Why do I feel so down?

[Mr. E]

I know the title is a little vague, but I'll explain the situation.

Basically, I've been hanging out with a girl I went to high school with and currently go to college with. She's one of the most genuinely nice people I've ever met, we have quite a bit in common. We can talk for hours (well she talks, but I love listening to everything she has to say and I chime in now and again) and I feel that she's attracted to me. I wasn't really attracted to her beyond a friendship until we started hanging out this summer.

From the last few nights of conversation, I've learned a lot about her. I've found that she's the type of girl who gives everyone a chance as far as dating goes. This isn't something that I liked just because I despise pitty dates. Unfortunately, before I left her house at around 3:30am, the fact that she was not a virgin came out. It was a brief and nonchalant. It came out due to her explaining pictures that she and her roommate had made for each other. The pictures consisted of different drawings of objects that represented something about each of them. She said that the flowers on her roommate's picture meant that she had 'de-flowered' a lot of guys. Then she said that her roommate seemed to attract a lot of virgins for some reason. That much didn't phase me, but when she explained that there was also a flower on the picture that was made for her for deflowering her ex-boyfriend, I suddenly felt like I wanted to throw-up (among other things; it's the same feeling as getting dumped).

I pretended not to be phased by anything, but left shortly there after (it was also pretty late, but I didn't really feel like saying any more either).

I woke up this morning and felt a lot better, but then I started to wonder if this was just a one time or even one guy thing. Again, I felt sick and started to get depressed. The thing that bugged me was how nonchalant she said everything and how she stated that her roommate attracted and 'de-flowered' a lot of guys. It just seemed to me like she's not the person I thought she was or that she has changed quite a bit.

Am I weird for feeling this? I am a virgin and don't really feel the need to have sex before marriage. I'm sure that I sound like some guy from the 50's, but I guess I'm a little old fashioned. It's not like she's the only person I know who's had sex (in fact, I'm realizing more and more that it's quite rare to find someone who is) and I don't really care so much about that aspect of those other friends. I keep trying to turn myself off to her and to just look at her as one of those other friends, but I can't seem to do it.

Any comments are welcome. Hopefully this feeling will pass,



Mister-E

[shh!]

If dating a virgin is really that important to you, then give up with this girl and go find a virgin. Otherwise you will torture her the rest of her life (or for the rest of your relationship) for not being what you want her to be. If you decide to ignore this info, I would strongly advise you NOT to go snooping around about her sex life. It's none of your business, anyway, and will only disappoint you further.

[whaywardj]

Follow the VERY sound advice in the foregoing post and ask yourself how much you might be living in a dream world searching for a "pure" anything. That you become physically ill at the thought her being "unpure" is disturbing. Therein lie the seeds of an abusive, if not psychotic, personality.

[Mr. E]

Follow the VERY sound advice in the foregoing post and ask yourself how much you might be living in a dream world searching for a "pure" anything. That you become physically ill at the thought her being "unpure" is disturbing. Therein lie the seeds of an abusive, if not psychotic, personality.

Thanks for replying, but I didn't mean it to come across the way it did.

Normally, I wouldn't mind the whole virgin/no virgin thing. I guess I didn't really realize the specific reason I am feeling down until I read your replies.

I don't see her as 'unpure' at all. I guess the real problem I'm having is coming terms with the fact that I saw her as a different person. I seem to feel this way whenever someone I know changes, but I'm sure that's a topic for another forum altogether .

We're both 19 by the way.

You guys did put thing into perspective for me though.

As far as psychology goes, is it wrong to feel bad if she has slept with other guys? The guy she was talking about was someone she was with for 3 years, but the way she spoke of it made me question whether or not that was even an issue. The only reason I'd feel worse if there were more guys would be due to the fact that she had completely changed and is not the type of person I would pursue in that case.

Thanks

[shh!]

As far as psychology goes, is it wrong to feel bad if she has slept with other guys? The guy she was talking about was someone she was with for 3 years, but the way she spoke of it made me question whether or not that was even an issue. The only reason I'd feel worse if there were more guys would be due to the fact that she had completely changed and is not the type of person I would pursue in that case.

Thanks

Wrong? I wouldn't say wrong exactly. I know that some people put a higher premium on virginity than others do, and I guess there isn't anything necessarily wrong with that. It is simply a preference. It WOULD be wrong to pretend this is not an issue and then hold it against her later.

[Promise]

Don't give up on what you think is important. If you feel the need to be with a virgin, then do just so. There's someone out there for everyone; it won't be perfection, but it'll be comfortable and comprimises on most facts.

[JoGorilla]

Dude, go with your gut feeling. Don't let people tell you that finding purity is psycologically wrong. Everyone is different, and you need to do what's best for you. There's a lot of wannabe psycologists in here that will tell you you're crazy for what you think, but the truth is that if you are old fashioned, then be old fashioned and don't let society tell you what to feel. Look dude, if you feel let down, it's because you probably had a preconcieved notion of the type of person she was, and when you found out otherwise it surprised you. If it bugs you that much, man up and tell her how you feel. It's better to find out who she is and know what you're getting into, than to get into it and realize it's not what you thought.

[JimmyHat]

Go have sex with her, its just fun and games for people in their teens. Im sure if yall 2 did it, you would stop thinkin about her "other guy" and start thinking about how great it was.

[Mr. E]

Go have sex with her, its just fun and games for people in their teens. Im sure if yall 2 did it, you would stop thinkin about her "other guy" and start thinking about how great it was.

I hope to God you're joking! If not, next time you have a thought, please just let it go.

The fact is that if everyone had your "MTV logic", everyone would have AIDS.

As far as an update on my situation, after a few of days I've come around. I don't have the feelings of the same intensity for this girl (haven't actually seen her in a few days so that's bound to change when I do), but, at the same time, I don't think I see the whole virginity thing as that much of a big deal. As long as the girl isn't one who sleeps around.

Thanks for your help. I know that writing about this and reading your comments helped me quite a bit.

Thanks,
Mr. E

[Only-virgins]

A girls past bothers me alot Mr. E. Just read my name lol. I for one have alot of logic behind why I think this way but emotions for me play a big role. I dont blame your for feeling this way. I would probably feel the same way in your situation. If I was a virgin and the girl was not and I WAS FOR SURE going to stay with her then I think I would do a little uhh..catching up to her stats if you know what I mean.

its just fun and games for people in their teens.

So is teen pregnancy.

[bball_1523]

I hope to God you're joking! If not, next time you have a thought, please just let it go.

The fact is that if everyone had your "MTV logic", everyone would have AIDS.

As far as an update on my situation, after a few of days I've come around. I don't have the feelings of the same intensity for this girl (haven't actually seen her in a few days so that's bound to change when I do), but, at the same time, I don't think I see the whole virginity thing as that much of a big deal. As long as the girl isn't one who sleeps around.

Thanks for your help. I know that writing about this and reading your comments helped me quite a bit.

Thanks,
Mr. E

I kind of have a thing for virginity too, but not the way you do. If the girl I go out with wants to remain as a virgin until marriage, then I'd respect it and go along with her. If it was the other way, then I'd probably re-evaluate myself and have a good talk with her to see where we can lead things to.

I prefer to find a women who has slept with a few men as possible or even none! I definitely do not want to date a woman who goes around sleeping with people she finds at bars, parties, etc.

I think you should just re-evaluate what you really want from this girl, then when the time is right, I think you should talk to her about what she told about with the de-flowering thing. I don't think it's wrong to talk about anything, as long as you are honest.

[Nameless18]

It isn't wrong to feel down knowing someone you're interested in is not a virgin. I for once had the pleasure of a girl whom i really like admit to me she had done it with her ex-boyfriend. Then there's the feeling of an apple stuck in your throat. Though she wasn't a virgin like most guys wanted their girls to be, i just kept contacting her. It might shock me but i won't mind it as long as she doesn't go around "doing" other guys. Thats the thing that differenciate girls from sluts.

[Mr. E]

It isn't wrong to feel down knowing someone you're interested in is not a virgin. I for once had the pleasure of a girl whom i really like admit to me she had done it with her ex-boyfriend. Then there's the feeling of an apple stuck in your throat. Though she wasn't a virgin like most guys wanted their girls to be, i just kept contacting her. It might shock me but i won't mind it as long as she doesn't go around "doing" other guys. Thats the thing that differenciate girls from sluts.

I think you just hit the nail right on the head. Exactly how I was (and kinda still am) feeling. I knew someone could directly relate, but I didn't know if he was reading this.

Thanks,
Mr. E