Confront him or not?

[AnneElliot]

Hello gentleman,
I'm a 40-ish female. I have a boyfriend who I know has physically cheated on me once but it was before we got really serious. He doesn't know I know. I've given him the chance to fess up about having sex with this person saying it's okay, I'd rather he be honest, I was going through a divorce so I understand, yadda yadda. He sat across from me and lied to my face that he never had sex with this person. He is currently having online sex and exchanging nude photos with an ex-girlfriend (thank goodness she lives in Germany) but he does this with many other women as well. I did find this all out through rather clever means and he doesn't know I know. We've talked about moving in together, maybe even getting married. I don't know if I should confront him because 1) I love him and 2) he would get angry about my invading his privacy. I've been tempted to email the ex-girlfriend, who is now in an unsatisfactory marriage, and say back off--if it was easy for me to find out, imagine how easy it would be for your hubby, who is a computer specialist, to find out--not to mention, I'd be awfully tempted to to send him the nude photo and all the other evidence myself. I'm just hurt. He's a terrific guy in every other way except his obsession with sex with different woman, which takes attention away from me. I need advice.

[afterhourz]

Hard one for me, i'd say.

Ignorance is bliss right? I personally wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone, knowing that they have cheated on me. However, I am not like everyone. If it is possible to love someone under the circumstances that you have listen, and you are willing to stay attached to this man, then why not?

Personally, I would atleast confront him about it, and basically let him know that you know. But that's just me. Do as you wish really... but I would recommend assessing your current situation and see if it really is worth it. Being 40+, it must definitely be difficult, as you may feel reluctant to simply break up with him for it, and lose companionship, and possibly financial security, fearing that at your current age, you are too old or may have missed the boat. But I assure you... love comes in many sizes, sorts, and even ages.

So I guess... just do what you feel is right?

Hope I could help... unfortunately not a lot of experience in this area.

[vashti]

???

Are things really so rough out there that you are willing to settle for this? (This is a serious question, BTW. I am not trying to be sarcastic.)

[Bumble_bee]

it's not clever to know how to get to his dirty little secrets, when at the same time you are willing and even considering staying with him despite them....

[AnneElliot]

Well, I will admit, there are different kinds of smarts And yes, I am seriously considering dumping him but the heart wants what it wants despite our heads and he's great in every other way. But even if I do dump him, he's going to want to know why, isn't he? I guess what I'm asking is, 1) is he justified in being pissed at me for invading his privacy in order to find out the truth (i.e., should I even confront him in the first place) and 2) should I contact this other woman and let her know (for her own good as well--hubby is bound to find out and there's a young child at stake) that I know all about it and maybe she should get a marriage therapist instead of skyping with my boyfriend late at night.

[vashti]

That other woman isn't your problem - your boyfriend is. Leave her out of it.

Personally, I wouldn't care if he was offended at the invasion of privacy.

[AnneElliot]

Ignorance isn't really bliss when I know this man has a terrible track record of infidelity I am seriously considering dumping him but the heart wants what it wants despite our heads and he's great in every other way. But even if I do dump him, he's going to want to know why, isn't he? I guess what I'm asking is, 1) is he justified in being pissed at me for invading his privacy in order to find out the truth (i.e., should I even confront him in the first place) and 2) should I contact this other woman and let her know (for her own good as well--hubby is bound to find out and there's a young child at stake) that I know all about it and maybe she should get a marriage therapist instead of skyping with my boyfriend late at night.

I don't want to come off as a psycho but when I suspected that I was being lied to way back when, I started monitoring him (I'm good at computers). And the only reason I never confronted him was because of HOW I found this stuff out. But I'm tired of keeping everything bottled up inside and I've reached the point where I am almost ready to risk what was otherwise a great relationship ending in order to have some honesty. I mean--I really just want him to be a better person for his own sake as well.

[Gigabitch]

You don't have to tell him why you want to dump his ass. Just do it. Your relationship isn't "otherwise great", it's built on a lie, which makes the whole thing a great big steaming pile of bullshit.

Be done with it.

[Kayla]

Personally, I wouldn't care if he was offended at the invasion of privacy.

True! I was thinking the same thing- it doesnt matter HOW you know because the fact is that you know.

You have every right to be mad at him. you looking on his computer is totally irrelevant to the bigger issue- which is he is unfaithful and a liar.

do not move in with this man. do not marry this man. it will only hurt worse later on if you continue with him.

[Heratriumphant]

Mods forgive me if this is verbotten!

AnneElliot, go check out [url]www.survivinginfidelity.com[/url], there are some really smart people there who have either been through it or are going through it right now.

I know a couple of people who consider that site a real life saver.

[Primo]

This OP must be writing a thesis or something. Are there really normal women out there who are in a situation so horribly wrong as this and don't know what to do? :-P Damn...

[AnneElliot]

Heratriumphant, thanks for the link. I'll check it out. And no, I'm not writing a thesis although I will admit to being an anthropology grad student--but my field is archaeology. No, I'm just someone who loves this guy so much. I can't explain it, but he's wonderful in every other way EXCEPT this. I don't think he's even all that into the women, he just has a wonky sense of low self-esteem that leads him to need to be loved and desired by everyone he meets. I think it's a combination of the excitement of doing something forbidden and wanting people to want him so badly because he has serious issues stemming from the fact that he was adopted. It's almost pathological. Frankly, it's more my pride that's hurt than anything else--that he needs to do this so badly he would risk what he told his mother is the most adult, caring relationship he's ever been in. WTF?! I've told him before that I'm up for bringing other people into our "activities" to spice things up. Just INVOLVE me, don't do it behind my back. I'm angry and hurt. And misery loves company which is why I'm so tempted to email this women and tell her I know EVERYTHING and it's not so fun and sexy now when you know someone has been devastated by your dirty little secret, huh? I mean, I've no doubt this woman will freak out and stop dallying with him if I tell her this because she's deathly afraid of hubby finding out. But then it's just a matter of time until the next "thing" comes along.

[Primo]

He cheated on you, lied to your face, is having a cyber affair with his ex who's married and has extremely low self-esteem. Now you're telling him you'll bring other women home for him to fu*k while you watch if that'll help.

What's the wonderful part Anne?

[AnneElliot]

Primo, you have a unique talent for getting right to the point! I could enumerate all the things I love about him. He's an incredibly well-liked guy, and for good reason. But this is something he keeps very well hidden from people and I'm just getting to the point where the scales are tipping and the benefits no longer outweigh the cost to my psyche.

Yes, I should confront him. If he's pissed, so be it. If my ending it makes him sincerely try to change, fine. But I'm not interested in hearing from him until he starts acting like a real man and not some hormone-addled teenager drunk on forbidden fruit.

I still haven't figured out if I should email this woman though. There are good reasons for and against, but I can't seem to decide what the right thing to do is. I mean, she's got a 3-year-old son. Isn't it better to see a marriage counselor and put your emotional and physical energy into SAVING YOUR FAMILY instead of having long-distance sex chats and sending nude photos to your ex-boyfriend? Who knows, maybe she'll appreciate it and feel like she dodged a bullet (both by getting dumped by my BF who is a liar and a cheat, and by being warned before her husband can find out on his own).

But I won't deny that the main reason for doing it would be that it would just make me feel a hell of a lot better.

[IndiReloaded]

Can you actually bring yourself to have sex with a guy who would lie to you like this? Who knows what else he lies about. Or brings home with him you don't really want to catch.

Vash, Giga and Primo have called this. Dump him already and feel free to stick around here and vent.

Leave the other woman out of it. She's cheating on her husband. She'll get hers too, karma is a bitch. Look after YOU and just run from the drama asap.