My bfs Past is Haunting our Present

[HalleC]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We live together and have talked about marriage and what we want in the future as a couple. He’s so great to me and meets the expectations of what I want in a partner. However, there is one fight that keeps happening that we cannot see eye to eye on.

About 9 months into our relationship, right before we moved in together, he went on a business trip to a place he used to live. He ran into an ex-coworker (whom he had a couple month fling with right before he moved to where I met him) and their mutual friends. They all went out together. He ended up getting black out drunk, she tried to kiss him at the end of he night and he says he turned away, then when he got back to where he was staying he sent her a long, emotional message about how he misses her and wishes he could have been the man she deserved, bla bla bla.

One of the biggest issues about this, is that he never told me about it. We had just moved in together and were watching a movie when she responded to his message he sent her after that night. Her name popped up with the first sentence of her message, and it made me feel uneasy. He never told me about her before so I didn’t recognize her name. After some prying he finally told me what happened and reluctantly handed me his phone to see the messages, which crossed some emotional lines in my opinion. He said it was none of my business, and he didn’t do anything wrong because they never got physical. He said he got some needed closure, and if the situation was reversed he would be okay with it.

That took some time to get over, especially because he never apologized for what happened. But once I got over it, her name would pop up in his social media feed, or in my feed because he’d like her pictures. That bothered me so I eventually told him I never want to see her name again, and he agreed (unhappily) to unfollow her for my peace of mind. (We fought about the situation again and butted heads). This happened about a year ago.

Since then, it’s been forgotten and things have been great. Until last week, my phone was dead and I was trying to look up a social media post to show him, he let me use his phone to show him but got nervous once I opened it. And to my horror, her name was the most recent searched. This started a huge fight. I asked him why he looked her up, he said it was none of my business he just wanted to see what she was up to. After more fighting he admitted that he looked her up while he was masturbating because they had great sex, and it’s not harmful because he’s not contacting her or acting on his fantasies. He said I can fantasize about my exes and it’s none of his business if I do. This all infuriated me. He was looking up a girl from his past who almost broke us up.

All the feelings I had 3 years ago are back now plus more. Am I being unfair? Is he being unfair? Or are we too different?

[TheEvilJester]

I'll admit, this one is a little too hard for me to comment on quite as effectively. Because my honest gut reaction is that I kind of agree with you. I guess I'll ask one clarifying question first... At the 9 month mark where this first happened... had you two officially had the "exclusive" talk yet? Were you officially boyfriend and girlfriend? I'd kind of assume you were after that long, but if you were still sort of in the "just dating" phase then maybe there wasn't necessarily anything wrong with it.

However, my personal gut reaction is to kind of agree with how you felt about it initially. Especially based on my assumption that, 9 months in, you two are probably a committed couple. ...But even then, if I were you, I'd feel a little hurt and upset but at least be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes past relationships can hold some mixed up feelings for a while. Sometimes you can think you are over it only to find out you were still dealing with a little bit of residual feelings from it.

...But then after that he kept in touch with her it would seem. Even if just via social media, they still kept in touch. Which... honestly.... I guess is his right to do if he wants. He's an adult and can decide who he wants to have as friends. ...BUT...I definitely understand and agree with how you felt about this too. I NEVER think it is a good idea to keep exes around in ANY way (even just on social media). This is exactly one of those reasons. I don't care if he is the most trustworthy person in the world... I still personally find it to be unfair to any new relationship. You shouldn't even have to be put into the position in the first place to feel jealous of an ex. Even if you WERE over-reacting, you shouldn't be put in the position to over-react in the first place.

I personally DON'T think you are over-reacting since I'd feel the same way. I think anybody would at least to some degree. Even if some people truly could be okay with it, I think we all can't help that uncontrollable instinct that would make us feel slightly jealous/uncomfortable with the situation. I don't know whether or not to believe his excuse for why he'd looked her up after all these years... but if that is truly the real reason... you couldn't find something else to satisfy those needs? Hell, you can barely visit the internet these days without running into porn even when you didn't WANT to. So, I'm honestly not sure I buy it.

I think, though, the more important thing in my mind boils down to two issues. 1) He lied. He told you he'd stop reaching out to her, yet here it is years later and he apparently still looks her up on social media. How long until he actually talks to her again (if he hasn't already)? 2) I don't know if it is just me, but the very fact that this upsets you should be enough of a reason for him not to have her in his life anymore. I mean, does he value her THAT much that it is worth hindering the relationship he actually HAS?

I mean, truth be told... he's an adult. So you can't/shouldn't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with in his own life. ....BUT.... to me the fact is that in a case like this, you shouldn't even HAVE TO in the first place. But, again, maybe I'm the weird one, I don't know. Maybe I'm judging him too harshly. Bottom line, though, I guess what is most important is whether or not you think you can trust him. Whether or not you think you two can work past this. Because, truth be told, if he seems unable and/or unwilling to remove her from his life completely, and if that just does not work for you... then MAYBE you two would be better just parting ways. Hopefully it wouldn't have to go that far... but if you two are just too far off on this then it would just likely be a sore subject in the relationship for a long time.

Best of luck to you either way. I hope some of our other members chime in too, because I'll admit that maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. So, I'd be curious to hear what some of our other members would think if they were in your situation.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

He loves her still. That's a fact. Deal with it
Or not