Clingy

[LadieEm]

Hey, everyone. A little background first, then some advice would be nice!

My husband and I have been married for 3 years; our anniversary was yesterday. My husband told me at one time, my independence is what attracted him to me; I wasn't clingy unlike his best friend's wife, who was calling him all hours of the day.

Last year, my husband graduated college and received a wonderful job offer in a nearby city. We moved away from friends and family so he could have this job. We love our new city, and everything seems fine. Well, except for a few things.

I don't make friends easily. I suffer from social anxiety, and tend to get sick around too many people. For the first full year away, I had zero friends in our city. I went to church, volunteered places, and even had a job...yet I had a very difficult time making friends. I've been a stay-at-home wife for the most part, except for that one-time summer job, over the course of what is now a year and a half. I've even enrolled in school, but due to the overcrowding of schools, I have yet to get into any school...not even our community college. That, and since my husband makes too much, I don't qualify for any financial aid or help, so we'd be forced to pay everything out of pocket. He does well, but isn't willing to pay so much. We still need credit cards to pay off.

Anyway, onto the point. About 5-6 months ago, my best friend from our hometown had seriously betrayed me. She was the only close friend I had; we had been friends for 8 years, and all it took was me accidentally coming across an online blog she kept, where I read very hurtful things about myself, she had written out of jealousy. We made more money, she was jealous. We were trying to conceive, she was jealous and was wishing it wouldn't happen. Of course, we've been unable to conceive for 2 1/2 years, and it took her the first month she started trying with her husband to get pregnant. Anyway, I confronted her and gave her a chance to explain, even forgave her for that matter, but instead she turned away, couldn't face me, and went the gossip route. I had no choice but to walk away from the friendship.

So, I have no friends, I can't find a job, I can't get into the school yet, and even though I volunteer places, I feel completely lonely. I have my cats I communicate with, sadly, when my husband is working. When my husband comes home, I get excited because he's the only person who is close to me. He's a gamer, and normally I don't mind when he plays his video games on the weekends, and even evenings when he's home from work. Lately, however, I've been playing games with him, and becoming...needy, I guess you'd say. Because of this, he's been pulling away and making excuses as to why we can't "go anywhere" or "do this together."

I realize how sad this situation is, and I hate it. I hate feeling needy and becoming clingy. I'm going crazy with loneliness. My husband can only give me so much attention, and I feel guilty asking for too much. He's a husband, not a girlfriend.

How do I fix this? I want my independence back...I want to feel like I can handle a life on my own without constantly clinging to my husband for that human/girlfriend/husband interaction. I want that balance back. Blah.

[lahnnabell]

Volunteering is a great way to make contacts. I'm surprised you haven't met anyone, even despite the social anxiety.

Are you happy being a stay at home wife? Personally, I'd go out of my mind. What made you decide to give up working?

[LadieEm]

Well, for the first year and a half of our marriage, there were 4 jobs between us. I began working at the age of 16, and had always been independent in that matter. With my husband, I worked 2 jobs to put him through school. When he graduated, it was a relief to be able to stay at home and take a break. At this point we were hoping to get our family started, but infertility interrupted that. Personally, I love running errands, keeping this place clean, and doing my own schedule.

But, of course, it has been starting to drive me out of my mind. I'm ready to start working again, or at least do SOMETHING, know what I mean? It was more of hoping to be a stay-at-home mom. It's gotten so crazy I cling to my dear husband when I need socialization, which is both sad and annoying.

I've met many nice people, and we've been out before, chatting and having girl time, but I suppose at times I feel like I'm more like an interruption. These girls already have best friends and close friends. Eh, another issue of my own, lol.

[lovesjoyajm]

I've met many nice people, and we've been out before, chatting and having girl time, but I suppose at times I feel like I'm more like an interruption. These girls already have best friends and close friends. Eh, another issue of my own, lol.

Don't view yourself as an interruption or imposition on them - consider yourself a breath of fresh air! No matter how close friends are, or lovers for that matter, eventually conversations start to get repeated and for any normal people, some sort of refreshing new presence is often welcome. Of course you have to feel your way and see what they are receptive to, but remember your positive traits and the fact that your presence can enhance these people's lives.

[lahnnabell]

Moving is difficult. My ex and I moved to San Diego last August all the way from New England. For the 6 months that we were together here in SD, we had each other. I had two jobs, he was bogged down in his first year teaching. As time wore on, I began to make friends with some of my coworkers, and started going out more. He kept himself busy with work. He was very worried about keeping his job after the first year (lots of budget cuts and job loss where we are, especially teachers). He didn't give himself much personal space from work and I think he began to resent me a little for the balance I was maintaining with my work and personal life. I tried to help him and be supportive, but he resorted to being critical and cold toward me instead. This resulted in my leaving him.

It's tough to find others who are willing to invite you into their circle. I was very lucky to find a girlfriend that was quirky and good-natured like myself. She was a SoCal native, and so we took to spending more time together. She taught me the lay of the land, and showed me all around San Diego and introduced me to her friends. I love her to pieces for all of it.

I'm sorry to hear of how your close friend screwed you over. It's tough coming back from that. Do you think you're going to try and look for work? It will give you a sense of accomplishment that isn't tied to your husband.

[lahnnabell]

consider yourself a breath of fresh air!

Awww, this is what my boyfriend calls me!! Cuuute. I'm such a sap.

[LadieEm]

Don't view yourself as an interruption or imposition on them - consider yourself a breath of fresh air! No matter how close friends are, or lovers for that matter, eventually conversations start to get repeated and for any normal people, some sort of refreshing new presence is often welcome. Of course you have to feel your way and see what they are receptive to, but remember your positive traits and the fact that your presence can enhance these people's lives.

Thank you for that. I never really saw it that way.

Moving is difficult. My ex and I moved to San Diego last August all the way from New England. For the 6 months that we were together here in SD, we had each other. I had two jobs, he was bogged down in his first year teaching. As time wore on, I began to make friends with some of my coworkers, and started going out more. He kept himself busy with work. He was very worried about keeping his job after the first year (lots of budget cuts and job loss where we are, especially teachers). He didn't give himself much personal space from work and I think he began to resent me a little for the balance I was maintaining with my work and personal life. I tried to help him and be supportive, but he resorted to being critical and cold toward me instead. This resulted in my leaving him.

It's tough to find others who are willing to invite you into their circle. I was very lucky to find a girlfriend that was quirky and good-natured like myself. She was a SoCal native, and so we took to spending more time together. She taught me the lay of the land, and showed me all around San Diego and introduced me to her friends. I love her to pieces for all of it.

I'm sorry to hear of how your close friend screwed you over. It's tough coming back from that. Do you think you're going to try and look for work? It will give you a sense of accomplishment that isn't tied to your husband.

Thanks for your advice and story. I am looking for work, most definitely. I'm not having great luck finding a job, however. But hopefully something will come along so I can gain a bit of independence back.

Thanks to everyone for your advice! Much help.