Should I give up a certain "type" for someone who loves me a lot

[newuser]

Kind of confused and hoping for some advice on my situation.

I've always been attracted to high-achieving, ambitious, mature, emotionally stable men... I don't know why, I just find them attractive. I'm 29, doing pretty well in a career which I promise myself I'll do for another couple years before "giving it all up" and move to a quieter town where I'll live off savings and do my art, till I get tired of it or something new comes to me or I run out of money or something.So I guess what I'm saying is I love art, but I can't help wanting a satisfying career at the same time...

So I've been dating a guy 6 months who's head over heels in love with me, but in the beginning I wasn't attracted to him at all.. He doesn't have the career ambition I crave in a man - he's a fellow artist, he works in a simple (not engaging, not stimulating) job that pays pratically a third what I make, but which frees up his time to paint and stuff. And the job's not a short-term thing to keep him going till he makes it artistically. THe art really is just recreation for him, he intends to go on like this, he hasn't thought about how he'd like to live his life differently or to improve on his situation. I guess he's content. He;s got no plans for the future; I have. In terms of personality, he's got his emotional highs and lows, he reacts when things happen, shouts violently at someone who offended him for example (but never at me, not yet anyway)... But I'm usually attracted to guys who can remain calm, emotionally stable whatever comes their way..

So those are the negatives.. He loves me a lot, more than any other guy had.. And he takes care of me.. I'm lazy about the practical things (getting something I need for the house, fixing the house) and he'll get them done for me. I know he loves me very much. I experience a lot of moments where I think to myself "Wow.. he does this for me... He must really love me to do this." And over the months I've found myself touched by what he does for me, I feel sweet and tender towards him, his calls make my day, I think I love him too, no? I'm also attracted by the fact he actually knows a lot about art, history, culture and can engage in meaningful conversations (but... why doesnt he put any of that knowledge to use?!). Although I like the career driven, high achieving types, I've gone out on dates with a few of them but it's never moved beyond that into a relationship, because they're either just completely into themselves, or not interested enough in me, or just want to sleep around. On the one hand I tell myself that I should be so lucky to have my boyfriend and I should cherish this love and throw away my unrealistic (perhaps even materialistic??) expectations of this alpha male figure. On the other hand at times I simply can't help wishing he works in a more mentally engaging job comparable to mine, has some savings, knows the business world, is more in control of himself. I feel like to continue with him is simply denying what I've always wanted.. At the same time I feel that if I give up this relationship I'll not be able to find a happy relationship with the men that I'm attracted to anyway, because the majority of successful men just want to fool around or prefer girls who are simpler, less challenging - they don't want a female version of themselves. As attracted as I am to successful men, the feeling of being loved, cherished and taken care of is something very important to me in a relationship as well.

I'm so so confused. Any advice would be appreciated!!

[IncognitoSir]

Kind of confused and hoping for some advice on my situation.

I've always been attracted to high-achieving, ambitious, mature, emotionally stable men... I don't know why, I just find them attractive. I'm 29, doing pretty well in a career which I promise myself I'll do for another couple years before "giving it all up" and move to a quieter town where I'll live off savings and do my art, till I get tired of it or something new comes to me or I run out of money or something.So I guess what I'm saying is I love art, but I can't help wanting a satisfying career at the same time...

So I've been dating a guy 6 months who's head over heels in love with me, but in the beginning I wasn't attracted to him at all.. He doesn't have the career ambition I crave in a man - he's a fellow artist, he works in a simple (not engaging, not stimulating) job that pays pratically a third what I make, but which frees up his time to paint and stuff. And the job's not a short-term thing to keep him going till he makes it artistically. THe art really is just recreation for him, he intends to go on like this, he hasn't thought about how he'd like to live his life differently or to improve on his situation. I guess he's content. He;s got no plans for the future; I have. In terms of personality, he's got his emotional highs and lows, he reacts when things happen, shouts violently at someone who offended him for example (but never at me, not yet anyway)... But I'm usually attracted to guys who can remain calm, emotionally stable whatever comes their way..

So those are the negatives.. He loves me a lot, more than any other guy had.. And he takes care of me..!

It seems like this guy is exactly what you NEED in your life. The things you need are the things that make you happy. Even though you've had the guys you wanted, in the endm they couldnt make you happy. You've been there there several times with the guys you wanted right, and what do you have to show for it? Nothing, but experience and reasons of why it didnt work out. The crazy thing that I got from reading you post is, that what you really WANT is what you already have.......him. He makes you happy, he satisfies you. You two share more in art alone than any of those successful guys you couldn't make it last with. Don't psych yourself out of happiness for a fantasy that you're not even sure you want. Look at what you have in your relationship and then look into your heart.

[Gigabitch]

That doesn't sound like husband material to me.

Do you want kids? Would you say it would be a good idea to have kids with this guy?

[xxazurexx]

I'd put my happiness first and I'd remain where I felt loved. It wouldn't matter to me and if he was career driven or not. If I was happy and felt loved and I loved him, that is all that would matter.

We don't always get, what we may seek and money doesn't buy true love, nor happiness.

[Gigabitch]

Frankly, he sounds like he's WAY more excited about her than she is about him. Did you read the part that said "I think I love him, no?"

It's only been six months and she's already got a laundry list of flaws that irritate her about this guy. Getting seriously committed to someone you feel iffy about is never a good idea.

[alovehangoverr]

Honestly.. the flaws you listed are pretty huge compatibility issues.

What's the number one things people fight about in relationships? Money.

While you may be able to overlook his "simple job that pay a third of what you make" now-- in a few years, how are you going to feel? I ask because this is the type of stuff that people get bitter about.

And his emotional highs and lows? Never a great thing... especially since you mentioned he "shouts violently". No thanks.

You really shouldn't have to "settle" in a relationship.. and it sounds like that's what you'd be doing. Settling for someone because they love YOU a lot (while you see unsure) because you're worried you won't find someone who fits into your "type" due to other traits that may come along with it.

My advice? I can see you having a casual relationship with this person.. but if you're looking to settle down, look elsewhere.

[newuser]

Thanks abovehangover - I think what you're saying makes sense. He wants to get serious, which is touching, but I'm afraid...

Incognito: no, I think you misunderstood, it's not that I "never worked out" with those successful guys, it's that we never even entered into a relationship, because they just wanted to sleep around, or didn't like girls to be too smart. So I don't know whether most ambitious, high achieveing men are like that (perhaps after the day's corporate battles, they just want to go home to a simple girl who'll cook for them and not have to face more intellectual conversation, or perhaps they think they're so successful so why should they commit to any one female), or whether I just happened to meet the few who are

[IncognitoSir]

Thanks abovehangover - I think what you're saying makes sense. He wants to get serious, which is touching, but I'm afraid...

Incognito: no, I think you misunderstood, it's not that I "never worked out" with those successful guys, it's that we never even entered into a relationship, because they just wanted to sleep around, or didn't like girls to be too smart. So I don't know whether most ambitious, high achieveing men are like that (perhaps after the day's corporate battles, they just want to go home to a simple girl who'll cook for them and not have to face more intellectual conversation, or perhaps they think they're so successful so why should they commit to any one female), or whether I just happened to meet the few who are

OK I hear you, but whats this business of you living off your savings and doing art until you cant anymore? You mentioned you're afraid, who isn't? If you met this dream guy of yours with all the money and success and he actually loved you don't you think this same fear would be present? You're contemplating passing over happiness and love for a possible fantasy. I understand you want a certain "type" in your life, but have you thought that maybe this "type" you're looking for isnt the type for you. Kinda like the young girls who love the bad boys but ALWAYS get there heart broken in the end.........they always end up with a nice guy.

[ctom18]

.........they always end up with a nice guy.

Now that's not true at all.

[IndiReloaded]

Thanks abovehangover - I think what you're saying makes sense. He wants to get serious, which is touching, but I'm afraid...

Incognito: no, I think you misunderstood, it's not that I "never worked out" with those successful guys, it's that we never even entered into a relationship, because they just wanted to sleep around, or didn't like girls to be too smart. So I don't know whether most ambitious, high achieveing men are like that (perhaps after the day's corporate battles, they just want to go home to a simple girl who'll cook for them and not have to face more intellectual conversation, or perhaps they think they're so successful so why should they commit to any one female), or whether I just happened to meet the few who are

There are plenty of successful men and women looking for their equal partner. Though, at almost 30 it may be that a lot of the more family/marriage-oriented ones are already paired up. I don't know too many professional women getting married in their 30s who weren't already seeing the guy who became their husband.

Or, maybe the guys just sense you aren't quite wanting what they offer?

[survivor08]

It is a tall order. A few years ago I read a study that showed the higher the income reported by men, the higher the rate at which they had extra marital affairs. It goes with the Alpha Male persona. I think the same went with working, professional women. Don't hate the messenger, I read that study a few years ago...(5-6)

[lovesjoyajm]

Though, at almost 30 it may be that a lot of the more family/marriage-oriented ones are already paired up. I don't know too many professional women getting married in their 30s who weren't already seeing the guy who became their husband.

.......

[IndiReloaded]

It is a tall order. A few years ago I read a study that showed the higher the income reported by men, the higher the rate at which they had extra marital affairs. It goes with the Alpha Male persona. I think the same went with working, professional women. Don't hate the messenger, I read that study a few years ago...(5-6)

Well, why do you think men are driven to those high-income jobs? Because they love the recognition for its own sake? Hahaha.... no.

.

I also have two friends who both met & married their husbands in their late 30s, the other in her early 40s. FWIW.