Planning a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend

[26mai]

Hello,
I’m in need for some advice about my relationship with my ex. Sorry for the long post
I’ve been with my ex-boyfriend for a very long time (almost 10 years) and we broke up almost 2 years ago. It was a mutual decision, because we used to fight a lot, so we were kind of prepared for the separation. Soon after this I started dating another person whom I’ve known for a while and who was pretty close to me. My ex started dating again a bit later. Now we are both in stable relationships for over a year.

This time away from him made me realize a lot of things that I didn’t know about myself and also helped me put our relationship in a different light. I’d been going through a mild depression before the breakup and many decisions about the breakup were made under the influence of bad mood, restlessness, and anger. Back then none of us knew about my depression. I haven’t told him yet either.

We’ve kept pretty close and even if we now live in different places, we write, chat, or skype every day, with few exceptions. We meet face to face pretty rarely though. I moved in with my actual boyfriend and he recently found the dream job close to his girlfriend.

A few times in the past year I tried to tell him that I would like to reconcile, but he kept telling me that he didn’t feel like it and that he wanted to focus on his carreer. I gave him this space and I tried to be a good friend every time I could.
However, my feelings for him have not disappeared and I find them as intense as before. My feelings for my actual boyfriend are not that deep, we are very good friends but we don’t click like a couple. I realized I love my ex and it’s him I want to be with for the rest of my life. We used to do amazing things together and we are both very active creatures.

I know little about his relationship, but I know he cares a lot about his actual girlfriend. That’s what he told me a year ago. He keeps visiting her and now, since he will move closer to her, they will have even more time together.

It’s hard for me to evaluate my chances realistically. A year ago he told me that he still loved me, while we were both seeing other people. However, he didn’t want to get back together. I stopped showing any romantic affection towards him because it only made me feel and look stupid, since he didn’t respond to it the same way.
Still, I want to clarify this in a way and have a final talk with him. I can’t remain in this state anymore – of ex-girlfriend turned best/good friend. I love him deeply, I want kids with him, I want to run a business with him, I want my life back.

So I am looking for some advice, but please, no stereotypes like “oh, you’re a woman, the man should take the first step”, etc.

How should I tell him all this? How should I frame it?

If things go wrong, I plan to cut any contact with him. I can’t live close to his life and yet so far. I don’t want to know when he proposes and when he gets married and has a happy and amazing life with someone else. It brings me to despair.

Is it a bad decision to tell him all this? Is it a bad decision to interrupt any contact with him if he rejects me? It’s too hazy for me to evaluate all of this.
Thank you! Any advice is much appreciated

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, I am not sure my advice is what you want to hear. In my personal opinion, you should never mess with a person's existing relationship. You don't know if they are blissfully happy or if they are on the verge of breaking up. You should never cause or even try to cause somebody to break up their relationship for you.

So, I think my personal advice would be that you do need to break all contact with him. Now, maybe others will disagree, but my personal advice would be to just be honest with him. Tell him that you still have feelings for him, but you understand he is in a relationship and you wouldn't do anything to come between them. However, you need to move on, and you cannot do that while still being close to him.

Or, heck, if you'd be too embarrassed and feel too vulnerable to be that honest, maybe just tell him that you are sorry, but you need to move on, and you think to be able to move on with somebody else, it would be best not to keep in touch with your ex.

Maybe in time he will become single, and maybe at the time you still will be as well. Then, maybe fate shall bring you two together. But, you should never try to force yourself to be the reason somebody ends their relationship. This guy is not the only guy in the world. You will find somebody else for whom you feel just as deeply, if not more. Maybe down the road he and the current girl won't work out, and you can revisit things then. But, don't allow yourself to be stuck in limbo waiting around for somebody who may never be available.

Others may disagree with me, I don't know. Maybe some will tell you that you should go for it. That is just my personal advice.

One thing is clear, though. Either way, I think you should definitely end things with your current boyfriend. He certainly doesn't deserve to be with somebody who secretly truly wants to be with somebody else. Just as you do, just as anybody would, he deserves somebody who gives them their full heart and devotion. That can't be you right now, and that doesn't make you wrong, but it would be wrong to string him along.

Good luck to you. I hope you wind up with the guy of your dreams very soon, whether that does wind up being your ex after all, or perhaps somebody you have yet to even meet.

[basilandthyme]

Jester nailed it