lost my soulmate

[fruitlooopmac]

hi everyone,
i just lost my soulmate and i need to get out of my head.
alot of you may know him as he actually posted on here about it all so i thought id share my side with you all now.
we were together for 4.5 years and i cheated on him. i dont really understand why, but i will try and explain it to you.
as a child i was always second best. my sister caused alot of problems and my family thought alot about putting her in a foster family because she was destroying everyone. the 10 no fail methods on children all failed on her and the professionals gave up. my family have spent the rest of their lives making this up to themsevles and her. this has effected me so much that the first time in my life i was ever told by my father that he loved me and was proud of me was my 21st birthday. my mother even tried to drown me once.
i hit puberty early and developed boobs. i was then dropped from every state and national team in my sport because it wasnt the right image. since then, i have hated my body. my boobs have always effected my lilfe. even to the point that i had written warnings at an old job because i had boobs and they made others jealous/uncomfortable.
ive always worked hard for what ive wanted, yet never achieved much, my sister on the other hand does not try and gets everything handed to her on a platter. life had always made me feel like im not good enough and that i dont deserve love/happiness. i mean i didnt even get it as a child.
then at 18, i met the love of my life. the one person who made me happy from the moment i met him. the one person who could see past all the walls i built up and could love me. the one person who accepted me for me and loved me for me. in my own head, this is too good to be true. it wasnt long after that, that i started to lie and cheat. the first time it happened i wanted to "test" him so i lied to him about something that happened with my ex to see if he would come and rescue me. the first time i cheated on him i was away visitng my cousin. we had just had a big fight and i was not coping well. i was getting drunk every day and i was looking for something to fill the void. that something came in form of my cousins best friend. this person was so pure and innocent and made me feel special again. i missed that feeling. and that is how the cylce started.
i went and saw a psychologist and things were going great. he understood how i felt and where my head was. im hte kind of person who can accept a compliment from anyone i know because i believe they dont mean it and are only saying it because they have to. i can however accept a compliment from a stranger because they have nothing to gain from it. they dont know me. it is purely an act of kindness. i know its selfish, but i believe that if we were engaged, i would not have done it. id have a reminder everyday of how much he loves me. the silly part i know he loves me. i honestly do. i just have trouble believing it. because i dont believe i deserve it.
now after another stupid mistake, ive lost him. i honestly cant tell you how many times i cheated on him, i dont know. ive blocked it all out. ive tried to sit down and write a list so he knows everything. so im not hiding from him any more, but i cant remember.
i dont want to be this person any more. i want to be a version of me that deserves him and the version of me that he deserves. i have told him that i want to heal with him. this alone is a big step for me. every other time ive tried its been for him, not with him. i know that i can change, i have made small changes already. firstly this time when we took space i didnt call/msg him every second of every day. secondly, when i did see him, i didnt smother him affection and try to make it all better. after we talked i walked away to give us a change to make this work.
I WILL SAY THIS ONCE, IF YOU DO NOT THINK I DESERVE HIM OR THAT I CAN CHANGE, PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS POST. i need positive people around me. i would really like your help on what to do now. where to go. my first step is promising to him that i will not be with another guy until we are back together or until he is with someone else. and i fully intend to keep that promise.

[smackie9]

Just sounds to me you need years of therapy, to work through all those demons. I suggest you do some volunteer work for the less fortunate to gain self worth, and to feel accomplishment...you know that you did something positive in your life. It all starts with baby steps, and introducing positive, constructive activities to build substance, and to just feel good about what you do. You can't change the past, but you shouldn't let it control you, and steer you in the wrong direction. You definitely need to focus on your own healing, and drop this relationship for now. It's too much hurt and it just makes you struggle even harder to get yourself to where you need to be...at peace with yourself.

[fruitlooopmac]

thanks, i definately need to feel better about myself and ive started by starting up a hobby that i love and i hope to be competitive in. volunteer work sounds amazing
i told him today that i will be here for him when he is ready to let me in. i will focus on me, and change and grow for me. i know that i love him, and i know that he loves me, we both know we are meant to be together. i just hope he can let me in again when im on the right track.

[basilandthyme]

I think it's great that you have acknowledged that you need to change. You'll be a much better person for it. But you need to start again with someone who you haven't caused so much hurt to.

Think of this analogy: Take a sheet of paper from your printer. Crumple it up. Stomp on it. Roll your chair over it a few times. Now, undo ithe paper and take away all the damage you've caused. It can't be done, can it. This piece of paper is your ex....there's nothing you can do which will undo all the hurt.

Recover on your own. And start a new life when you have a grasp on the new you.

Edited to add: why should he give you another chance? I'm not being rude and the question isn't rhetorical. I'm serious: why should he give you another chance?

[WasLost]

You have to get over things, come to terms with yourself, and start fresh. Get your mind right.

[fruitlooopmac]

I think it's great that you have acknowledged that you need to change. You'll be a much better person for it. But you need to start again with someone who you haven't caused so much hurt to.

Think of this analogy: Take a sheet of paper from your printer. Crumple it up. Stomp on it. Roll your chair over it a few times. Now, undo ithe paper and take away all the damage you've caused. It can't be done, can it. This piece of paper is your ex....there's nothing you can do which will undo all the hurt.

Recover on your own. And start a new life when you have a grasp on the new you.

Edited to add: why should he give you another chance? I'm not being rude and the question isn't rhetorical. I'm serious: why should he give you another chance?

using the same analogy, im still a crumpled piece of paper with all tears and rips. me wanting to and trying to change all of those things will not remove all of my crumples.

he has no reason to give me a second chance. he has no reason to even want to. other than love. believe me when i say that I LOVE HIM. the big hole in my heart that has been created by all my abuse over my childhood is almost all gone when im with him. he makes me a better person in other aspects of my life (ie not so bitchy/judgemental etc) and most importantly he makes me WANT to be a better person.
I also know that he deeply loves me. we did talk about marriage and we even started looking at venues.

he is the man i want to spend my life with. he is truly my soulmate.

[ashley89]

even though you have been through a lot, it isn't fair to inflict your personal issues and past on someone else. this guy loved you and you violated his trust and continually lied to and cheated on him. it's great that you realize this and want to change, but I think it may be too late to get him back. you both have been through a lot and this is a big lesson learned. I would do what smackie said and spend time volunteering or doing activities that will help others, be around positive people and talk to a professional who can help you work through the issues of your past. once you are able to overcome these problems you can accept yourself and be happy with who you are, then start thinking about meeting someone to be with. it isn't good for him to be with you, and I think you need to work on yourself before being with anybody else.

[fruitlooopmac]

just an FYI to everyone reading, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF BEING WITH ANYONE

[basilandthyme]

just an FYI to everyone reading, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF BEING WITH ANYONE

You said that you want to heal WITH him. Do you actually mean that you will get better on your own and then approach him?

[fruitlooopmac]

what i mean by heal WITH him is that i know i need to work on my own issues, and i have already taken steps to do that through a professional, but i do want him to know where i am in my process and talk to me about it and help me through it. last time i tried therapy, we did it together but i did it FOR him (that is what he wanted me to do)
i hope this kinda makes sense