All Men: Please Interpret This!

[zazmsc]

Here is the situation: I have been dating this guy for 31/2 months and I'm in love with him. He is graduating with another degree in 2 weeks and is looking for a job out of the state. I got scared of getting hurt and letting this drag out too long and tried to break things off with him yesterday, but then I caved in and wrote him this morning. He says he still wants to hang out. My message is at the bottom and his response is up top. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE INTERPREY THIS. IT SEEMS SOOO VAGUE IN SOME ASPECTS. DOES HE REALLY WANT TO BE MY FRIEND? I'M CONFUSED.

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HIS REPLY

You're right about a few things. It's likely you will get hurt again. Thats just how it goes when we are this young and dating era of our life. It's happened to me too, and probably will again. There is no avoiding it, and when it happens it happens. And it's a different feeling of hurt each time.

This might be an emotional week or time for you, and it was kind of abrupt that we sort of decided to cut things off, but I have had time to let things settle a little bit too. I too do not want this to be the end. I have enjoyed hanging out with you too. Very much infact. I feel we have a lot in common and you put up with me and my weirdness and obsessive behavior. In my eyes you are a quality woman. Even though we never made it to the point of "serious commited relationship", it feels like we have. And I will always look at it that way. I may not be around much longer, but that doesn't mean we still can't hang out. And even if I move away, I will be back in Raleigh often and would like to drop by and say hello if I can.

The next two weeks are going to be tough, but exciting for me. I'm almost done, but I will have no time for fun This will be a good time for you to "cool off" and take things easy since I wont be available. I hope things get better at work. Just tough it out!! Ok, have a good one.

----------------- Original Message -----------------

MY MESSAGE

Well I've had time to think about things a bit and I realize that it was drastic to end things with you so abruptly. This week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and I haven't felt well at all. I'm almost certain that whatever is going with me has alot to do with why my emotions are high strung write now.

I also realize that my past experiences cause me to have alot of fear and that sometimes that fear gets the best of me. Besides, I will get hurt again. That's one thing that I can be certain of. Somehow, at some point, by someone I'm going to get hurt again-- hopefully I've learned enough to avoid getting hurt in that way though.

I do, however, know that I enjoy spending time with you and that is something that I don't want to give up so easily. So, if you still want to spend time/ talk with me I would still like to. I will also promise to do my best not to have this conversation with you again until it's time for you to go. And if I do start to go down this road again remind me of what I just wrote. It would take a while to come to this conclusion again. So, please don't let me distract you from doing what you need to do. Keep working hard and have a great rest of the day.

[Henry123]

" Even though we never made it to the point of "serious commited relationship", it feels like we have. And I will always look at it that way. "
" I may not be around much longer, but that doesn't mean we still can't hang out. And even if I move away, I will be back in Raleigh often and would like to drop by and say hello if I can. "


To be honest Zazmsc it sounds like he just wants to be friends.
I think it was your "fears" that was erroding the relationship.

".....And I will always look at it that way."
He is talking in past tense.





Dont you have any guy friends Zazmsc? If you had guy friends it would make him think twice of thinking of leaving you. (only becuase you can go to someone else)

It not really clear cut that he wants to remain friends (maybe you will never get an answer). Although he seems to be wanting to go seperate ways but on good terms.

If he so ambiguise maybe you should have gave him a similar response???


If you and him could have gone to a relationship councilor things might have worked out more smoothly????

It really doesnt seem that he is making any Real Effort in wanting to keeping close contact with you. Thats what I feel.
I'm really sorry if this is the case.

(*Keep in mind my interpretation isnt written in stone. I could be dead wrong.)

[daiza]

baby, sorry for you..but i think you are on the descending way of your relation ship...i can see the end, very clear.
he is excited about his future, his new "adventure" that life offers to him...no big regrets about you, no big plans...a very cold message, elegant way of telling you to get over it.

[vashti]

Yup. He seems to have liked you overall, but now it's over, and he is ready to move forward. Try to figure out what lesson you were supposed to learn from him, and then move on.

BTW - this is actually a very nice kind of break up. It is good to end it before you start acting like a fool and sacrifice your dignity. Keep your chin up.

[Henry123]

Go out with one of friends. That is what I say.

Yeah Vashti is right dont fall apart. He wouldnt respect you if you do.
Theres an ocean of guys out there. Think of the possibilty. Think of the freedom and potential out there.

[zazmsc]

Thanks for the input but, ....... guess what I did..... I wrote him this long note. The more I read the message the angrier I got. I feel like the only reason he wants to continue to see me is "for fun". And I feel like he dangled the possibility of us having a real relationship in front of me to get me to stay with him. Remember that I tried to break things off with him, but he is the one that still wants to "hang out".

Wanna read what I wrote? You'll probably fuss at me...

[Henry123]

Wanna read what I wrote? You'll probably fuss at me...

Go for it Zazmsc.

(Yeah theres alot of jerks out there. Alot of guys like to Use women. Its not cool.)

[zazmsc]

Okay let's be clear then...

Well, if you still wanna "hang out" then maybe it should be on a more "friendly" basis?

I was trying to get you to be clear about everything, but here is what I'm getting by decoding your words.
Basically, you don't want anything "serious" with me Ever... meaning there is no possibility of anything. You "like" me, but you either can not or will not allow yourself to feel more than that even in the future. You don't want to even allow that possibility. And that is really what I wanted you to fess up to. If there is no possibility then we need to keep this "friendly" and we should not "hang out" for a while. I'm trying to be as direct and clear as possible here.

If you know you that you don't even see the possiblity of me in your future then you should just say so. Even if you don't leave for another couple of months and know that you're just gonna drop me regardless of anything that could develop, then we just need to make this more "friendly"... nothing physical. And I need to move on.

If your intention has been to just ride this out with me and then leave me hanging as soon as you get a job then I feel like all this has been is a friends with benifits situation, which I would not have agreed to if I'd known better. You got all the benefits. (Not saying you are a bad person, but maybe you just wanted to have some fun while you were waiting to graduate)

Hang out=friends and like I told you before... I can't "hang out" with someone I have feelings for. The bottom line is that I don't want to be around someone that I love and who doesn't love me and/or will not allow themselves to feel anything. Alhough you are trying to be nice, your words are distant and cold. You might as well give me a punch in the should like "one of the guys". This is the first time I've felt this way and still no one has felt this for me, so I still need time to get over a broken heart.

And I swear this is the last long message I send you through Myspace. I feel ridiculous as it is saying all that I've said to you over this thing and over the phone instead of in person.

I don't want to hurt you... I just want you to be completely honest with me and vice versa.

Don't worry about replying if you don't have time... I just needed to get this off of my chest and to lay things out.
Geez that was long....

[Henry123]

The guy sounds like an as*hole to be honest.
If he really cares then he'll make a Genuine and sincere effort to contact you. (tell him so. )


For him to be a degree graduate its rather immature for him to play mind games.

[zazmsc]

Well Henry... I don't know that he is a jerk... but I think he was scared to be honest with me. We talk all of the time and have great conversations and I waited a couple of months before being intimate with him and all of that stuff. So, if anything he "used" me for companionship... because he is lonely and has no free time. He's going to school and working. So, I just think he is a little bit cowardly and is not being completley honest with me.

[Henry123]

I'm giving you a internet hug. hug I feel for you.

I'm so sorry that things didnt seem to have worked out.

[Henry123]

Well Henry... I don't know that he is a jerk... but I think he was scared to be honest with me. We talk all of the time and have great conversations and I waited a couple of months before being intimate with him and all of that stuff. So, if anything he "used" me for companionship... because he is lonely and has no free time. He's going to school and working. So, I just think he is a little bit cowardly and is not being completley honest with me.

I will pray that you are right.

[thinker]

Um... first of all don't go out with one of his friends to spite him... I hope you know that is stupid advice...

Well, I'm kindof jumping in in the middle of things; but I would say vashti's post up a bit is dead on. Unfortunately (or maybe not) HE does not want a serious things right now. Your last message was very good and clear and from the heart! (and if you think that was long... boy you should see some of the things I write) I would also say that this is maybe the nicest way of doing it I could imagine... almost... you are smart enough to avoid a huge fight and, like you said, do not want to drag anything out. I really think you are doing the right thing in being honest and demanding all or nothing. Good for you!

Part of the message(s) that worried me was the "physical" part... are you guys doing anything sexual? If so, STOP!!! NOW!!! I wouldn't even hang out with him regularly just as pals... you want to be with him, but he does not want to be with you. Simlpe, yet oh so complex... I can only offer you the solace of knowing that so many people (most everyone on this forum) have been through that, and you know what? Life goes on... It really really sucks for a long time, but you come out of it such a bigger and better person than before; almost makes it all worthwhile

I don't think he is being an ass, nor do I think you are being too demanding or whatever. This sounds like a common (sorry to take the drama out of it) case of distance ending a relationship... I would assume that you two had some good times together? Cherish those, and don't harp on why things ended... and honestly if he doesn't want to stay with you because of this, you are honestly better off (I know it is hard to see this now) Sure, you can talk or email or myspace with him or whatever on occasion, but it is clear that you two are looking for and needing different things in life and in a relationship right now... and that is unfortunately part of life... just how things go. We can analyze and retrace and beat ourselves up all we want; not only will it not change things, it will not clear them up any either. I'm sorry; but in my opinion this was over a while ago; you want love, he wants fun. The two cannot be happy together. And neither is wrong! (well, I would say HE is, but that's just me) You sound like you know what to do; I guess I hope I can offer some assurance that you are doing the right thing. Breakups suck... believe me But this IS for the best, and in time you will laugh at the whole thing and be thankful you experienced it. Please keep us updated though on any happenings, but more importantly on how you are feeling/thinking! The last thing I would want to see (and I'm sure I speak for many others here) is someone going through this blind; this is why this lovely forum exists so we can share our experiences and thoughts and feelings with eachother so we don't feel crazy And you are not crazy, you are in the right and unfortunately, life just happens like this sometimes. Best wishes with everything!

[vashti]

You are acting like a girl. He already TOLD you what he wanted. It is up to you to decide if it is what YOU want. there really needs not be any more drama over the matter, and he was trying to be nice.

It's too bad you sent that note.

[Henry123]

Zazmsc becareful not to jump to conclusions.