Internet Romance

[Daniel]

I have a two part question here. Let me first explain the situation. I am a 41 year old male who lives in the USA and I have been talking with a 20 year old girl who lives in the UK. We have been talking everyday for at least 3 hours per day for more than 7 months. I feel that I have fallen in love with her and she says that she has as well with me, but she really isnt sure of it because her mom says that it is impossible to fall in love with someone you have never met. I will be going to meet her next year, and if everything goes well, I will be moving there to be near her. But a problem arises. She is sure that her parents will not accept our age difference, and she does not want to anger her parents. She has suggested that we keep our romance a secret, but I cant do this. I have told her that if we want this to work, we must be honest and open about it. We cant forever sneak around hoping someone wont see us. She and I are now both worried that her parents will not accept our relationship and this will be the end. The last thing I want to do is come between her and her parents.
So, my two questions are:
1. Do you think it is possible to love someone you have never met?
2. What do you think about the age difference.

Any and all answers on this will be helpful. Thank you.

[Junsui]

IMO, that's a pretty big age difference. I would imagine that you have more life experience than her and are probably more mature which is evident to me in how she wants to hide the relationship from her parents. I understand her parents may not accept the relationship, but you're right, you can't go on hiding it forever if it's something you really plan on having. I'm not sure if it's possible to love someone you've never met.

[Tone]

To be honest...

#1) No. I think you can fall in love with what you build that person up in your mind to be, but from what I hear, most people are usually disappointed or find out that person isn't exactly what they thought they were when they finally do meet. Think about it, you can control when you get to talk to her, you control every circumstance, cause if you want, you can sign off and she no longer exists. When you get around people in the 'real world' you have to deal with all sides of them... I don't think you can get that kind of experience over the net. I think it's possible to like someone, and make friends, and possibly meet someone (if they live close to you) over the net, but I wouldn't use it as the means of your relationship... as in, I think it could be used as a tool to meet people, but I don't think you can fall in love with someone over the net... like I said, you just fall in love with the image of this person you build up in your mind.

#2) I agree with Junsui, it is a big age difference... especially since you guys just know each other over the net. Sorry to say man, but you gotta face reality here, I wouldn't move to another country for someone I met on the net...

[Daniel]

I appreciate your responses. I will be moving next year no matter what happens, because I need to leave where I am now. I will be going to the UK next year to meet her. I will be spending a month with her and then, if everything goes well, I will move there. I am just not sure how to handle the problem with her parents.

[Tone]

I'd worry about how you two are gonna get along first before worrying about the parents. Once you meet and spend your month with her, and find out you guys both get along great and you feel like you're the couple on screen that people go to the movies to see - then you can worry about the parents. Cause think of it, what good is all this worrying and concerning about what her parents think gonna mean if you go out and meet her and find out she's just not what you thought she was (very possible considering you met through the internet) and you end up deciding not to move out? Nothing - you will have wasted all this time worrying about something that's not even gonna happen.

Until then I wouldn't get either of you too worked up about it... and probably impossible now, but not to get your hopes up.

[Asip4u]

There are a lot of IF's in this situation. I basically agree with Tone here.

[cheazypeaz]

sorry but i think its a no go.

you are old enough to be her father.

[Ellynn]

1. Honestly you need to meet a person and spend actual time with them before actually falling in love with them. I think you are in love with the idea of her......not her.

2. The age gap is a big deal. Her parents WILL flip....trust me. But then again.....take things a step at a time and at least meet her to see if there is anything there to begin with.

[shh!]

OK, well I guess its time I "out" myself on the age gap issue.

My husband is 20 years older than I am. I met him when I was 20. Naturally, I thought I was ready to marry him, and my mother didn't even object. In fact, she encouraged me. My husband is the most popular member of my family and is a genuinely nice guy and a very good husband. He is in good health for a man his age, and doesn't suffer from any of the sexual dysfunctions which are common amongst men his age. (Thank god!)

I can't say I am exactly SORRY I married my husband, but I know I wouldn't do it again, and I would strongly oppose my daughter marrying someone who is so much older. The older I get, the more horrific the age gap seems. The problem is that at the age of 20, a girl is still growing into being a woman (whether or not she realizes it) and her growth will lead her to unforseeable places. She may very well end up in a very different state of mind than what she (or you) can possibly anticipate at this point. Basically, at the age of 20, she is still in her growth stage (and will be for probably the next 10 years), but you, at the age of 41, are not. What is a good match now will not likely remain so.

There are other factors. Do you have children? Blending families is a hard enough task without having the children have to deal with having a hot, young step-mommy. Trust me when I say that this breeds resentment amongst daughters especially.

The possibility of sexual dysfunction is a BIG worry for me, as my husband is in the age range where things start to fall apart. Also, he has a history of Alzheimers in his family, and so everytime he forgets something, I start to worry that he is showing symptoms of dementia. I guess in a way I feel cheated out of all those years of having no health worries to contend with, and I can't believe it never occurred to him that his marrying me was a bit unfair.

Also, there is often an inherent imbalance of power with this large an age gap (although I have to say that is not the case for me). As she grows fully into womanhood, she will want to assert herself as an equal, and oftentimes men (who have up to that point enjoyed a higher level of "power") don't deal well with the shifting balance of power.

I think that should give you a few points to consider.

[Tone]

Eep

;x

__________________

[Ellynn]

I guess whatever floats your boat....and if you do truly find someone that much different in age from you and it works....go for it...

But also keep in mind that you have yet to meet her. Do that first......before jumping the gun....

Honestly I don't think I could date a guy who was old enough to be my dad.....but thats just me....

[shh!]

Eep

;x

__________________

Eeep? Was that the best you could come up with? hahaha

[Asip4u]

Eeep? Was that the best you could come up with? hahaha

Tone is slowing down with his smooth lines i guess.

[shh!]

He's been shocked into silence.
:-D

[Tone]

I was talking about...

...something else.