How to overcome jealousy, insecurity in a relationship&become more independent&confid

[tennissqueaker3]

Only serious answers please.
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. we have had some messy fights over dumb stuff but we really love each other. I think I really cause more of the problems then he does. I am extremely jealous and insecure and want a lot of his attention all the time. (I sound like a 5 year old, isn't it amazing.)
He really has never given me any reason not to trust him. but I have gone through his phone, his computer, his email, etc. I feel like a crazy psycho when I do it but I have these crazy urges to do so. I think part of it stems from my dad having an affair during his marriage with my mom...which ended in divorce. I know my boyfriend is not my father; but it seems hard for me to actually get this.
I went nuts when I found out that he was watching porn and had saved pictures of porn on his computer and saved videos on his youtube account (I know I sound crazy...please keep reading, I need some advice). I've tried to get over that stuff and accept that its a guy thing. But I am insanely jealous of other girls.
Maybe this is just the way a relationship progresses but I have felt like he isnt as interested in me recently. This is all so complicated to explain here. But I started complaining a lot more about everything and I think it is driving him away. Sometimes I am not sure why he is even still with me.
He recently started a new job, which is like a training program, with people all in our age (20s), and they have a lot of icebreakers and get to know you kind of activities. They also have a lot of time to socialize. I am so jealous of all the time he spends with them and even though it is work and professional - the fact that he is talking to other girls so much. He will be in this busines/finance industry for probably the rest of his life so I know I need to get over this. Any thoughts or ideas?
I also unfairly make him responsible for MY happiness, which is dumb. I want to become more secure on my own, more self confident and more independent; and get rid of this jealousy. Any ideas?
Thanks for reading this. I know I sound totally crazy.

[girl68]

LOL, no advice but I know exactly how you feel.

[xxazurexx]

I will admit, I used to be real insecure in 'some' of my relationships and often because I was given cause to be. Now and again though, I could also be a little paranoid and imagine all sorts of crap and when I had no solid evidence to back it all up.

How did I overcome it?

I took on the attitude of 'what will be, will be'. If we were meant to be together, we would be - if it wasn't meant to be, it won't be.

If he was going to cheat on me, he would cheat on me and there was nothing I could do and to prevent it.

I stopped worrying about things that were totally beyond my control and that I had no power over.

If he will cheat on me....then I wasn't the woman for him.

Insecurity and jealousy are the biggest 'killers' of relationships. And you will eventually drive him away and if you don't change your ways.

[sweetkissesforu]

[url=http://www.selfesteemawareness.com/Self-Esteem-jealousy.htm]Article - Overcome jealousy in a relationship | Romantic jealousy[/url]
This article might help try thinking more positive when these thoughts come in your head like my bf is really special because thoughts

[tennissqueaker3]

thank you for your help and advice and the article. that was good!
it is true - maybe its just learning to not worry about what you cant control....I tend to be a very controlling person and I think I need to learn to let go....

[curios]

Trying to control everything, especially other people, will just drive you over the edge. It's illogical, it makes no sense, to try to control something you just can't. You even say he's given you no reason for distrust. So sounds like you need to just work on being logical and overcoming these impulses. Just remind yourself of the consequence: "If I keep acting like this, he will leave me."

[xxazurexx]

You will find that the relationship improves and gets much better and when you do - mine did

[HeartIsAching]

thank you for your help and advice and the article. that was good!
it is true - maybe its just learning to not worry about what you cant control....I tend to be a very controlling person and I think I need to learn to let go....

Absolutely. And the worst part of being controlling, is eventually they tire of the control and rebel... and you're left standing there gaping with a feeling of "How dare you?" as they walk off.

I've been the gaper and the walker, take my word for it.

[vertical_sky]

I have serious problems with insecurity and jealousy, but I've been able to wall off some of it by being very logical with myself. I can't speak for other jealousy/insecurities issues, but the porn may be easier to deal with than you think.

I used to be very upset by porn. Now I'm not, for two reasons: 1) I've built an understanding of it and 2) I've recognized those same feelings within myself, which has led to empathy and thus more forgiveness of the other person.

Do you read romance novels? Or watch romantic comedies in which the guy does some grand romantic gesture that makes you go "Ooo, do I wish my boyfriend would do that!" Do you-fleetingly, perhaps- recall what Brad Pitt looks like with his shirt off? Yes? Does this mean you are betraying your guy? No! These are fantasies... natural, normal fantasies. You still adore your guy and wouldn't trade him for anyone.

Try to see porn in the same way. Porn pictures/videos are just visualized fantasies- no (mature/sane) guy takes them seriously or thinks of them as some sort of better reality. Porn is a great way to let off some sexual pressure... Let's say one night you have a headache and aren't in the mood. Which option would you like your guy to take to fulfill his sexual need: a) go out and cheat on you b) whack off to some porn of women he is NEVER going to meet and who he has NO kind of emotional or physical relationship with, and return to bed with you happy and satisfied with life or c) do neither, and become resentful that his sexual needs are being ignored/repressed until he finally dumps you?

I know, I know, you say, but emotions aren't logical! I can't help but feel jealous even though B is obviously the best option!

That's where empathy comes in.

Start looking at porn yourself. No, really, I'm serious. Yes yes, we're girls, we're not SUPPOSED to be into porn, we're supposed to be virginal angels who only express our sexuality in a male-centric experience. Forget that! Throw it out the window! Reach deep down inside and find that tiny sexual spark of you that's intrigued by something (bondage? hentai? rape play?) that you've never really allowed yourself to experience. Now go find some porn about it. Google it (Rule #1 of the Internet: if you can think of it, the Internet has porn of it.) Try to shove down the shame long enough to catch a free video or two. Feel the catch? The "hmm, how interesting..." Maybe you're even thinking you should give the boyfriend a call.... This video has given you some ideas.

I think when women have a difficult time getting over their jealousy of porn, it's because they've never experienced porn for themselves. Maybe I might go as far to say they've never experienced their sexuality just for themselves. It's a foreign concept to a lot of women to have some part of their sexual self private. I think our culture tries to feed us this message that women's sexuality is only present opposite a guy's.... If you took away the Male, the woman's sexuality disappears. Men don't get that same message... They intuitively understand that having a private sexual self (masturbation, porn) does not damage a shared sexual life.

Try experiencing porn, porn that YOU enjoy. Make note of how you feel: would you leave your guy for any of the guys in the videos? No. You recognize that your own feelings about the porn you're enjoying do not threaten your relationship. That should make you more empathetic and understanding of your boyfriend's feelings about porn, thus alleviating some (hopefully most) of the jealousy and insecurity.

[HeartIsAching]

V_S, that was an OUTSTANDING post!!!

[tennissqueaker3]

thank you everyone for your responses!! they were all so helpful.
the jealousy and insecurity is definitely a problem and something I have to deal with. I guess I'm just struggling to figur eout how to get over it exactly. this is something I've been facing for a long time and even though people tell me the same things and the advice is always good...I can't seem to put it into action. but I know I really need to step it up now before I ruin this relationship completely and he leaves. people say you just have to trust him and that is the hard part. I keep telling myself he's not my dad, he's not my dad...it doesnt seem to get through. Maybe I am just thick skulled!

vertical sky - your post and thoughts were so helpful!! thank you! I never thought of it that way before. I do look at guys but no one would ever compare to my boyfriend and I would never think of leaving him for them. and also when I talk to guy friends Im not thinking how I want to get with them but I always think that when my BOYFRIEND is talking to another girl, he has some other agenda. which he probably doesnt. theyre probably just another person to him, not some girl he wants to take to bed. but also thanks for what you said about porn. our society is so interesting with how it just caters to men and their sexuality so much and I think women are kind of left behind a little bit.
but yeah I havent ever really experienced porn but maybe I will give it a try now tha tyou suggested it..!!

I have serious problems with insecurity and jealousy, but I've been able to wall off some of it by being very logical with myself. I can't speak for other jealousy/insecurities issues, but the porn may be easier to deal with than you think.

I used to be very upset by porn. Now I'm not, for two reasons: 1) I've built an understanding of it and 2) I've recognized those same feelings within myself, which has led to empathy and thus more forgiveness of the other person.

Do you read romance novels? Or watch romantic comedies in which the guy does some grand romantic gesture that makes you go "Ooo, do I wish my boyfriend would do that!" Do you-fleetingly, perhaps- recall what Brad Pitt looks like with his shirt off? Yes? Does this mean you are betraying your guy? No! These are fantasies... natural, normal fantasies. You still adore your guy and wouldn't trade him for anyone.

Try to see porn in the same way. Porn pictures/videos are just visualized fantasies- no (mature/sane) guy takes them seriously or thinks of them as some sort of better reality. Porn is a great way to let off some sexual pressure... Let's say one night you have a headache and aren't in the mood. Which option would you like your guy to take to fulfill his sexual need: a) go out and cheat on you b) whack off to some porn of women he is NEVER going to meet and who he has NO kind of emotional or physical relationship with, and return to bed with you happy and satisfied with life or c) do neither, and become resentful that his sexual needs are being ignored/repressed until he finally dumps you?

I know, I know, you say, but emotions aren't logical! I can't help but feel jealous even though B is obviously the best option!

That's where empathy comes in.

Start looking at porn yourself. No, really, I'm serious. Yes yes, we're girls, we're not SUPPOSED to be into porn, we're supposed to be virginal angels who only express our sexuality in a male-centric experience. Forget that! Throw it out the window! Reach deep down inside and find that tiny sexual spark of you that's intrigued by something (bondage? hentai? rape play?) that you've never really allowed yourself to experience. Now go find some porn about it. Google it (Rule #1 of the Internet: if you can think of it, the Internet has porn of it.) Try to shove down the shame long enough to catch a free video or two. Feel the catch? The "hmm, how interesting..." Maybe you're even thinking you should give the boyfriend a call.... This video has given you some ideas.

I think when women have a difficult time getting over their jealousy of porn, it's because they've never experienced porn for themselves. Maybe I might go as far to say they've never experienced their sexuality just for themselves. It's a foreign concept to a lot of women to have some part of their sexual self private. I think our culture tries to feed us this message that women's sexuality is only present opposite a guy's.... If you took away the Male, the woman's sexuality disappears. Men don't get that same message... They intuitively understand that having a private sexual self (masturbation, porn) does not damage a shared sexual life.

Try experiencing porn, porn that YOU enjoy. Make note of how you feel: would you leave your guy for any of the guys in the videos? No. You recognize that your own feelings about the porn you're enjoying do not threaten your relationship. That should make you more empathetic and understanding of your boyfriend's feelings about porn, thus alleviating some (hopefully most) of the jealousy and insecurity.