that it becomes a problem, don't you think she deserves somebody who appreciates her style, and don't you think you deserve somebody who matches what you consider an attractive style?

Maybe it isn't AS MUCH of a big deal as I seemed to gather it was to you. I thought it seemed you implied it was, but I am in one of my more cynical states these days. So, yes, you can certainly have a talk with her about it. I'd just be awfully careful in exactly how you worded it. Unless there is something actually wrong with her style of dress (such as it is blatantly sloppy, or wildly inappropriate, or something like that) then there really is nothing wrong with it, so you shouldn't approach it as though there is.