Girlfriend's Friend Is Becoming A Problem

[Treb]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I love her to death and I think I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her (used to doubt this would ever happen with anyone). We get along great and hardly ever have serious fights. Of course all couples argue, and so we argue over little things sometimes (better than actual relationship breaking issues). We have a near perfect relationship, except for one thing: her sudden "best friend".

Now I admit I don't have the best relationship with any of her friends in particular, but it so happens that they all were originally or are now friends with her sister, who dislikes me. Her sister has told my girlfriend that she should break up with me because "we aren't right for each other." Fortunately, my girlfriend isn't so easily influenced.

My girlfriend and her sister are really close and so she has always been friends with her sister's friends. However, she has recently started seeing one of these friends a lot more than usual. He's 4 years older than her, which is not that big of a deal, but at the same time she's not old enough to drink and he's been drinking around her before he was even old enough to drink. That never worried me before, although she did get 'drunk' (I wasn't there but I'm sure she was actually just tipsy) at her sister's boyfriend's birthday party about two weeks ago. Guess who was handing her drinks? This friend and her sister's boyfriend.

This friend sleeps over her house (he used to even sleep in her bed, but once we got together that stopped as she knew it would bother me). Since then he did "fall asleep" in her bed once. I try to be understanding and "let her have friends" but it wasn't until very recently that she started calling this man she met through her sister, her "best friend", meaning she now has two male bestfriends, whom both sleep over frequently.

To date, my girlfriend has: cancelled plans with me last minute to hang out with these two best friends on multiple occasions, have them sleep over her house and in her room, gone on roadtrips with them, told me to leave her house (only for me to find out later that one or both of them is coming over), and once she even stopped in the middle of sex because one these friends invited her to go mudding all night (she's gone mudding before, but in the middle of sex?).

If she's around either of these two, she'll either ignore my calls or answer and tell me she'll call me again later.

If all of this isn't enough, the new older "best friend" told my girlfriend that "if it wasn't so awkward, that he'd date her" and that "he'd show her how a man should really treat a woman" (my girlfriend has shown me the text messages).

So I REALLY dislike this friend of hers. Everytime she's with him I get really upset. Even hearing his name bothers me.

The other friend I mentioned has been her best friend for years, so I don't give her much hassle over him. But supposedly he's had a crush on her before, and while messed up on drugs he has told my girlfriend that "he's so happy he could make-out with her".

All-in-all I feel these two friends are both bad influences, but of course I'll just be the crazy controlling boyfriend if I tell her who she can and can't see. But her spending time with the older best friend REALLY hurts me and I honestly want him out of the picture.

The way I see it, my girlfriend and I have a great relationship and I do so much for her that it's not fair that I can't ever be around her when she's with this man and that this is the one thing that truly creates a problem in our relationship.

Would I be wrong in making her choose between the two of us? As it is, it already "sounds" like she's cheating on me (although I'm 99.9% sure she's not) and she has given me reason not to trust her (early on in our relationship she lied to me about something and later on I found suggestive texts in her phone, done right in front of me I believe).

Again, I highly doubt she's cheating as we actually do I have a good relationship. The lie was to try and cover up something she thought I'd judge her for. The texting thing, that got me really upset. But I should probably mention I am her first boyfriend.

My girlfriend swears she's in love with me, she tells me she loves me everyday. I believe she's sincere in what she's saying, but that doesn't make me feel any better about her friend.

Thoughts? Advice?

EDIT: I'm not asking if it seems like she's cheating on me, if I felt like she was I'd drop her in a heartbeat. I'm trying to address the issue of whether or not it's wrong for her to give up her friend for me. After I posted this, she confirmed that she would.

[surfhb]

although I'm 99.9% sure she's not

LOL! Dude....you seem like a pushover

[Treb]

I know I do >.>

But seriously. I'm very observant and I over-think everything. If she was cheating on me, I'm sure I'd know.

[HeartIsAching]

She's boinking him.

[surfhb]

I know I do >.>

But seriously. I'm very observant and I over-think everything. If she was cheating on me, I'm sure I'd know.

Youre not over thinking anything....maybe she is, maybe she isnt. doesn't matter....she out of line and has no respect for you. Get out now

[Treb]

Maybe I came off a little one-sided, athough it is all true, as she was with her friend and his cousin as I wrote this.

We just spoke and I told her I'm unhappy. She started crying, saying I'm forcing her to pick between her friend (one of three she says) and me. I explained I'm not telling her what to do, simply stating that I'm unhappy.

I also told her that I considered ending things between us to save her from having to make this decision (but it's not easy for me). She replied not to end things because that's not what either of us wants.

She told me she knows what she has to do.

So it looks like she's willing to cut him out of the picture. I never doubted she would but I kind of tried sucking it up all this time.


I can't help but feel bad though, because I will admit she doesn't have many close friends and although he may be interested in her I know she isn't interested in him. Most of the time they're hanging out is when I'm at work or otherwise unavailable. Besides that, we're pretty much together all the time.

In the end I think she just handled the situation poorly and still needs to learn some more about relationships.

[logan]

Women are sometimes the most insensitive creatures on earth, I actually think they carry a "LET'S HURT MY MAN BIBLE" around! These two friends are a problem and you need to have a serious discussion with her, the bed issue is a serious issue. To rest your mind, these issues have to be address, and be ready for the scorn that's coming your way, because she says you don't understand........ as an option pick you up two female friends and wait for a reaction.

[HeartIsAching]

She's manipulating you. Why should she have to choose? She doesn't.

Bet she doesn't end things with this other guy she's fuc king - and make no mistake, she is. She'll just see him on the sly from now on.

[searock]

Her "friendship" with that guy is completely inappropriate. A guy *friend* should NEVER say those things to a girl who is taken, and she shouldn't keep hanging out with him if he does. It doesn't matter whether she's cheating on you or not (she is already emotionally cheating on you by the way, stopping in the middle of sex, seriously), she doesn't respect you and your relationship. Surely she understands how inappropriate those texts are. She should have cut contact with the guy as soon as he started saying those things to her. It's absurd that *you* should be feeling guilty for simply stating what would have been obvious to anyone.

[Wakeup]

So I REALLY dislike this friend of hers.

it should be your girlfriend you're disliking, not her friend. She is the one that is disrespecting your relationship, treating you like your second best or an option at best and she is the one that is entertaining these men.

Don't be a chump. Get away from her.

... and for goodness sakes do not get yourself emotionally involved with any girl who has her male friends sleep over in her bed. That's a red flag in itself.

BTW: Where the hell are her parents and why on earth would they let her have men sleep over in her bed? Unless of course she's out on her own. It's just a ridiculous none the less but it's beyond her parents control then.

Most of the time they're hanging out is when I'm at work or otherwise unavailable.

uhm... isn't that when most cheaters, cheat? When the opportunity presents itself.

[smackie9]

Oh good lord stop blaming her friends for your GF mistreating you. Wakeup is right it's her you should be mad at. Your relationship is not perfect, I really don't know why people say that when they come on here because if it was that perfect then there would be no reason to be here. Obviously this relationship had issues from the start. First off the first problem is that you don't really get along with her friends, and her sister dislikes you.....I would like to point out that this isn't because of them, it's because of you if the majority of people in her life don't like you. Your GF is pulling away from you because she finally now sees that there is more to life than being with you. She is young, and by no means should be in a committed relationship or even thinking about possible marriage in the future....that is just silliness. Just let her go so she can experience life and you go find something else to do rather than worry about what she is doing and who she is hanging out with.

[Treb]

Oh good lord stop blaming her friends for your GF mistreating you. Wakeup is right it's her you should be mad at. Your relationship is not perfect, I really don't know why people say that when they come on here because if it was that perfect then there would be no reason to be here. Obviously this relationship had issues from the start. First off the first problem is that you don't really get along with her friends, and her sister dislikes you.....I would like to point out that this isn't because of them, it's because of you if the majority of people in her life don't like you. Your GF is pulling away from you because she finally now sees that there is more to life than being with you. She is young, and by no means should be in a committed relationship or even thinking about possible marriage in the future....that is just silliness. Just let her go so she can experience life and you go find something else to do rather than worry about what she is doing and who she is hanging out with.

Like I said, the friends I don't get along with are the ones that are friends with her sister. But we do have mutual friends that aren't friends with her sister.

And I'd also like to repeat I came off really one-sided when I originally posted this, because I posted all the problems we've ever had and nothing good about our relationship. The near 2 years that we've been together have been amazing until she RECENTLY started to hang around this guy a lot more.

As for the cheating thing, trust me I know how it looks and I told her she's making me look like an idiot. But although we haven't moved in together yet, we live very near each other and see each other almost everyday. Now I know that doesn't mean she can't find room to cheat on me, but I can read her very easily. I can literally tell whether she's telling me the truth or not, so much that she can't play jokes on me or even surprise me with gifts because I always know what's going on in her mind.

I seem silly defending her now, but I realized I came off really biased. And the only reason I came on here is because I'd rather not ask someone personally-you know how that is. People only remember bad things about relationships, they only see the arguments not the make-ups.

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy, and you all reassured me by responding exactly how I figured any person would. So now, if there is nothing going on between my girlfriend and her friend she should cut him easily. If not, I know I deserve better.

EDIT: I should also mention that my girlfriend is so shy about herself that to actually bring herself to cheat would take a lot. I'm the only person she's ever 'slept' with.

[Treb]

Women are sometimes the most insensitive creatures on earth, I actually think they carry a "LET'S HURT MY MAN BIBLE" around! These two friends are a problem and you need to have a serious discussion with her, the bed issue is a serious issue. To rest your mind, these issues have to be address, and be ready for the scorn that's coming your way, because she says you don't understand........ as an option pick you up two female friends and wait for a reaction.

Haha I agree with you completely.

I've been so busy with university and work I haven't had time to put her in my shoes, but I told her if things were reversed she'd feel the same way. The difference between us is that she's used to bottling things up where as I tell her right away when something is bothering me. She tries to fix anything that bothers her on her own and I told her that's not good communication, but she's improved a lot after I spoke to her about it.

[misombra]

dude get a backbone.

[HeartIsAching]

As for the cheating thing, trust me I know how it looks and I told her she's making me look like an idiot.

No - you're making you look like an idiot. Don't blame her for your actions. She is doing what she's doing, but you're putting up with it.

Smackie's right - you really need to put the blame squarely on whom it belongs... your girlfriend. She's treating you like that, nobody else is.