sharing my heartbreak

[amazonian]

Hi guys, I'm new to the forum. I joined up today, looking for somewhere to spill my heart out and read what others have to say and have gone through - any sort of hope to cling to I guess.
I'm sitting here crying as I type this. My bf of 4 years and I have finally broken up. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions and I feel so empty and alone. We are both a little older (I am 37, he is 42), we are both divorcee's with children.
I so very badly miss my bestfriend and lover - sounds like a few of you can relate to the pain - it's not just emotional, it's physical too.
I just want him back and for everything to be ok, but this has been a re-accuring problem for us for quite a while now.
We both live in different suburbs (30 mins apart to be exact) and we both have our children full time (he has every second weekend off - I don't). We had all the normal relationship issues, fights over stupid stuff really, but we always sort things out.
He has been like a father to my youngest (we started seeing each other when I was pregnant - the father has not bothered to be in contact - another long story). So basically he is also like a father to my little one - it's all she has ever known.
Our problem is that he won't compromise over living arrangements and he has stated quite clearly that he doesn't want to marry me either.
I have wanted to marry him and have been waiting and expecting him to propose from about 12 months onwards - thats how great our relationship was. Slowly over the years I realised that he won't even say that "I am the love of his life". I know he loves me and he has no trouble saying he loves me, or being affectionate etc, but he most definitely likes things just the way they are - seeing each other on holidays, weekends, phone chats, get togethers, etc.
I have no problem trusting him and knowing he has been faithful, etc, but I just don't understand how after all this time, he STILL doesn't want to marry me and won't even say that I am the love of his life...
It has been crushing my hopes and making me feel as though something must be wrong with me and as though perhaps I am just not good enough!
I had to give an ultimatum - not that he had to marry me now (circumstances are still a bit awkward with kids - schools, etc), but just that he had to tell me that we WANTED to marry me and that I was the "love of his life", he couldn't do it.
I appreciate that he hasn't lied to me, but I am so broken up. I almost want to just take him back and try and just not care - but I have wrestled with this one for years now, and I DO CARE.
I have to keep going and raise kids, etc, and I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying all day.
I really thought he was the one!! How could I feel so differently to him!?

[Gigabitch]

You are so very, very fortunate that you had such a straight-up guy. I know it really hurts, but this could be so much worse. Being lied to is something so much more poisonous than a clean heartbreak.

I think if you actually were the love of his life, he would be able to tell you. Clearly, you are not. I am so sorry. As to how you could both feel so differently, think of it this way: you're both feeling 100% of what you're capable of right now. You just have a different capacity than he does.

Whatever his reasons are for not wanting to get married, I'm sure they're about a whole lot more than not loving you enough. People are complicated. If you want to pour out all of the possible reasons for his unwillingness to commit further, I promise I'll read them.

Do you have any time to actually curl up in a ball and grieve? I think it would be a really good thing for you if you could spend a couple of days just wallowing in it. Also, do you have girlfriends that will check in with you every day? When my heart was broken, I found that to be important.

[Junket]

I think it's unfortunate that an outdated concept like marriage is enough to deteriorate what would otherwise be a happy relationship.

[ecojeanne]

i agree with giga and fras, i'm sorry that he doesn't feel the same love for you that you have for him. but i also agree with fras that one person wanting marraige seems to ruin a lot of good relationships. what are the reasons you want to get married? if another perfectly nice man came along and asked you to marry him would you consider it? if you can answer no then maybe giving up on a good relationship could be a mistake. but at the same time he says that you are not the love of his life, that could have a lot to do with his age and the fact that he has devalued love and his feelings for his own protection thoughout the years.

i'm sorry for your heartbreak

[Mish]

I agree with Fras in this particular situation. Marriage is usually associated with raising up kids. Since the two of you already have children from previous marriages with respective parents of those marriages, is there really any point to being married again? What can you get from marriage that you don't already have?

[misombra]

it's very difficult to be happy in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a strong love and affection for you or who isn't capable of admitting it.

[Mish]

it's very difficult to be happy in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a strong love and affection for you or who isn't capable of admitting it.

He says he loves her, but maybe he doesn't say she is the love of his life because he doesn't want to marry her? If someone asked me if they were the love of my life, I would automatically assume that's where the question was leading.

[misombra]

that would probably be a wrong assumption.

[amazonian]

Thanks for all the thoughts and comments. The same thing keeps going through my mind, (why ruin a perfectly good relationship due to marriage) and this has been the one recurring argument that has caused problems for us in the past. In the end I have usually just gotten on with it because I just don't want to be without him, and I have tried really hard to accept his feelings and just enjoy the relationship which has been really special to me. There are a couple of issues that branch from this though... His inability to let me know that I am the love of his life errodes my self esteem. I want to know why not? I try and talk myself around and I just can't seem to help this feeling... and as for marriage - I just yearn for a real family and also I guess I am a bit old fashioned - I see marriage as that public declaration that I am his, and he is mine. I hope I don't sound too lame. It isn't just this of course, but it is certainly a big part of my hopes and dreams, and I just can't seem to accept it? I hate this!! I just can't imagine what to do now.
As to "would I marry someone else"? Well of course at the moment I just can't imagine anyone else in my arms or my heart, so I guess I can't really answer that one right now - I don't really want to. I want him to want me.
As to his reasons, he says he just doesn't believe in marriage anymore and living together in a few years time when the kids all leave home is all he wants to think about. But of course, not right now.
Of course I see the sensible side of this, but my emotions just keep on bubbling up to the surface and I get lonely and feel as though he should be wanting me more? Stupid me hey? There's also a part of me that wonders if he will just up and leave when the kids leave home and he is entirely free, why? I don't know? Maybe I'm just insecure about this? By the way, his kids are all in highschool - I am the only one with a preschooler, and my eldest child is in high school as well.
I am really in turmoil and I just don't know what to do.

[ecojeanne]

As to his reasons, he says he just doesn't believe in marriage anymore and living together in a few years time when the kids all leave home is all he wants to think about. But of course, not right now.
Of course I see the sensible side of this, but my emotions just keep on bubbling up to the surface and I get lonely and feel as though he should be wanting me more? Stupid me hey? There's also a part of me that wonders if he will just up and leave when the kids leave home and he is entirely free, why? I don't know? Maybe I'm just insecure about this? By the way, his kids are all in highschool - I am the only one with a preschooler, and my eldest child is in high school as well.
I am really in turmoil and I just don't know what to do.

i can understand him not wanting to live with you while his kids are still in school, he is protecting them.

about him up and leaving: well he can still do that even if you get married. maybe not as easily considering the care he will feel for your kids.

it seems that maybe he is protecting his kids and himself. he may feel that you are trying to trap him. the kids of course are the most important factor and maybe he is being overprotective and tbh i can see why.

[amazonian]

That thought makes me so sad. If he is protecting his kids, does that mean I would not be protecting mine?
Or that I am not good enough? Or that he doesn't trust me? I wish I knew what he was really thinking.

I guess I would hope that I would be a wonderful influence for them. I love them as my own, and I know they love me. They actually talk to me more than they do their own mum (I am friendly with their mum and always try to encourage good family relationships - family is everything to me). I truly don't know why he would have any cause to be protecting his kids? ...
and I hate the thought of love being a trap - I would rather he did break up with me than ever think of being with me as a trap... I just don't know how I can be so madly in love with someone and that the thought of getting married could be seen as a trap or repugnant in any way?
Why would loving me be a trap? I just don't understand? I am feeling really rejected and wondering if I am just crazy to think that when a man really loves a woman, he would want to marry her and tell her that she is the love of his life? Why would he just shrug his shoulders and say "sorry" and let me go?

P.s I have been divorced for 12 years, he has been divorced for about 6? We made mistakes, but both of us have come from happy families where both sets of parents are still alive and happily married, our siblings on both sides are all happily married with children - we are the only divorcees. Both of us ended up divorcing our partners due to substance abuse, and neither of us abuses any substances or is violent or anything sinister....

Does this just mean he really doesn't love me the way I love him? Maybe I am just convenient company and he just loves me, is not in love with me... I feel so confused and even stupid at the moment. I really just don't get it.

[ecojeanne]

no i was suggesting that he may think that 'marriage' is a trap. and that moving in could make things much more difficult if you two were to break up in the future (it's understandable for him to have that concern since he has already experienced a break up and his kids have also). you say that you are sure that he loves you. when i say protecting i mean protecting the kids from a potential heartache if you two were to move in together and get married and then break up. thats what i reckon he is concerned about. that's the only protection i was referring to

[amazonian]

I think I get what you are saying. I suppose it is scary if you look at it like that. I guess that outlook may help me a little to understand "somewhat". I have just been assuming that I'm disposable for him. I'm grateful for your input - I'm really trying to understand and cope with all this. I'm crying all night and not sleeping so that I can try and be normal for the kids during the day. It's really taken a toll and its taking all I've got not to ring him and grovel. My kids don't even know yet - I don't want to tell them and have them see me cry, and how it's going to affect them as well. My eldest child has taken nearly 4 years to finally let and go and trust in him and HIS kids (last year she even wanted to give him a fathers day card, and did), and my youngest cries every time he leaves to go home as it is. Part of me wants to hate him as well at the moment, but I was the one who gave the ultimatum.... I needed to know though - I was getting obssessed with needing to know how he felt.

[Junket]

There is probably an imbalance of love going around.

Men have a tendency to fuel their actions with logic, while women, emotion. Doesn't sound like he's young and free enough to just "see what happens".

There is an imbalance there and you both recognized it, the smartest thing for him was to leave.

Plus as Eco said, marriage obviously isn't permanent either as proven by your and his divorce. It's not entirely your fault for wanting to attain it, as with most people you were probably raised to believe you date to marry to have children. It's literally beat into to our heads that that is the way to do things.

I think if you want to be with this man, you will have to sincerely change the way you think. (If possible).

[amazonian]

There is probably an imbalance of love going around.

Men have a tendency to fuel their actions with logic, while women, emotion. Doesn't sound like he's young and free enough to just "see what happens".

Sorry Frasbee, what did you mean about this comment? Did you mean he can't risk marriage because of his age and children?

I'm not sure I can change the way I think - I've been trying to, and I think I may be only fooling myself... I know a lot of people find marriage outdated these days (even my bf *shrug*), but my heart doesn't correspond to that - to me it's just ultimate expression of love and solidarity.
I'm not sour on marriage just because I have had a divorce, that's a bit like being sour on love just because you've had a breakup? But I can understand fear of making another mistake I guess.
Every time I reason out why marriage shouldn't matter, I just want to be with him no matter how it has to be, a little voice inside me says that if he loved me as much as I love him, he would just HAVE to propose and want to marry me. It slowly erodes my self esteem - why not, whats wrong with me, etc.
I guess I should be glad that he was man enough to admit his limitations and walk away, but I feel so GRIEVED. I'm even daydreaming that he is going to drive over here and whisk me away. Stupid cause he's not the type.
Does anyone here believe in marrying the person you love? Is it really that old fashioned and unrealistic? Do you all see it as a trap?
Sorry if I'm raving a bit - I'm trying to work through all this....