Fell in love with another man and told my boyfriend honestly, now he dumped me

[moonshadow1234]

This might be quite extensive. I fell in love with another man and tried to work things out with my boyfriend but he dumped me. I understand him but he does not want to give me another chance. Can we get back together?

I am 23 and I fell in love with another man while I had a relationship of 7 months. I loved my boyfriend, I fell in love because I had a lot of stress at that time and I found it scary to know that I would never be able to explore any other relationship ever again, that is why I was a bit open to these feelings, it had nothing to do with my feelings for my boyfriend who I loved very dearly. Nevertheless, I knew after a while that my boyfriend was more important to me than exploring new things. I never cheated on my boyfriend or never did anything really bad. I told my boyfriend honestly that I fell in love with an other man, but that I wanted to stay with him. He was really hurt, but he supported me. This reaction made me feel like he was the man I wanted to marry.

As it was hard to break off contact with this man, I made a few mistakes through which my boyfriend saw that I had feelings, which really hurt him. I broke off contact with the other man with the sweetest e-mail, for which my boyfriend was very mad that I was too friendly to him, but I wanted a sweet closure because I cared for him too, It was hard to let him go, but I did and I told my boyfriend everything honestly and tried to figure out why I was so confused and why this had happened. After that, I knew for sure my boyfriend was the one for me and I was sure it would never happen again and I was ready to settle with him for the rest of my life. Since that time, my boyfriend was not happy anymore and he did not see me as his angel anymore, I hoped that it would pass.

But 4 months later, my boyfriend dumped me because he was not in love anymore, because he was unhappy and frustrated and he could not forget the things that happened, he could not get over the fact that I fell in love with someone else while he had been so crazy about me, and resented me for a few things I did which made it clear to him that I longed for this other man. I touched his ego and his heart and he said that he was always jealous and frustrated because even after that I fell in love with an other man, I kept hanging out with male friends. During our relationship, he was not satisfied with me meeting with male friends, but he never got angry, so I just kept doing the same thing. I believed this would never happen again so I just assumed he would believe that too and would not be so worried.

Off course I should have known that you can not keep doing that when the trust is vulnerable. I've been really stupid and I should have payed more attention to my boyfriends feelings. This has been a real lesson to me. I was really broken when he dumped me, I begged him for forgiveness and told him I would change, that he was right, that I was not evil, but just a stupid flirty girl who loved him very much. I begged for another chance, but he wanted his freedom. He told me that he loved me, but that he was no longer in love with me, that the magic is gone. Other times he tells me that the magic is gone, but that this is normal after a while and that that is not the problem. The problem is that he should have been more happy in our relationship, but he felt more insecure and less strong, and he does not want that again. He says he is not sure he can do this right now, so he does not want us to start over, because he might break it off again and then there is never again a chance for us. He told me that we could get back together in the future, after a few years, now he does not want a relationship, not with me but also not with anyone else. It has been three months now and we still have contact, he would sometimes call me for hours and we still talk about what has gone wrong in our relationship. He told his best friends he doubted me and he doubted if I was the right girl for him, and he wanted to be free of worries, so that is why he does not want to be back together now, but at the same time he told them he could not get over me and he still misses me.

When I see him, he acts weird and you can see that he has a hard time seeing me and he tells me that every time he sees me, he wonders if he has done the right thing. But he never really wants to get back with me and he does not let me come too close. If we have had a good talk, he would not call me for like a week, so I get a little crazy and then I lose hope and then I start thinking that he is just playing with me. Maybe I am just a safety net, maybe he just keeps contact in case he has made the wrong mistake, but has no intention of getting back together. I do not know where I am standing, and if I ask I will scare him away because letting him know I only want this contact because I hope he will change his mind will not bring him any closer. I wonder if I should keep trying, and I wonder if his reaction is normal. I know I have been really stupid, but I have given him everything on all other areas, and I really love him, I do not want anyone else. However, he told me he felt like he did not ever really have me, he did not think I took our relationship very serious. At the same time, he told me a few things about me were bothering him at the end, but they were not really important or hurtful.

Nevertheless, they are there, while he never bothered me a bit. But then again, he was the one always loyal and faithful and giving me the feeling I was so special, while I just enjoyed this and did not think about giving this feeling back enough. He knew I loved him, but I did not make him feel like he was the only one, the one which was so special to me and he felt replaceable. A week ago, I saw him at a party and he was constantly trying to impress me and getting my attention, so I do not think his feelings for me are totally dead, although he had told me that the butterflies have gone. Is this a lost matter and should I just forget him and, as he says, maybe in a few years? I do not stalk him at all, I do not tell him I want him back, Im just being his friend and showing that I do not want anybody else and how special he was and is to me. I wait untill he calls me, and once in a while I ask him to see him but there is always a week in between, so I am totally not clingy. But this is making me so unhappy, I keep being patient, but if his feelings of in love are gone, then I am not sure if they will every come back. Maybe I am just torturing myself. Is there hope that he will forget about the whole thing and realises that I am the woman he will want to spend the rest of his days with? Or is he just playing with me?

Edited by Frasbee for your reading pleasure.

[elz]

you're boyfriend ,must be confused.. although he said that,, it doesn't mean that he don't love you anymore..he was just scared to let things happen again..make him feel that he's the only one ...

[Junket]

I fixed your jumbled mess of a post.

Secondly, let him go, you made your mistake and tugged this poor bastard along. How humiliating for him. To fall in love with a girl who turns around and falls in love with someone else...and he stuck with you throughout!

I say good for him for dumping you. I would have told him to do the same thing had he asked for advice when this shit was happening.

You wanted to explore, well now's your chance. Go explore.

If you're gonna do the time, you might as well commit the crime, right? I hope for his sake that he can manage to move on.

[moonshadow1234]

I fell in love with another man and told my boyfriend honestly. I hurt his heart and his ego. and since that day it was not the same between us. I chose to be with him and did not cheat on him, but he feels betrayed because, at first, I was still using work to stay a little bit in contact with him. After a few months he dumped me, as he was no longer in love and he did not feel special and he was scared he would not be happy with me in the future and he did not like his role in the relationship. I should have treated him with more respect, as I was a flirt.

He does not want to get back together, he said maybe in the future, but not now, he doubts if I am the one and he wants freedom and no responsibilities and worries. Nevertheless he has not moved on even after three months.

He is very stubborn. Is there a chance he will be able to forget all this and start over? He says that everytime he sees me he wonders if he did the right thing, and he still feels bad afterwards, he can not get over it and still he wants to stay in contact. But he makes no effort in getting back together and keeps saying that it will not happen now. Im trying hard to make him see that I do not want anyone else and how special he was. Not by being clingy, but by being patient and by being his friend. Do my efforts come too late? Has he no intentions of getting back together now or is he making me suffer? At parties he is still trying to impress me so I do not think his feelings are totally gone. What can I do and say to to show him we had something very special together and make him think about getting back together? What can I do to make him feel good? How can I make it up to him that I fell in love with someone else and repair his ego and his good feeling when he does not want to give it another chance. Should I just let him go?

[Junket]

I merged your threads.

You don't need more than one.

[Bumble_bee]

you told your BF you fell in love with another man??

and he dumped you....I don't get it?

[moonshadow1234]

I do not know if that is really the reason of the break up. Perhaps the passion died and I am not ''new'' anymore. He was always single and then he suddenly fell in love with me. an enormous crush.

He told me he was not sure, it might have happened too if I did not fall in love with someone else, but he does not know the answers himself. He did not want to work for our relationship anymore because he did not want any responsibilities and he does not mind being single untill he is thirty. I do not think he is so innocent and that I am only guilty. I have made stupid mistakes but I loved him deeply and I did everything for him. I was always there for him when he needed me. I think it was also easier for him to blame it all on me. He has never been so angry about it, he was just hurt.

All of a sudden a few weeks after the break up he told me ''I put up with this shit because I was really in love with you. but now I am not in love with you anymore and now this will never happen to me again, no one can mess with my ego and I will never ever let myself feel so bad in a relationship anymore''. I have never seen him so angry. He told me he had stuffed up this anger because he was scared to lose me and now he was just a bomb.

Frasbee. that is very harsh, but I understand you. However, I was not tugging him along, I was confused and people do the strangest things when they are confused. I was not only looking for freedom but his personality scared me too.

I was afraid to get hurt. He was so in love with me and I felt that our relationship was based on passion, but that he did not need me as a person. In the past, he was always avoiding a relationship in order to be free. I was scared that I just could not change who he was and that he would leave me one day to get his freedom back. So I will never know if the reason I lost him is his urge for freedom, or my mistakes and that is really killing me.

Maybe you are right and I will just let him go because I made a mistake, but I was not taking him for granted or using him, I really loved him and he scared me too. And to be honest, the most important thing in a relationship is being there for each other, in good times, but also in rough times. I stayed in rough times [it was not easy for me too, I know it was humiliating for him, but it was also hard for me to have control over my feelings]. Eventually, he is the one who left me alone and the first reason was his urge for freedom... I do not know what to think anymore.

[Junket]

And to be honest, the most important thing in a relationship is being there for each other, in good times, but also in rough times. I stayed in rough times [it was not easy for me too, I know it was humiliating for him, but it was also hard for me to have control over my feelings]. Eventually, he is the one who left me alone and the first reason was his urge for freedom... I do not know what to think anymore.

Uh, falling in love with another man and making it clearly known to your current boyfriend does not count as a "rough time", that counts as a deal breaker. So don't even try to put this on him. His leaving you was not in offense to you, it was in reaction to what you had already done to him.

Yes, it's true, that strong initial love/infatuation/whatever you want to call it, does eventually whither. However, you most definitely accelerated things, and helped him make what otherwise would have been a difficult decisions (to be with you or not).

Believe it or not, but you should have kept your little fling to yourself until you either made the decision to stay with your ex, or leave your ex.

EDIT: And to add, you need to learn to accept responsibility for the hurt you caused him, learn from it, and get over it. But leave him be in the mean time, if he can learn to forgive you and is interested enough in trying again, he'll contact you.

[Gigabitch]

I don't really see you taking responsibility in your posts for hurting him or for rebuilding what you destroyed. You seem to think that your "honesty" was all that was required to give you full license to act like a selfish asshole and be completely forgiven and welcomed back.

You had your chance to make it right- he gave you time, and you just wanted things to be like they were, right? You didn't even realize you had broken everything so badly until he became disgusted and left you. You blew it.

Just learn the lesson and apply it to the next relationship. If you make a mistake, admitting it is only half the job. You then have to FIX it. From what I see, you failed to do this.

[IndiReloaded]

Wait until Cain sees this one...

Darling, life is full of choice. You made yours now live with it.

Once the monkey jumps, its a one-way jump. Deal with it.

[Mish]

Frasbee. that is very harsh, but I understand you. However, I was not tugging him along, I was confused and people do the strangest things when they are confused. I was not only looking for freedom but his personality scared me too.

I was afraid to get hurt. He was so in love with me and I felt that our relationship was based on passion, but that he did not need me as a person. In the past, he was always avoiding a relationship in order to be free. I was scared that I just could not change who he was and that he would leave me one day to get his freedom back. So I will never know if the reason I lost him is his urge for freedom, or my mistakes and that is really killing me.

I think the conclusion is that you made a mistake. Some mistakes in life bear consequences, this particular mistake had a consequence that ultimately you miss out on your relationship. You can't fight it. The least you can do is accept it, take full responsibility for it and hope that in the future you will not repeat such a mistake which costs you so dearly.

[moonshadow1234]

Thank you very very much. I feel enormously selfish, and stupid. He really deserves to feel happy and valuable and as great as he is, and I failed big time. At that time, I was busy with myself instead of with him. I tried to fix it with surprises and gifts and massages and with compliments and by reassuring how much he means to me. I really had no idea how to do it otherwise. But that made me an inadequate girlfriend, I should have changed in my behaviour. he told me a week ago, and then all those presents were not necessary. Indeed I expected things to 'just' get back to normal and I underestimated what I had broken and I underestimated what I made him go through. I should take responsibility for what has happened.

I know I really sound like a terrible girlfriend and probably above all a selfish one. Well it is true, I have been all those things and I did not even see it. I really got a blow in the face. it feels terrible. I have never experienced something like this and I was above all stupid and did not see how much pain and problems I caused. Before all this, he thought I was the girl he was about to marry. I can see why he is not sure anymore.

It has been three months now so I am not speaking from the initial desperate point of view. I truly love him and care about his wellbeing. He told me he got confused and felt bad each time he would see me and that he did not find it a good idea to see me anymore. At the end of the conversation, he changed his mind and wanted to see me the following week. Well, I called him back on his voicemail and told him that I wanted to see him happy and that that is the most important thing right now. I told him that it was better for him to just lay off contact and that he did not have to respond, we would just have distance. It is actually the second time I told him this. That I would leave him just because I love him, allthough I really do not want to. But after a week he starts contacting me and tells me he can not get over me and that everything reminds him of me. Then I get hope and we get into a conversation and then everything starts all over.

I will totally leave him at his choice, I want him to be happy so that is the leat I can do. But if he starts calling me after he has seen me on a party and the next day to see me, it is really hard not to have hope and try to fix things...

I will not pursue him, I really did not do this before I asked your advice. But do you think that if he really loves me he could forgive me, or is this just unforgiveable? Is it possibly that his feelings of being in love are now simply gone and stay gone, or will they come back if he really loves me? I am willing to take responsibility for what I have done, even if that is letting him go and break off contact and lie to him that it is the best for me, so he can rest. But is the feeling gone forever bearing in mind that he keeps doubting his choice and he keeps contacting me?

[misombra]

now he's just having fun playing you out.

that's what you are: out.

[IndiReloaded]

Let's say hypothetically he does the same thing to you with another girl. What would it take for you to forgive him? That might give you an idea of where to start.

In fact, mbe you want to let him date you and a couple other gals to see if you rate or not. If things go well, mbe he'll want to be exclusive to you again in a few months. Or not. Time will tell.

But, you sound to me like someone who thinks she will call the shots again after this. I think you are dreaming. Your ex is not the same naive BF you had. You will be jumping hoops now, doll. Is he worth it? Are you? Hard to say, but its going to be difficult regaining that trust. Good luck.

[moonshadow1234]

Damn do you really think so? That is so harsh. I have hurt him, but I never intended it, I never wanted to do it on purpose. That does not make it allright that I hurt him, and that does not make it forgiveable, I know, and I understand that he has left me. But I do not deserve to be stringed along, a mistake does not make me evil and is not a ticket to treating me bad. If he has really loved me, ever, he would at least not play with my emotions right now.