Long distance relationship: feelings changed?

[autumn11]

Hi there

I went out with a girl for three years and she moved overseas for a great job. I didn't want to move at the time, and so we broke up. It really affected me, and I kind of went through the grieving process for a relationship that one does. We both kind of hoped that it could work again though, and we kept in contact. However, we both saw other people during this time, and I was trying to move on, but still felt like I wasn't able/willing to let go of my previous relationship.

An opportunity came up for me to visit her, so I took it, to see how things would work out because I still missed her and thought this might be another chance for us to work. It was strange, I was happy to see her, but I also felt really disconnected from her, whereas she wanted to bounce straight back into the relationship. I told her that I wasn't sure about things, but that I still had feelings for her, and told her that we could try and work things out long distance.

So we have just started a long distance relationship, but somehow my feelings still seem really disconnected. The plan is for me to move to live with her for a year in about a year's time, but it's really hard trying to get to know and trust her again from a distance, especially after the pain of being left. She is getting upset that I can't tell her I love her, but for some reason I just can't say it like I used to be able to, when I used to come home from work and tell her I loved her and was happy to see her. Now I feel kind of emptiness about it, but I think if we had the chance to be in the same place again, that it could work out and things would feel how they used to.

I guess what I'm asking is, am I doing the right thing? Part of me is sick of relationships and wants to just do my own thing for a while, since I don't feel ready to get married and settle down yet, but the other part of me remembers how much I liked being with this girl and wants to explore the possibility of having that again.

I just want to go back to that feeling of loving someone and not having doubts, I used to have that, and I think that's what it should be like when you are with someone. Is that unrealistic?

Just some thoughts on this whole situation would be appreciated..

Thanks

[Gigabitch]

I think LDRs are incredibly difficult even when you're really enthusiastic about it, which I don't hear coming from you. They can drain the life out of you.

You've proven that it's possible to pick it back up after a while- why not wait another year until you're able to be near her?

[autumn11]

That would be good, but we are not going to passively end up in the same place, I would need to move country to be with her, and it takes a fair bit of planning to move country. I don't think it would work for us to be planning to be together whilst being with other people, and if we're not with other people, and planning to be together, that's pretty much a long distance relationship

[Mindful Munky]

Wow, i went through something very similar and it took me 6 years of back and fourth-ing before I finally realized it was never going to work...

Rekindling a past romance is hard enough without it also being long distance. There are several reasons why you may be feeling "disconnected". You might still be hurting, maybe you don't trust her, maybe you're confusing friendship love with romantic love, maybe getting her back is a subconscious way to soothe a hurt pride.

Sure, maybe it's easy for her to blame you for your apprehension, but forcing you to make an extreme and life-altering decision seems very unfair. I've been through that "now or never" BS with my ex and that kind of ultimatum never yields the best result.

It sounds to me like she means a lot to you. If it's possible, you two should try and take it really slow, be friends and get to know one another again. Try going to visit her for a short time before you actually make the move to where she is. At least by spending some physical time together, you'll have a better sense of whether the feelings are still there. You may find that it feels great to talk to her and that it feels like love, but then once you actually spend time together as a couple, you realize that it's not what you want from her.

Time has passed and undoubtedly changed each of you in some ways. Although the emotions are running high right now, making a rash decision could ultimately end even having a friendship with this girl.

IF she insists on rushing this process, then I suggest you just walk away from it now. Because if you're not that into it, you'll hurt her and the guilt over that will just cause you all this unnecessary heartache. Stand your ground.

[autumn11]

Thanks so much for the reply, it's good to know that you understand the situation (well, not good, but.. you know what I mean! ).. I spoke to her today and told her straight out that I'm not sure exactly how this will pan out, that I'm not sure whether we will be able to get back to how we were, but that I really care for her. She understood and I think we are just going to take it one step at a time, she made it clear that she will not blame me if things go bad, but we both think it's worth the risk to find out where things stand.

I visited her a month ago and it didn't go so well, I was shocked that the feelings were not there, but by the end of the visit things seemed to be a bit better. She's going to visit me for a few weeks in December, so if things are bad it might influence me not to go and live with her. Otherwise, I will try to go and live with her for six months and if it doesn't work I will just come home.. If it does though then that's good..

What do you think?

[Mindful Munky]

I think that if you can be 100% honest with her about your feelings, especially your doubts, then you have a much better chance than I did. I guess I felt guilty over my own doubts and was slow in voicing them and it ended up hurting him. From there, we just kept punishing each other each time we tried to work things out.

It takes time to fill each other in on the things that have happened while you two were apart and it's important that you do. You don't want things to come up later on and look like either one of you were trying to hide the truth about whatever it is.

I think it's a good idea that she's going to come visit you. You might feel more comfortable in your own environment. I mean maybe you felt disconnected and more afraid because last time you visited her in a new environment. Just listen to what your is telling you. If it's not there, don't feel guilty about it... just be honest and work through it together.