Am I being too trusting/should I break up?

[shkti2]

So the history of this story is that I was seeing a man 2 years ago. We were never able to have a stable relationship as I felt he had too many exes he was in touch with and wanted him to stop contact and he felt I was being too controlling. Though I never felt he would cheat on me I felt he had bad boundaries. We did not work out. It was a horrible break up.

Fast forward to 2 years later. He has had 3 serious girlfriends during this time and I have had a few flings, one serious relationships and have developed friendships with men. We reconnected and started dating 11/2 months ago. My ex has changed and his boundaries with his exes are a lot cleaner and I no longer really have any issues with any of his exes as they keep a respectable distance. But we both are in a messy situation.

Before starting to date him I had feelings/relations with a man who was also a close friend for 3 years. We hooked up but decided we were not compatible and have remained good friends. I still have feelings for the friends and have been struggling through them while dating my ex. My ex just revealed to me that his ex girlfriend contacted him two weeks ago and he is also struggling through some strong feelings for her. He wants to continue dating and says he sees a real future with me and loves me. But needs some closure around his feelings and needs to figure out why he picked up her call and talked to her and why he feels confused. They have not met. I do not want to date him while he and I are dealing with this so we are both now taking a break to sort through our indvidual feelings for our past loves.

Here is the dilemma. I feel due to my past sensitivites with exes and boundaries that this is a red flag. My first instinct is to breakup and never look back. Am I being too hard on him? He points out that as soon as contact was made and his feelings started to bother him he told me. He says he wants me to wait for him, be patient, and trust him while he sorts through all this as he will do the same for me while I sort through my feelings. He says he will come to me resolute and strong but needs some space to figure it out. I have asked that if we do work it out that he stop all contact with her, and ask her to stop all communication with him and if she continues to call and we are seriously comitted that he change his #. He has agreed to do all this. But I am feeling like he's just saying these things so I stick around and he has me in his back pocket while he takes his time trying to figure out if he wants to be with her or me. I would appreciate perspective and advice.

Thank you.

[psycho123]

Being too hard I think. You're dealing with the same situation, yet you put him to higher standards. It's only human to harbor feelings for the people you loved in the past. People get "over" them, but it can still be a little emotionally jarring, even if you've met the love of your life since your last breakup, to get an e-mail or phone call from the past person. Your memories and emotions are all connected, so when you hear the voice of someone you may have spent years *loving,* you remember that love (assuming the relationship ended peacefully). You just remember it, it doesn't mean you feel it renewed again. It doesn't mean he like absolutely omg loves her (otherwise he would be going after her without asking you to wait), it just means he once had strong feelings for someone else and is being reminded of those feelings and is confused by them. Neither of you are wrong to feel how you do. However, the perception of reality can be emotionally confusing, but what are you gonna do, that's just human nature.

The second thing I want to say is that positive relations with ex's should be a GOOD sign, it shows that your partner has some class. i.e. if he was a serial cheating, lying monster, it's likely NO ONE would keep in touch with him. It also means that he is rational and level-headed --- if the past relationships ended in rage where he said hurtful things, again, I doubt anyone would be keeping in contact with him. Unfortunately this can cause jealousy for the other person, which I totally understand. Rather than saying hell no to him keeping up friendly (but not too friendly) relations with his ex's, you'd be bettering yourself as a person if you learned to deal with the jealousy.

Third, you do realize that you found a guy who was honest enough with you to TELL you he was contacted by his ex, and then honest enough to tell you his true feelings? That's kind of a rarity. I've hidden the fact that I got an e-mail or two from an ex before from my current girlfriend, not because I'm doing anything shady (because I'm not), but because I know she is the extreme jealous type and would blow things way out of proportion. I kind of envy his complete openness, I wish I could be like that, and not fear my girlfriends reaction, lol.

And last, not related to your relationship itself, but beware of this girl being a psycho. i.e. having him change his number shouldn't be necessary. If she continues to call him even after he's said "don't call anymore," BE CAREFUL. My friend had this kind of scenario once, and when he totally just started ignoring that girl completely, she lost it and went to the police and said that he had like beaten her and whatnot. With less than zero evidence the police just laughed at her, but it was still a sticky situation nonetheless.