Long-term relationship. Need advice

[Lydia1984]

Hey everyone,

My husband and I are together since 2000, married since 2007. I moved far away from my family to be with him, left all my friends. In the beginning, I was happy, but I have grown a lot since that time. I was very unhealthy (overweight and other issues) when I met him. Today I am healthy (lost 70lbs), physically active most of the day and just desire to do things. My husband, however, is very unhealthy, obese, lost his job, and sits around the house most of the time. The love for him slowly but surely vanished. We hardly have anything in common anymore. I talked to him about this often. Last time I talked to him about this, I told him honestly how I feel. That I no longer feel love for him. Nothing more than friendship anyway. Since then, he is really trying his best, though I feel like it isn't good enough for me. He still drinks an awful lot (which he knows I hate) and isn't really actively looking for a new job. He is, however, losing a bit of weight and he takes care of the house while I am working. For him, it may seem like he is doing an awful lot. Not for me though... I talk to him about this a lot, and we always fight. I can't have a normal discussion with him, we always fight when I want to talk about serious things. He is wearing me out, I don't see us getting back to where we were. We just grew apart. If we wouldn't live so far away (if we'd break up, I wouldn't hesitate to move back to my original country, I miss my family so much!) I wouldn't have such a hard time with it. But I will miss him a lot I think. Does that mean that somewhere inside of me I still feel a deeper love for him? Even if - can I continue to live like this?

I would really love some advice from outsiders... Any help is greatly appreciated.
Lydia

[Lydia1984]

I should add to this that he was my first boyfriend, first love, first everything.... Boys never took interest in me and I felt special and loved when I first met my husband. First time somebody finally noticed me and took me seriously. He helped me getting out of the dark and into the light. But now... things are getting dark again. I don't feel noticed, he is taking me for granted.

[Wakeup]

Oh boy! Seems he helped you with your self esteem by accepting you as you were and that gave you the confidence to become fit and healthy because you learned to love yourself. He helped you to become the best you that you could be.

Maybe it's payback time? Maybe you need to help him with his self-worth now by encouraging him when he does things around the home, by being able to love him in his current "condition" but encouraging him and involving him in on your diet and exercise routine.

You seem to have lost the emotional connection you had when you felt you were in need of him. Now that you are confident enough to realize that you can live without him, you think you no longer love him.

Maybe marriage counceling will help you to emotionally re-connect. If he won't go, then I suggest you go on your own to try and figure out what it is you really want. Once you actually know, you'll be able to articulate it to your husband in a manner that he will actually listen to and you may see him make the necessary changes that will bring you both back to the happy state you were once able to maintain.

The one other bit of advice I will give you that I've picked up from your opening post is that you need to learn that you can only conrol yourself and trying to control him by nagging and complaining about him and his ways will do ABSOLUTELY nothing to motivate him to change. Work on your communication skills (there are several books and/or courses out there that will help you with this) and in knowing yourself better and you will know what to do.

If nothing else, you owe him the chance to redeem himself. If after effectively communicating to him how poor the emotional connection is between the two of you and he still does nothing to bridge the gap then you know you've done everything you could and your decisions will be easier to make.

Good luck.

[cheekxs]

Did you open this topic once already?

and this often happen when people lose weight.

I think only you can tell what you feel and have for this men.

We cant know that .

So its up to you . And if you knew he drinks from the start why are you complaining and acting now.
You knew it in the beginning so you had the choice to take it or leave it or something,

[Ely North]

If I were as miserable as you seem to be, I would leave. Of course you'll miss someone who you've been with for 12 years, but is it worth staying with him and being unhappy?