I am hoping for some advice or experiences

[broken_wing19]

Hello. I am new to this forum. By joining here, I am hoping to discover if I am doing the right thing, or hurting myself by keeping myself from what I truly need. I am really confused.

I am almost 26 years old and am sort of engaged. By sort of, I mean there has been no official proposal or ring yet cause the significant other is unable to find employment due to his teenage history of being a trouble maker. I love him, but I am not sure if I want to have a title that doesn't really exist. I don't have the heart to tell him I don't want to be called his fiance when really, I have nothing to show for it. My family asks me all the time if I'm officially engaged. I always make up some excuse so that I feel better.

I'm confused about how I feel. His family just adores me. They have been so good to us it's absolutely ridiculous. This past Christmas they went nuts with gifts and everything, which made me feel worse and more like I am stuck because of how I have been feeling.

I work only part time. Due to a past diagnosed mental illness from the death of my mother which the man who killed her got away with. Christmas of 2008 marked 3 years since she's been gone and I've been finding myself thinking that she would would kick my ass if she could for not grabbing life by the hand and doing what I want and having what I want. I remember one of the things she taught me about life like a wound that will never heal: "Always do your best to make something of yourself so you never have to depend on anyone for anything."

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. Well, the start was rocky and off and on, so it's complicated. However, I feel like if for some reason I have one inkling of doubt in my mind about anything, I shouldn't be allowed to. There isn't anything I've needed that he and his family haven't provided, but that mostly being his family. I almost feel trapped, like if I need to take time to find myself, he knows I wouldn't because I'd feel guilty of abandoning him. The truth is, I would feel that way. I've never told him that, but he seems to know anyways.

We get along well for the most part. I feel like we are more friends who live together at times more than anything. It's been a chore trying to even build a sexual relationship because he just has no interest nor has he had too many serious relationships. I'm no sex-crazed maniac, but I don't think I should feel like I have to beg or worse to get my point across that no physical relationship is killing everything. He often mentions to me that I said sex wasn't everything in a relationship, and he is right I did say that. But how am I supposed to spend my life with someone who will never fulfill my needs or desires. For example, I want my first child before I am 30. He doesn't take me seriously, and honestly, at this point, I know what I want, and I feel like I will never have it becuase he just does not understand that I desire a life where there is an equal effort and support. Right now as things stand, he's the stay-at-home guy, and I'm the one out making a living for us due the the above mentioned problem. I am tired of having to watch him turn to his mom and dad when we need help for something, and I am tired of not living my life to the fullest it can be. I am so lost!

Don't get me wrong we are great together, he treats me well. But we lack some things that any life-long term relationship needs. I am not sure how he would react if I needed some time to myself for a while. He's been known to do things that aren't exactly logical when things do not go his own way at times. He easily get jealous cause he knows that I love it when someone pays their undivided attention to me.

There is so much more to say, but I am not sure how to start about it. I know right now it sounds like I am tearing him down. However, I am not completly providing the information that is needed for the credit he does deserve. Maybe that is because the things that I need that are not there are the issues that are hurting me, actually us, the most.

I'm not sure what to go into detail about from here. I hope someone out there can help me before I hurt myself mentally and/or emotionally. I cry a lot for some unknown reason, and it frustrates him and makes him think I am giving him excuses because I really do not know what the reason for the tears and frustrations are.

How do I start to figure out my puzzle so that I can stop tormenting myself. Any help at all would be muchly appreciated.

So much more to say, but not sure what needs to be said to figure out the issues.

[vashti]

It sounds to me like you are crying because you KNOW this relationship isn't right, and that you aren't ready to commit to this guy, and also that you are afraid to tell him the truth.

BTW -

no ring + no date = not engaged

[broken_wing19]

Thank you for your opinion. I realize that I am unsure if he is the right guy for me, thing is, while so much is right, I can't just expect him to change for the things that aren't.

How does one approach someone and tell them that they are unsure if they are the right one for them without seeming hostile?

I do love him, but being in love is another story. I'm so confused. I wish I knew how to explain how I am feeling to him, but I just can't seem to find the right words.

I know that we really aren't engaged and that he wants to be. I've told him that without a ring and a date, really there is no engagement. He just wants the promise to seem real so no one else sweeps me away...most likely.

There must be a way for me to know what way to turn, or what to say, isn't there???