Depressed GF, what in the world should I do I'm so confused

[wornOut]

I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year. I love her to death, we love the same things, have similar personalities, have the same outlook on life, we just fit so well. I'm comfortable with her and feel like I can be myself and she feels the exact same way about me. Her family is also really cool and likes me a lot. Sounds perfect don't?

I knew that she had some problems, manic depression and bi-polar disorder (I have both of these as well just not nearly as severe), multiple personalities (usually only a certain one comes out and rarely at that, but they're still there) and a whole lot of other medical problems (a form of epilepsy, severe pain in her joints, and is always always sick with something)

I knew what I could be in for at the beginning, but dammit I love this girl and I wanted to try and see where it went. Well a full year and some change later and I am physically and emotionally becoming drained. I am doing everything in my power to help her through her episodes of depression, but I can't do anything when she gets in them. She will get very very depressed over pretty much anything, sometimes even something as simple as what movie to go to or whats for dinner will set her off and for the rest of the evening and perhaps for days after she is lost in a deep, self hating depression. Like I mentioned before I have had problems with depression and I sometimes, though it is rarely I have something that sets me off. When this happens she gets even more upset and I have to push down my emotions and do whatever I can to hold it together so I can comfort her.

She also use to self harm and that is always a concern to me and I have nightmares sometimes of her doing something to herself. I've had to hide sharp objects on many occasions.

One of the more concerning things about this is that she is very very insecure and constantly worry's that I'm gonna want to break up. Says she doesn't know what she'll do without me.

Rationally my mind tells me that I can't live like this forever because I will probably lose my mind. Its just not that simple though because I love her and I've never met anyone that I click with so perfectly before. Just thinking of a possible break up is making me break down into a fit of tears as I type this. I don't know what to do! Right now I can't picture myself without her even though I think it might not be in my best interest. If we do break up I.....I just want her to be ok. Shes a wonderful person with a beautiful creative soul and is just such a nice and kind person, I don't want her to hurt herself or worse if a breakup happens!
If she didn't have these problems I would have already gotten down on one knee and asked her to be mine forever...

I'm going to go ahead and leave this open for some reply's and I'll come back later, I'm tired from crying and can't do it anymore.

Thank you for any words of advice

[sweetkissesforu]

[url=http://depression.about.com/cs/basicfacts/a/howtohelp.htm]How to Help Depressed Loved Ones[/url]
[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder]Bipolar disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]
Educate yourself so you can understand her better learn her triggers my sister was bipolar not an easy and be careful it can be contagious as the one site says be patient find things that she enjoys encouragement lots of hugs and she is sooooooo lucky to have you Good luck

[Gratedwasabi]

This is a really tough situation.

First of all, you sound like a fantastic guy. You really do. And I'm going to try and think of something that might help.

I'm assuming she is actively treating these things; ie seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, etc on a regular (weekly) basis. If not, that's a very necessary place to start.

I think talking with her family about this, without her there, is probably a good idea. It's important for people with those types of problems to have a circle of people they trust and that love them and it's much more effective if everyone is on the same page. Assuming she lives away from her parents, you also probably have a better grasp of what is currently going on with her then they do. It might even be a very good idea to go with her parents and whomever else she is closest to in the family, ie a fav. sister or what not, to a psychiatrist and talk about what all of you can do, together, to help her.

I also think it's probably a good idea for you to go with her sometimes to the therapist to get a better idea of what's going on and to be a safe person there for her.

At the end of the day, you do need to worry about yourself. But if, without these problems, you'd marry her in a heartbeat I think you should continue working on this. Those problems never go away but the symptoms can be soothed. There are good and bad times, but hopefully if you work at it with her, her family, and yourself you can make those good times outweigh the bad.

[damn2010]

Sorry man, but you really need to reflect and take a moment to be selfish. Do you really want to put with all of that for the rest of your life?

My last girlfriend (she was 30) suffered from clinical, genetic depression (she got it from her dad's side of the family). On top of that she also has endometriosis (an illness where the female uteral tissue grows outside of the uterus on other organs. It needs to actually be surgically removed and she has had 9 surgeries to date cause of it) as well as a weak immune system. On top of that she is trying to finish nursing school, she had a lot of issues with work, and has a wonderfully supportive family but they do somewhat "control" her because they worry about her. Also, at her age, the endometriosis also can prevent her from getting pregnant and increases risks of a miscarriage. The endometriosis also causes her periods to be extremely painful on top of her already sensitive immune system. It's sad because she is a wonderful girl.

I did make some mistakes with her as I have a problem of getting "excited and anxious" when I enter a new relationship (I'm working on all these now). I was somewhat clingy and we did rush to sex quicker than we should have. I regret it all now and wish I could go back but I can't.

However, my point is this. I think a lot of her other relationships have failed and stopped because of her depression. She has come a LONG way from when she was younger, but it seems to be a form of self-pity in which she pushes everyone away until she "feels better". Granted, when she broke up with me...we had just spent a weekend where she was in bed most of the time and I just was relaxing with her. I was happy as could be but I don't think she saw it the same way. Her last relationship fell apart because she got surgery (again) and couldn't do anything and I believe her b/f just got tired of it and a rift grew.

She did lose her interest in me and was honest with me. But she made an extra emphasis of stating that she needs to feel better and heal and that she needs to focus on herself before she can focus on someone else. This is a common issue with depression. If the person can't love themself, then they CANNOT love others. It sucked but I can't be there for someone who doesn't WANT me there. The difference is that my ex-gf was very self-aware with her depression and knew when she needed her "me-time" and when she needed others to be away. Most of the time we have spent together she has been on the bed very depressed or in pain from her illnesses. Coupled with all the endometriosis issues, I have viewed the break-up as some blessing in disguise and maybe a sign it wasn't meant to be.

The point though is: is this working for you? Do you love and care for this girl enough that you can do this? Dealing with a rollercoaster ride up and down? You should not GUILT yourself to be in something that you don't want to be.

[red_sparrow]

^ above post:

wise words. the key here is: do you love and care for this girl enough that you can do this? My BF has gone through a lot, and my parents will often tell me he has too much 'baggage.' (I'll tell myself this, too) his parents divorced when he was about 12, he's been in environments where he felt like he couldn't relate to people, low self-esteem (the usual BS people go through, though most of us don't make a big deal of it). sometimes, i feel like i'm the only good tihng in his life, other than ambition and the decent job he has now. but i always feel like the job is thanks to me.. and like everything he's doing now is thanks to me. maybe it's a bit selfish.

point is, i know a bit of what you're feeling. i probably don't know the half of it (he doesn't have bi-polar), but he did say he was depressed at one point. and he does have 'baggage' or 'issues' (as someone might put it). he's abused drugs before and drank heavily. it's hard when you dont understand. i know. i dont understand myself, as i was raised in a good home with loving parents--who want me to break up with him!

[wornOut]

Thanks for the wise words you guys especially from damn2010.
See rationally I know that I would lose my mind if I had to deal with this long term, I know for a fact I can't. Over the last couple days its been ok, but I know thats likely going to change soon. Without going into too much detail, she has a dog that she wants to move into my house. I have 2 already and while I like her dog, I don't really want him here yet because the place is kinda small. She's been pushing me to let her bring him over or she'll move back home....I might just take this opportunity to let the relationship gradually settle down and suggest she move back and if a breakup needs to happen it'll be easier to take.

I do love her very very much, but I can see the writing on the wall and I know I need to think about myself in all this as well. I'm a giver with the people I care about and I'll give till it hurts, but I'm not willing to destroy myself over someone either.

My plan I decided is this. I want to give it a little time to see how things play out, say like 4 months. If I'm still feeling the same at that point, it needs to end. She's an awesome person and I would be more than happy if this goes south to stay her friend and help her out a little in some way, but I just can't do it as a significant other. I just don't think I can handle it.

Thanks again all and any additional comments or advice are much appreciated

Happy Holidays!

[damn2010]

Good luck man! Happy Holidays and the best to you!

One key to it though is you should be honest with her. Don't beat around the bush and say "Oh you're sweet but I just don't see us in the long term". Be honest and say that though you respect her and you have tried to deal with her illnesses, it's just too much for you and in the long run it just won't work out. Stress that you'll be a friend and always willing to talk but a romantic relationship will just not work because it is draining on you to do this up-and-down.

I'm a giver too, man. I'm naturally unselfish but I've learned through life experiences that you have to have times where you have to be selfish. With my last girlfriend who had depression, I guarded myself and my feelings and she was really into me, then when I let my guard down she's pushing me off to the curb. I want to travel and do a bunch of activities with my other and with her, it probably would've been a while before that was possible. Granted, like I said, I did rush some things but I've learned to just move forward. I hope one day she and I can be friends but we'll see.

How old are you two by the way?

Also, let us know how it goes! I'd certainly be interested in hearing how she handled it,etc.

[wornOut]

I actually forgot that I posted this here, but I should probably give somewhat of an update. I still haven't broken up with her but now I'm itching to do it and just waiting for the right opportunity. I just can't take it any more! I don't even remember who I am anymore because we're around each other so often. Intimacy has become a problem as well, I don't want to really do things anymore because I don't feel the same as before. I feel like crap and I want to say something, but at the same time I want to chose just the right moment. I thought I had it yesterday, but it fell through and I didn't have a chance. How in the world should I bring this up...Theres a multitude of reasons I want to break up. I have concerns for the future because of her many problems, I'm suffocating because I have no time for myself, my family is getting pissed at me cause I don't spend nearly any time with them, I have to clean up and do all the household chores, its all just driving me batsh*t insane!!!!!

......that being said she is still a nice person and I want to pick the right moment but its not presenting itself. I just want to say something like, I feel like I'm suffocating here and losing track of who I am. I have no time for myself and with classes starting up again I need as much me time as I can get. The big problem was that we started off way too quickly and are finally starting to feel the effects of it. I need to be by myself. I have no time for anyone else.

Its a half truth but it sounds like the best way to go. I don't want to blame a breakup solely on her problems even if they are a big part of it. I would rather it fall on me if possible. Do I want to date people in the future, well of course, but I definitely need some time on my own and return to the person I use to be.

[Avg.]

I actually just came out of the same situation with me being the depressed GF. I guarantee you she wants the same thing. But she has probably lost track of who she is, as well, and thus clings on to you.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do this in person. Make it amicable. Tell her your honest feelings in a censored manner.

If you break it up- IT'S OVER. She can't take you back. One person's decision is enough.

Please be kind about it. And please save both yourselves the heartbreak and don't hook up with some the next few days. The heartbreak is still tender and you both can't handle it at the moment. Don't try to shove it in her face that your happy or trying to move on. It's just end up being a blow-for-blow situation where you guys try to prove yourselves.

_____________

I'm feeling the affects of the same situation and I'm much less depressed. I'm happier. I'm finding myself again.
Please do this amicably, but make it clear you want no real contact or dialogue between you both because you need time to yourself. Tell her that if you don't return her texts or calls, it's nothing personal. You just need the time alone to get your stuff together.
Make it clear you're BOTH broken people. And this may be an opportunity for both of you to find your own friends and own lives again.

Please please please do this in person, though. My ex broke up with me through a phonecall, hooked up with someone two days later and I know he felt like you did. And now he'll never hear a word from me ever again.

Thanks.