Of course it's complicated!

[Tone]

What up LF, long time no see.

I humbly come to you seeking input and opinions from all you smart & wise folk.

I've known this girl at my job for about 6-7 months. She is young, married, and has a 7 month old kid. We became pretty close and I've really developed quite the crush, but knew nothing could happen since she's married.

About 2 weeks ago though we started talking more and more, started txting each other and the flirting level increased. I knew she was unhappy w/ her current situation. Well about a week ago she moved out to her dad's, is now separated from her husband, and they are getting a divorce.

She claims that she truly left him about 2 months ago because she no longer feels anything at all and he treats her like shit... the only reason they got married was because she got pregnant about 1 year into the relationship and they were really pressured into it by family. They haven't been married a full year yet.

Long story short, we have been spending a lot of time together. As in she has been sleeping at my place when he has the kid. In the last week we've went from 0 to 60, including having sex. I really like her and she is crazy about me.. says she never met anyone like me and tonight she told me she is fallin for me.........

I don't know how to proceed with this. I really really like her, she is one of the most unique girls I ever met... but she is so young... she has a kid and I'm not sure if I can really handle that if I am honest with myself. I want to give it a try though because I think she is worth it.

Everything seems to have happened so fast, even though we've been getting to know each other the last 6 months. I keep telling her she needs time to get over everything before trying to start something with me but she says there is nothing to get over... she was never happy with him or their marriage and knows she wants to be with me... she is extremely stressed out because he is being a prick about the divorce which stressed me out and really I just want it to be all over with so we can focus on us.

Any advice?

[misombra]

hi tone! i missed you!!!

okay so, how old is she?

also, 7 month old baby? are babies supposed to be away from their mothers for that long of time? don't you have to like, breast feed or something?

but i don't blame her for being all in love with you though.

[Aeradalia]

Might be a good idea to talk to her about slowing things down with you. She may feel that she is moving on, but may not be feeling the full effects of the divorce (or impending divorce) as she has you to rely on. In essence, she may be on the rebound and not realize it.

If you're truly interested in her, the best thing you can do (that might work to the benefit of both of you) is to become more of a friend towards her and not so much a "husband substitute." In this fashion you'll both be working toward reestablishing her sense of independence and self-reliance... not providing her with a crutch and having her miss out on a chance of sorting this all out herself.

Remind her of her duties as a mother... keep her focused on what she needs to do to help her and her baby make it on their own. Start to create a healthy 'distance' between you two. This will keep her from forming an unhealthy (nearly parasitic) attachment to you, and may work to cast you in a nice light once all of this turmoil is finally over.

Also, with such an arrangement, it'll keep you from getting burned if she finds out later on that she didn't really feel much for you or was 'confused' at the time.

[Gigabitch]

Tone, you put your self out there as a place for her to land if she left her babydaddy, whether you said it out loud or not. You don't have to marry her or anything, but don't you DARE flake out on her and get all freaky right now. See what I'm saying? You don't have to move forward, but don't step back abruptly because right now, this girl is leaning on you. You don't want her to trip and fall. That would be like holding her chair for her and then whisking it out of the way right before she sits down, causing her to fall on the floor.

That's not really a Tone move, now is it?

I understand you're a little freaked out, but believe me, it's nothing compared to what she's going through. So help her. Be there for her. Comfort her when she's feeling scared and help stave off the loneliness but you don't have to do more than this. Don't move in with her, don't let her take over your life.

[misombra]

i think aer has a good idea. might want to slow it down.

a couple things concern me:

1. why would a girl reproduce with somebody who treats them like shit?
2. rushing out of a relation to get into another one is not showing very much concern for her child.

as for the falling for you bit, i don't think you would have a hard time with that. i think you'd have a problem with too many people falling for you. so don't be thinking this is the one because she says she's fallen for you.

i would beware. but you know i'm bias, cause i think you deserve the best.

[misombra]

Tone, you put your self out there as a place for her to land if she left her babydaddy, whether you said it out loud or not. You don't have to marry her or anything, but don't you DARE flake out on her and get all freaky right now. See what I'm saying? You don't have to move forward, but don't step back abruptly because right now, this girl is leaning on you. You don't want her to trip and fall. That would be like holding her chair for her and then whisking it out of the way right before she sits down, causing her to fall on the floor.

That's not really a Tone move, now is it?

I understand you're a little freaked out, but believe me, it's nothing compared to what she's going through. So help her. Be there for her. Comfort her when she's feeling scared and help stave off the loneliness but you don't have to do more than this. Don't move in with her, don't let her take over your life.

... and DEFINITELY don't knock her up.

[vashti]

Tone! I missed you, too!

Personally, I'd like to see her move home with her family so she has some stability, and she can date you at a more normal pace without putting undue pressure on you to be too committed too soon.

[bluesummer]

Heya Tone! Good to see you back!

Aaaanyways. Yeah, this is complicated. Look, I can tell you that as a divorcee it takes a lot longer than you think to really get over it. She's going to be struggling with her emotions over this for awhile, whether she tells you that or not. It is her child's father after all, and he's always going to be a part of her life. She doesn't get the luxury of just cutting him out of her life and forgetting about him.

Like the others said, take it slow. Very slow. Don't rush into anything TOO serious with her, don't move in together, don't get her preggers for god's sake. She has a lot to sort out, and while you can be there to listen to her, do NOT become her crutch. She ultimately chose the pregnancy, the marriage, the divorce and she has to be responsible for her OWN actions in life. She is not going to learn any other way.

It's also okay to realize that you may not be cut out for dating a divorced single mom. It's okay to feel that way and better to address it sooner than later. A lot of men underestimate the work that goes into such a relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

Tone, you know I love you, so I'll be the one to say it:

You got a thing for married women w/kids, White Knight?

I was only joking in the other thread about Beast Men & Princesses.... its like you 'heard' me post about you.

[Junket]

Tone?

Who's Tone?

[Mish]

Hi Tone, it's good to see you back. Some girls were asking about you recently, it's almost like you heard their calling.

About the situation, I think things happened a little too fast. If some things aren't working out in a marriage people usually take time to fix them (counseling and all) and if that doesn't work they take time to properly separate and divorce (+ some time for themselves to move on) before they start dating again. If they don't it means they are fleeting and are not addressing their problems properly. The outcome of this may be their issues remain open and unresolved.

[IndiReloaded]

Tone?

Who's Tone?

Its him. Look at his pic.

Blue agrees, T. Us Canadian girls know stuff.

[Tone]

Appreciate it guys.

She is looking for her own place, but she stays here sometimes. Her family is making this so much harder on her too. Everyone thinks they know what's best. I'm being as supportive and stress-free as I can be for her. She says right now I'm all she has after her family has all turned their back on her.

They didn't choose to have a kid, they were dating about a year when she got pregnant then was pressured by her family to get married. She admits she was way too young to have her son, even brought up adoption but father wouldn't have it. It is what it is. She says she was never happy and then met me.

shh! - it was here that I remember reading how women leave the relationship long before it's actually officially over. She said for the last several months she has felt absolutely nothing. Even now he is wanting to talk to her to try to mend things but she wants nothing to do with him. Talking about getting a mediator for their son so she never has to see him. I do believe it's really over between them. The divorce might be quicker than expected because there is a chance they can get it annulled since she stopped having sex w/ him months ago.. dunno much about that though.

sombra - feeling is mutual I think you know that.

indi - haha you aren't lyin! A really good friend of mine commented on that too and says she thinks it's because I see in them someone who is ready to commit and isn't out to just party around. I don't necessarily agree with it cause I know there are a lot of single child-less girls out there who are the same... but w/e it is what it is.

Good to see everyone else.

Of course I couldn't just come on here and be like "Hey guys I met a really great, single girl and we are starting a stress-free relationship together!" aaaahhh

[Mish]

So she's been going out with the wrong person for a year

Then she didn't use proper protection and got pregnant by this wrong person

And then she was forced to marry this wrong person

After which she started to feel nothing for him because he is so wrong (coincidentally coinciding with the time of the crush between you and her)

None of that of course was her fault

I wonder, at which point do the poor decisions start to become a reflection of a poor personality.

[vashti]

How old is she, Tone? And yeah, I stick by what I said - women DO leave emotionally long before they leave physically.