My dilema

[Dontknow]

Well here’s my dilema and I’m not sure what to do with this.
I have met someone at work that I have known for 2 years now. We really started getting close to each other within the last year. She’s a very beautiful girl that I always kinda had a crush on.

She works at our other branch and I see her once in the morning when she drops off paperwork. I knew she was engaged and was invited to her wedding. At the time I was involved in a bad relationship for about 5 years. It came to an end last summer.
At this point she really was the only unbiased opinion about my situation and really listened to me. We started getting close.
She then invites me to go for coffee with her on her break. It’s only a 15min break. So I would pick her up at her branch and we would go, talk about things and laugh about things.

After getting to know her more, I started realizing what an amazing woman she is. We think alike, like the same things, I can make her laugh all the time. We started loving being with each other and hanging out. Now coffee is an everyday occurance. We started e-mailing a lot through the company system. If she couldn’t drop off paperwork that day she’d make an excuse to come see me.
I love being with her.

Its still at the friendship level at this point. Then one day she just straight up asks me what I think. I was shy to tell her. She wanted to know!
Soooooooo I told her. You are an amazing woman that I find extremely attractive, we get along soooo well and that I’ve never met anyone like you before. And that I have pretty always had a crush on her! We just simply click. I wish we could actually take this to another level, but cant.
She was kinda floored! I thought it might have been abit obvious. But she was also very flattered! And yes she said there’s no denying that we do click.

I think from this point things started changing in our relationship.
She likes sex and likes talking about it. (so do I) Then we started to talk about sex a lot. She would want to know what I would do to her, etc, etc etc. The emails started to get really steamy and hot!!! We thought this was just innocent teasing. But was starting to get a little frustrating as well.

On a coffee break one day, she looks at me and tells me she has to be honest about something. She says at times she feels guilty going home to her husband. I, honestly, as well agreed with her and that I myself do have some guilty feelings about talking about sex with her, to a married woman. I have met her husband and he seems nice. This of course is waaaayyy before we started hanging out. I thought to myself “what the hell am I doing? She’s married and he seems to treat her well”. We talked some more about it and now the mood of our coffee break is very mellow. It was like our fantasies were slapped in the face with a good dose of reality. I felt awful and so did she.
I’ve never tried to coax her into the sack. Never even truly hit on her either. But now its getting frustrating for both of us. Its also obvious now that we truly are attracted to each other. She is a VERY hot woman!

That weekend we texted the whole weekend back and forth. She was worried I wasn’t doing well. She herself wasn’t feeling that good about it either. I just basically told her that yeah I’d love nothing more than to have you and share my life with. I can tell her anything without judgement. We agreed to lay off the sex talk and start taking it easy.

Monday comes around. We do our usual morning e-mails, and before you know it we’re right back at it again! This is almost like an addiction. She shows up to drop off paperwork and we talked a lot about what happened. She says she’s frustrated too about this. We worked it out and that things will be okay. I didn’t really ever want this to get to the point to where I might lose her as a friend, or that she gets in trouble with her husband if he ever found out. Also at this point we call each other hun and say Love you, allll the time.

We still are doing our coffee breaks together and such. Actually not much has changed.
Then she confesses that at times she wants to kiss me BAD! I do too! But we can’t and we start talking about if we actually have sex, that the aftermath will be bad. I really don’t want her going home to her husband feeling awful.

There’s some rumors going on at work about an affair, that some of my co-workers don’t like it and such. My roommate, (I’m his boss there) Tells me it looks BAD and that so and so doesn’t like it at all. BUT we didn’t care what people thought, if we wanted to hang out and talk we will!
The rumors die down and it’s such an everyday occurance now no-one bothers me about it.

So a few more months have passed and we’re still loving being with each other. I’ll email her at nights now too. She tells me she’s excited to see me, loves being with me, that I’m sexy and attractive. I say the same to her, we just connect and the connection is soooo obvious with us. A couple of times she went on some trips with her hubby to see his family. She had been gone for about 10days and it was really hard at work not having her there. And for some reason it didn’t bug me that she’s with him.

Now this last coffee break we were doing our usual routine, laughing and talking. I asked her what she was up to on the weekend. She said she was going to a city (3.5 hours away) to see some friends. I could tell she didn’t really want to tell me because she’s going to be with her husband. She was a little reluctant. Oh, I say. This time it bothered me, and she could tell. After I dropped her off at work, she give me this look, ive seen this look before. Almost like she’s sad.

After she left work she calls me to see if I am doing okay. She just simply says “I know hon, I know”. She can read me like a book. I just said that it never really bothered me but this time it did. She totally understands and says she can totally relate. Hmmm.
The thing is about this situation I have to question is this.
Am I in love with her? At times I think I am, when we are together.
Is she falling in love with me? Sometimes I think yes, but she has someone to go home to. I don’t.
Where is this going to end up?
I will have a big dose of reality when she gets pregnant with him. As far as I know she wants kids, but doesn’t say it around me. She told my roommate last week that she wants one and so does he. She’ll never talk about it with me.
Is this relationship based on fantasy and denial?
Will I ever lose her? I don’t want to lose her, she’s my closest friend.
Why am I having these feelings for a married woman? We never thought it would ever be like this, or get to this point.
And the irrational selfish thoughts I have. That I would try to get her no matter what. My intention isn’t this at all. Or is it?
Here I’ve met the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth that I could have if the timing was right? Is there a reason why I’m not with her?
Confusing? Yes!

[carl1222]

You know, your reckless behavior pretty much assures that it will get back to her husband some day. He may be (too) trusting and all, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.

And your recklessness goes far beyond being indiscreet. The two of you just can't seem to help yourselves from tickling the tail of that sleeping dragon ... one day the dragon will wake up, an opportunity will present itself, and you will wind up in her bed (or more likely, the bed of a "by the hour" hotel.)

You say her husband is a nice guy ... and you don't indicate that she has any complaints about him. So the blame falls squarely on your shoulders and hers if you destroy their marriage ... and over what? An attraction gone too far?

You says it's at the friendship level so far. Bullsh*t! It's way beyond that and you both know it. So cut the crap about not wanting to lose a friend.

The only remotely decent thing you can do at this point is to cut it off completely.

Carl.

ps ... I hope you're the top boss at work. If not, expect the sh*t to hit the fan at work when her husband finds out!

[chump4u]

What Carl 1222 says. Read it again.

Anyway, you answered yourself in the middle of your post-- answered all your questions before you even asked them:

"Am I in love with her?" ("What the hell am I doing?...")

"Where is this going to end up?" ("What the hell am I doing?...")

"Will I ever lose her?" ("What the hell am I doing?...")

"Is there a reason why I'm not with her?" ("What the hell am I doing?...")

I mean, I hope you see what I'm saying here?

[Dontknow]

Other advice I've got, is to ask her if she'll leave her husband for me.
If not? Then I'll have to completely end this!
I'm abit of a pansy! I do not want her out of my life completely. I'll still see her and it would be awkward if I pull the trigger and do this.
Sounds stupid I know.
Its like an addiction and torture at the same time.
Maybe it is because of the messed up relationship I had before.
Maybe I like pain and torture?