Operation: "Get the Ex-GF Back"

[DutchYankee112]

Greetings.
They say "all is fair in love and war", well i need some advice on how to conquer my ex-gf's heart again.

What happened?
My girlfriend and i were in a relationship for just over 1 year when i found out she lied about something halfway into the relationship. The lie itself only upset me for a few hours and i forgave her. But she has been completely unable to forgive herself and feels she is unable to be my girlfriend. So she called for a break in our relationship. (See "Describe your Ex-Girlfriend" section to understand why.)

What did she lie about?
We met online before we started dating, she didnt have a picture of herself but didnt want to risk me losing interest. Her friend sent me a picture of a very similiar looking girl and passed it off as being my ex-gf. The difference was very hard to see and my ex-gf rolled with the story her friend had cooked up. A few weeks ago my friend found a high quality version of the same picture and the differences were easy to see. My girlfriend was too scared to tell me the truth but now that i know about it she can no longer pretend to herself it didnt happen. She feels angry at herself, embarrassed and extremely guilty.

How bad is the lie to you?
Not bad, i was a bit upset and angry about it for a few hours but i easily got over that and calmy confronted her about it with the full intention of just making up and doing something fun together afterwards. But to her, what she did is equivilant to cheating on me with another guy. THAT is how badly she reacts to lies.

What is the situation now?
Well, as a result of the lie, my girlfriend is now terrified of hurting me again in the future. She has asked me to just remain friends and look after her while she copes with the guilt and shock.
I was sadly unable to talk her out of wanting a break and so i agreed with her request. She promised she was not going to date or get intimate with other people. She did not demand such a promise in return.

How does your ex-gf feel about you and a relationship?
Her feelings for me are still fully there, and before i found out about the lie she was extremely happy being in a relationship with me and we talked about wanting to live together soon. She still wants to have a relationship with me, she merely feels her guilt and fear are blocking it from being possible.
She has no idea about our chances of getting back together, she currently seems to lack confidence in herself or she doesnt want to give me false hope.

Could you describe your Ex-Girlfriend?
In order to figure out the best way to regain her, a couple of character traits of her are important to know. "Know thy ex" as Tsun Tzu once said.

- She is 20 years of age, and had half a dozen relationships before me. Yet she never was as serious about a relationship as with ours.

- She has had an abuse past filled with lies and hurt. This caused her to associate ANY lie with pain and shame. She is currently recieving therapy to overcome her issues.

- She never, ever, lied to a boyfriend before. That she did this greatly shocked her and her believes in herself are broken, she feels she is now capable of anything bad she once thought she wouldnt, such as cheating, physical hurt, etc.

- She really is convinced she is protecting me from harm by breaking up with me.

- Early next week she will talk to her therapist about what happened. This will be the first time she talks to someone other then me about this.

- She can get jealous easily. Infact, earlier this week she saw me hugging another girl and she was obviously very uncomfortable with it, later she told me she felt jealous.

What does your ex-gf want from you?
It seems she wants me to keep giving her love, affection and even intimacy in the form of 'meaningless sex' during this break. She wants to sit on my lap, cuddle with me, go out and do things together, etc. She does not want to kiss or be 'touchy feely' unless we are having sex.

She sounds very high maintenance, are you sure you want her back?
Without a doubt, yes, i do want her back as my girlfriend.

How do you think you can get her back?
Well that is why i made this long post. Id like comments and advice, there are two ways i can go about doing this i think.

Act as normally as possible and be there for her.
I pretty much have been doing this the past 2 weeks. Being there for her when she needs me, talking to her and trying to help her feel better. And giving her the attention, affection and intimacy she wants from me. I thought that by acting as normally as possible she might see little changed by her little mistake, however, as i am beginning to understand just how deep her guilt and fear of hurting me again runs, i think i might have to give her what she says she wants but probably didnt expect.

She wants me to be just friends? Ill treat her as 'just a friend'.
Maybe im making things too easy on her, not being in a relationship yet still satisfying her needs when she has them. The way i treated her the past two weeks while we were on a break was much closer to how i treated her while i was her boyfriend, then during the first month in which i met her and i was just a friend to her.
So maybe i should not give her more attention then i give to my regular female friends, no more affection other then a little friendly hug if we havent seen each other for a while, no more sex, no flirting, no sweet talking. Maybe if she realises what being just friends really means she will start missing the 'perks' of being my girlfriend. Of course i wont be a jerk to her, i will still have friendly chats and try to make her laugh, the same way i do with my female friends.

[irrelevant_89]

This is a really tough situation - your girl is going through some pretty serious psychological problems, having lost all confidence in herself. (I'm starting to notice self-esteem is a very rare commodity these days... :S)

I think she needs all the reassurance she can get. I'd say be as close, loving and caring as you can be without her pushing you away, so option 1 in your list. I think that if you went with option 2 she might feel that she was losing you and make matters even worse. She doesn't want to lose you, but she's afraid she doesn't deserve you.. gotta show her she does.

[shheadz]

Are you sure she's not using this whole lie thing as a good excuse to break up, or date casually? I know you think she's "special" because of her past problems, but... a 20 year old girl is a 20 year old girl. This is the kind of stuff they do.

[irrelevant_89]

^ :/

Why do we always have to assume they are lying, or making excuses, etc. Is everyone on this planet that damn deceiptful?

I'm 20 too, and I wouldn't lie about this kind of thing... in fact being too honest and exposing myself to my non-girl too early might have killed whatever little chances I had with her in the beginning. I'm really beginning to hate humanity.

[lahnnabell]

Wait... So you DO see each other in person now, right? So she sent you a picture BEFORE you met in person? And based on the quality of the picture you couldn't see a difference between the picture and her real self? Am I right so far?

I don't see the gigantic problem here. If you two have been seeing one another in person and you have not had a problem with her looks since the time you met her... then, what's the problem? The lying?

[shheadz]

Why do we always have to assume they are lying, or making excuses, etc. Is everyone on this planet that damn deceiptful?

I'm only being realistic. If you remove the "I lied about my picture" from this whole story, then it sounds like a young girl not wanting to be bogged down in a relationship right now. I don't understand how she can be so damn ashamed of herself for what she's done, yet still want to hang out with him, and have casual sex.

[lahnnabell]

Agreed with shheadz. Why on earth is she asking for you to be a couple, but without the proper label? Immature people tend to think that because their is no label or title on a relationship that cheating becomes permissible. Technically that is true... But basically your situation is you sit her down and explain what you want. If it doesn't match up with what she wants, then you break it off.

[LoveHurts09]

well ur post was good and u have 2 good options already so i just have a few questions, -how long are u prepared to wait for her?
-u said she didnt say anything about u having other relationships, how r u going to explain her to any1 else? to me u dont seem to have a choice in that matter, its not going to happen unless u kill all hope with her.
-why do u care about the label?

in the end ur clearly more then friends and ur willing to support her with her issues, seems best to just wait a bit more and keep trying, time is the best healer, yes she has issues but u know that and have to accept that not everything will be 'normal'.