I know but I just need some support....

[Shattered]

My husband and I are making good progress in recovering from an affair I had with a work colleague. I love my husband and want to be with him. However I have been going through a bad patch the last few days when I keep thinking about this other man. I do not want to start the affair again, I do not want to leave my husband but I can't get teh man out of my head at the moment.

It is so stupid - it is more that I want him to still want me. He started seeing someone else as soon as our affair ended. She is not as attractive as me (as confirmed by friends) and whilst I think he cares about her, there are things he says/does which make me think his feelings for her are not as strong as how he used to feel about me. Others also think some of the things he says implies the relationship is not that serious.

I know it is selfish and shallow of me because it is all coming back to how could he choose her over me. So it is almost that I want him to realise he has made some big mistake. But as I said, I do not want to start things up again.

It is stupid, I know that. I know I want to be with my husband. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head so please knock some sense in to me!

[Indignant]

can't help you here...mind over matter...take a vacation with your hubby, do something exciting, go clubbing. anything new will take your mind off of the other man.

[bowtech]

I feel for ya! I'm going threw kinda the same thing. Yes it's hard to get someone out of your mind. The excitement you felt from the affair, try to put that to your husband. Do what you did with the other guy, see if that helps. Maybe thats what you and your husband are lacking.

[carl1222]

You said: "I know it is selfish and shallow of me because it is all coming back to how could he choose her over me. So it is almost that I want him to realise he has made some big mistake."

1) Maybe he chose her because he realized that your affair was a dead-end road.

2) He has already realized that he has made some big mistake ... and is trying to correct it by getting involved with someone who is actually available.

I find it hard to be sympathetic to your pain, but time, emotional distance and constructive distraction (such as working on your marriage) should make your feelings for your ex-lover fade.

Carl.

[Indignant]

1) Maybe he chose her because he realized that your affair was a dead-end road.

2) He has already realized that he has made some big mistake ... and is trying to correct it by getting involved with someone who is actually available.

Carl.

man, you make no sense whatsover.

[Gigabitch]

Here you go: YOU NEED TO QUIT YOUR JOB.

You have to completely cut contact with the person you had the affair with. Is your marriage more important than your job? Good. Prove it.

[Dasein]

Shattered..haven't we gone through this before...just as recap to a post I made about this before

He attaches to married women who are unavailable
When you become available he doesn't want you (he could easily dump this woman for you if he REALLY wanted you)
He has destroyed your marriage
He will probably destroy another marriage
He flirts outrageously with you at work when he is in a relationship while you broken hearted, are longing for him.

Btw you have talked about this woman being over weight and how he doesn't like over weight woman etc. Well that just shows what an ass he is. So what if you are more attractive? He is with her now and not you.

I really think you DON"T love your husband at all. You only started to work at things with your husband once you found out that this man had another woman. So you are settling for your husband which I think is so wrong.

Be fair to your husband and leave.

[Mish]

It is stupid, I know that. I know I want to be with my husband. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head so please knock some sense in to me!

Most likely because you don't want to get these thoughts out of your head. What active steps are you taking to really forget him? Even though you say you want to be with your husband it's very hard to believe you since you are still emotionally with your co-worker. If you want a solution to this you really need a drastic measure. Either forget about your co-worker and anything to do with him or seperate from your huband. Unfortunately that's what it comes down to.

[Shattered]

Thank you for the feedback.

The funny thing is I had not seen the other man for a few days but saw him today at work and just thought what is all the fuss about. I deserve better than him and have better than him with my husband. It is almost like I forget how much of a ***** he is and how much he uses/abuses people. Saw him today, remembered that and know I am so much better off without him in my life.

I am not settling for my husband at all. He is the most amazing man and I really do love him. He is the man I want to spend my life with. I know that in posts months ago, I talked of wanting to be with the other man but I do not feel that way at all now. I panicked when things were spiralling out of control and know that I said a lot of things at that time which were just moments of "madness".

I am looking for another job. It ****** me off that I have to come to work and see him there especially as I know he is not looking for a job. But moving jobs is part of what I must do to save my marriage and I totally accept that. It just frustrates me that every now and then thoughts about this man get into my head. It interferes with recovery and annoys me. I am distancing myself from him and trying to keep work purely work but I also have to maintain a reasonable working relationship and ensure the atmosphere at work is OK for other colleagues. He still makes flirtatious remarks now and then - totally out of order when he knows this has been hard for me but that is part of his game. However I am much better at ignoring and not responding to them. I will get this sad little man out of my life.

[Dasein]

Shattered it does stink that you have to be the one to move jobs but I think you will glad once you are free from his presence.

If you need any help trying to get over this man just write a list (put a password on the document) with all of his bad qualities..we have named a tonne on here. It will help you use your head a bit more than your heart. Also write a list for your hubby of good qualities.

Have you considered going away on holiday with your hubby to try and rekindle your relationship?

[IndiReloaded]

So you are settling for your husband which I think is so wrong.

This sounds about right to me. At the very least, you don't appreciate him.

I am not settling for my husband at all. He is the most amazing man and I really do love him. He is the man I want to spend my life with. I know that in posts months ago, I talked of wanting to be with the other man but I do not feel that way at all now.

Well, if this is so, then you shouldn't be wasting any mental energy on this other, homewrecking loser. Aren't you just a bit ticked at the havoc this guy has helped you wreak upon your marriage?

Finding a new job so you can completely break from this other guy sounds about right to me.

Shattered it does stink that you have to be the one to move jobs but I think you will glad once you are free from his presence.

If you care about your marriage you will do what it takes. A job is nothing in comparison to your peace of mind.

Have you considered going away on holiday with your hubby to try and rekindle your relationship?

This is excellent advice. I would follow it. Have lots of sexy time with your husband and MAKE AN EFFORT. I'm almost certain the long-suffering guy deserves it.