bf breaks up

[alma]

Hi all,

I've been reading this forum for a while and I must admit... it's been like a true medicine for my soul these past few months, since my boyfriend broke up with me. I've had an extremely hard time dealing with the situation, so I've decided to post my story here, hoping for any kind of help or advice.

We dated for 8 months (Oct/09-Jun/10), I was 25 he was 24, lived in the same hometown. We clicked right from the beginning. Great conversation, great vibe, great chemistry. After we started discovering each other, we fell in love. Deep, magical, consuming love. Got along perfectly, did everything together, met each others friends and family, were truly happy in every aspect of our relationship. Started thinking about the future. He asked me to move in together, I said yes. With all my heart. Unfortunately, we never got to do that because soon after (Mar/10) he got a very good job offer and moved to another city (far away). I supported his decision, it was indeed a great professional step for him. We decided he would go there by himself, settle in, and I would eventually follow him there. Unfortunately, I never got to do that, because he suddenly... broke up.

His claimed reasons: He wanted to be independent and work-oriented. He said that since he went there, he's changed his life priorities, he wants to focus on his career and he feels he's unable to have a relationship or a future with anyone at the moment.

OK, so I could understand the career focus, but is it reason enough to leave someone you claim to love so much? So I thought there must be more. Here's some more info that might help you get a better idea and maybe help me solve this mystery.

Info 1: The ex-factor. Our relationship started very soon after he got out of a 4 year relationship that had gone bad, she cheated and dumped him, he was devastated, but decided to move on. After he got together with me, she desperately wanted him back. He didn't want her back, but still kept close contact with her. Apparently they had a strong connection in their relationship that just couldn't be cut. I eventually found out he even cheated on me with her. I wanted to break up with him, but he insisted that he didn't love her anymore, that I'm his future, she's his past, that he couldn't live without me, that he's willing to do anything not to lose me, and that he would break contact with her. So I gave him another chance. This happened after he moved. Soon after, I found out that she kept on trying, to the point that she even moved to a city close to his, hoping to get him back. Apparently, that was in vain, he was firm about never getting back together with her, because of all the things she had done in the past. And although they still keep contact, he said she had nothing to do with our break-up.

Info 2: The new girl factor. Additionally to this whole dramatic triangle, another interest arose in the new city. He met a girl and "fell in love" even though he can't actually be with her because she has a long term boyfriend. So apparently there's nothing going on between them, but still he's nurturing feelings for her. And again, he said that she was not the reason for our break-up.

Info 3: The new city factor. If it's of any relevance, the new city is highly superior to our small home town - professionally, socially, culturally. It's filled with new, exciting, fascinating places/people/things to do.

So, how the break-up happened... He became visibly distant, started calling less, I didn't know what was going on, he didn't talk to me, I was simply tormented. His ex had just moved into town, so I thought it had something to do with that. Apparently she visited him quite often, but then again, he didn't want to get back with her. So I don't know the real reasons. Anyway, after a long consuming torture, I told him I couldn't bare the silence/ insecurity anymore and I need to know where we stand. It was then that he told me he can't have a relationship and all the rest. So, we broke up, by phone. I was, of course, totally devastated and depressed, it's been the hardest time of my entire life.

After the break up, I went no contact. He called me a few times to see how I was doing, but I didn't answer. I couldn't. I was too hurt. I kept on not answering until he came home, and wanted to meet. I agreed to meet him, mainly because I needed an explanation. And also because I was missing him like hell. Our meeting was nice, there was still that certain closeness and intimacy we've always had. We talked, a lot, about us, about him, I asked him everything I needed to know, but still, he said he couldn't really explain why things happened like that, and he might regret it sometime in the future, but he made a decision and he's sticking with it. He also said he would like us to keep in touch, as friends. So, after he left, I called him a couple of times, just to talk (mistake...). I didn't feel he was very enthusiastic about it, so I stopped. He hasn't contacted either. So right now, we're in a void of no interaction. He's coming home this weekend, but I don't think he's gonna call me. He knows we're gonna see each other anyway at this party we're both attending on Saturday (it's gonna be really hard seeing him there).

I've been really hit by this break-up. I didn't see it coming. We had a wonderful relationship, not once has he told me how much he loved me and how happy he is with me. And still, he breaks it. I can't understand what happened. I don't know if I should believe his claimed reasons, or whether there were other factors that influenced his decision. Help? Please?... Any ideas on the topic would be greatly appreciated...

[Asip4u]

First off, why the hell would you take him back when he cheated on you with his ex? The fact you still believed when he said he was so in love with you after that shows really how weak you are. I'm sorry but there's nothing to figure out here. He was vulnerable and when people are in that state they will want to hang on to just anybody and will say just about anything. Yes guys lie, guys cheat and do all kinds of shit. You should have figured this awhile ago and dumped his ass. Now he's in a new city and has a great job. He is obviously moving on to new girls and the whole work thing is just a good excuse for him. Next time he calls you stay with no contact and move on from this, otherwise he'll try to pull you back in and you'll get hurt even more.

[Gigabitch]

You say your relationship was wonderful, but I'm not seeing that. I think it may take you a long time to find a relationship that actually is wonderful, and when you do, you'll recognize that this guy who broke up with you did you a favor. He's not into you like you're into him. Maybe you think this is just something you can't have, but IT IS. Raise your standards. Have some hope. Leave this guy behind and look toward better things because they're out there, they really are.

[alma]

Thanks for your replies!
Asip4u, of course, nobody should accept cheating. However, I think this was a delicate situation, it's not like he picked up a random girl and cheated for fun... Yes, words are meaningless, but you can't fake feelings, and I did perceive strong feelings for me. We did have a profound emotional connection. And I think everyone deserves a second chance...
Gigabitch, you're saying he wasn't as into me as I was into him... this is obviously true for the last part of our relationship, but in the beginning and in the course of our relationship, he was very into me, much more than I was into him... So what caused the switch? Could it be that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship? Or do you think there was something about me...
I still have a few uncertainties... like... how would you explain his ex situation? Do you think she had anything to do with our break-up? What is going on between them?
How would you explain the new girl situation? Do you think she had an influence?
Not that I'm going to sit and wait for him, but for my own peace of mind, do you think he might someday regret his decision?

[Keneji]

How far away is this city he moved too? Is it rediculously far away?

[alma]

it's a 10 hour drive/ train ride, or 1 hour by plane...

[alma]

ok so... he came home today... i didn't expect it, but he called me. wanted to meet up. i was busy, so i said no. asked my friends about me. just called again. wants to see me... :|

[Asip4u]

It will take time to move on and even though it's hard to see it right now, in the long run it is for the best. If you go back to him he'll use stuff like "let's be friends" and keep you hoping for more..while he's out with other girls. Nothing more guys love doing then having few options around. Keep the no contact!