Advice & Opinions wanted...(long post, please reply)

[samsam89]

Right, so me and my girlfriend are both 22 and have been together for nearly 4 years now. We have known each other since we were 14 in High School but didn't get together until we started working at the same place. She had been with somebody for 5 years at the time but left them for me and we got together soon after. We are madly in love with each other & to be clear, we both want to be together. We have spoken about children for the last 18 months and I have been thinking about proposing to her but since leaving my job things have stopped that happening.

We both changed jobs about 2 years ago, but I detested it and stupidly resigned after a while without another job to go to. I have been unemployed for 6 months (and have, admittedly, been slack at trying to find something else), but have not claimed benefits during this time. I am a fairly intelligent person and my chances of getting a job are good, but I have been lazy about it.

I will admit that i have been drinking more and more alcohol over the last few months and have had to sell my car in order to keep me afloat cash wise. As a result I have been neglecting my girlfriend and it got to a point where she told me that she felt i'd lost my way and that all she wants is a future with us but that she feels i'm holding that back because I am in a rut. I haven't been able to do "boyfriend things", like take her shopping, or see a film or picnic on the beach or anything like that in a long while and I haven't seen her as much due to my lack of transport. I am going to be honest, I listened to what she had to say, and it didn't sink in at all, which I am ashamed to admit.

I carried on in my rut while (and I realise this now) she was slipping away from me. Less contact, less enthusiasm etc.

The subject was brought up again a month or so later and she said she didn't feel like I had taken it onboard and that she felt I needed a week apart from her to focus on job applications and on our future, i.e. moving out, children, marriage etc. Since that reality check I have applying for jobs left, right and centre and have realised what a mistake I made in the first place! After we had our week apart, we went on a pre-planned holiday for a week, which was good! We got on really well and it coupled with the week apart, it jolted me and reminded me just how much I needed to make the effort for our futures.

So, about half way through the week I noticed she had been getting texts from another person. I brought the subject up and she said that I shouldn't worry, and that she can say no to people if she wants (she is a strong character and tells it how it is when needed). I left it at that and although still paranoid, I knew when to back down.

Since we got back from our week away, things have been similar to the way they were before. I haven't seen her much due to my lack of transport although I have been to a couple of interviews which were positive and I am waiting to hear from them. I went over to hers this weekend for her dads birthday and in a mad moment I decided to look at her text messages (which I feel bad for).

I found texts from somebody who she works with suggesting what he would like to do with her in bed etc and even saying that she should leave me because she was prolonging the inevitable by not ending things with me sooner. There was one he sent to her saying how they have a real connection/they click. There was even one text which read: 'I can still smell you from when I was on top of you...' that this person had sent to her.

I felt devastated, because that was the one text that suggested that something might have happened. I have seen his flirty comments on her facebook before but other than jokey remarks about how he should watch out I never really mind because its part of life and although she is my partner, I think it's important for her not to feel restricted in that respect.

So, I confronted her about what I had found and I broke down in tears. She told me that yes there have been flirty texts but there is nothing in it, that it's not something I should worry about & she still loves me but wants to know that we have a future. She said she had felt like we haven't even been together for the last week or two because she has hardly seen me etc. She said that yes she had met up with this person once and what was mentioned in the text msg could have turned into something, but she stopped it from happening because she loved me and had a 'conscience'.

I was in tears and was so hurt that the thought was there from her side. We sat and hugged and I apologised for causing the original problem and that I understood why she got herself into that situation, but that I was still hurt. She said I shouldn't apologise because she shouldn't have let it get to even that far.

I told her how I was so thankful that she didn't let it go any further. She went on to say how there isn't any real feeling for this person, but that she didn't know where we could go from here. We sat and talked and hugged for a while and she reiterated how she loves me but needs to know we have a future together otherwise whats the point? She said she wanted to sever all ties from this person and focus on us, and that he would understand because he knows the situation. I told her that she didn't have to sever all ties but that I wanted her to be open about it and tell me if texts like that were being received from him because it's not on.

She said how she would still have to see him/talk to him at work but that he would be fine with it because at the end of the day although there was the potential for it, nothing has happened and he knows our situation. At first when we were talking she made the point that I was thinking far too much about who? rather than why. But it is very difficult to do that in the heat of the moment. I understand that there will be things she has in common with people at work because they are there all day together and get chatting about work and other things. I am not naive.

My girlfriend is, as i've said, one of those people that tells it how it is even if it's not what you want to hear, so if something had happened then she would have said so. But it doesn't stop my paranoia! I am so angry at myself for letting it get to this point and not heeding warnings, and I will be doing everything I can to sort things for us so we can enjoy a happy bright future.

I'd like to point out that we are not young kids with a silly relationship problem but that we are absolute soul mates. She is my entire life and I feel I have come dangerously close to losing her, and never want to be in this situation again.

I'm kind of just looking for some opinions on this situation really from an outside point of view?

I'm sure there is more stuff I could say, but this post is long enough as it it, so I may well add bits of info if needed.

Sam.

[Kyrina]

If she says it how she see's it you are the one who became so self absorbed you didnt give her any choice or reason to believe in you or the relationship again.You both had so many plans together but all she saw was you saying sod it and turned your back on it all.Saying that though you just saw your mistake in time and only a little damage was done.She has her head screwed on she can love you but you didnt give her reason to see that the man she loves was still there.Your decision was to dump your job and not look for another so you became the slob and she saw your's dreams disappear and life is a constant battle we get our strength to see the problems through from each other.
I would like to know why she didnt make the trip to see you before you slobbed out?
I see your actions and doubts due to you because you did hit the self pity pool, this other guy wasnt anything to her
and you know if she is truthful.
My advise try like hell to get that job and pull things back on track for you both,the other guy is a scavenger,he knows the problems and saw her not as a person but a easy catch because she was miserable from you and told him it all
he still has a job so thinks he has better prospects then you but you have her love.So up to you to make it right she waited but dont expect her to wait indefinetly noone will

[samsam89]

Thanks for your reply, I know, I haven't put her first when this is what I need to do. I have been thinking of myself and only myself. Now I regret it so much.

I know what I have done wrong and will try my hardest to sort this.

[samsam89]

Okay so, I am already trying to get us back on track. But I get the feeling sometimes that my girlfriend is hesitant about things. I am still waiting to here from this job, but hope it will be good news. I went out on the monday and helped her choose a new car and then picked her up and took her to work, and collected it last night. We then went back to hers for the evening.

We were ok, sitting holding hands on the sofa watching TV etc, but there are just a few niggling things in my mind. Like how when I left hers at the end of the evening, the kiss goodbye was short and brief and after we exchanged a few texts later on that evening, she didn't reply to my last one which asked if she wanted to come over in the evening this week. She might have fallen asleep as it was late and she had only woken up through feeling sick, but she obviously went on facebook this morning to upload pics of her new car on her phone but didn't reply to my text.

She is now at work, where this other person is, and I feel helpless! I'm sitting here at the moment thinking that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this situation and I don't feel like I am able to do anything until I hear back about this job.

It's killing me, I just wanna cry...

[Kyrina]

You let her down and so she will be a little hesitant now.You can both only work forward from this and she has seen something in you that she doesnt like,its hard to see the one you love fall and not know how to handle it, give it time stop expecting everything to be has it was.It takes time like everything, it may not seem a big deal to you. But women are more emotional and even though we know the man has a right to slip its human nature after all, we still want that grrr caveman strongman hunter gatherer thing that enables us to procreate.
Yes she works with this guy but it doesnt mean she is doing anything.If she is then, there isnt much to do.I would suggest talking to her and being open, say you know that you let her and yourself down, etc but speak from the heart
Sitting on your ass wanting to cry sorry to sound mean but your asking to go back in the pool of pity,Keep letting yourself feel like this and its a down hill slope.
Texting someone is great but if its late and she is sick i personally would rather get my sleep so i can go to work the next day and not stay awake answering impersonal texts. no matter who they are from.Words are just that we put the emotion into words by actions,
Hun get off your ass go for a walk and learn to breathe again and make plans and follow them through.