I can't choose!

[mosi]

And it's driving me insane.

"R" is my current boyfriend, although we're on the rocks, he's what I'd want to settle with in the long run. He makes sure I'm happy, he's more honest than anyone I've ever met, he's helping me out with school in every possible way he can, and we never argue. Our communication is impeccable. If we have issues, we address them right then and there and it's done. He really tries to make me happy as often as he can, since I have always though I deserved the best, I like to be treated like a princess lol. I feel so comfortable with him, to the point where we can fart around each other and joke around, and he's the most patient person ever. The negatives are though that he's definitely not attractive. He's more overweight than ever before, and well, he can't please me sexually anymore. Another issue is that he lives with his brother and a friend, and has no car, and is the farthest thing from romantic. He's 33.

"S" is the "other" guy, who represents both emotional and physical passion. Our communication skills aren't the best, and we argue a lot more than we should. I don't feel as comfortable with him though. I know he cares for me and he has never given up on trying to catch me. He's EXTREMELY romantic and passionate. Always pays attention to detail. Another thing is that he has the coolest job in the world, which is working with bands and at venues. Because of him I've been able to meet and hang out with all my favorite bands, including Trent Reznor and Depeche Mode. He also lives by himself in a nice place, loves cats, and has his own car. He's also 33.

So what the hell do I do? I basically have until tonight to make up my mind. "R" is also helping me with school, and I know without him I will fail two classes, but I don't want to factor that in as much as I feel like it's vital for me at the moment.

I feel like the relationship I have with "R" now is very safe and comforting, and he's SUCH an amazing person, that thinking about hurting him makes me feel devastated, but if I no longer find him attractive, how can it ever work? Telling someone they're fat and that you don't feel even the slightest thing during sex won't help anything.

I know "S" is more attraction than anything, and I know it would take three times more work to make the relationship last, but in some way, I feel like it might be worth it.

"R" knows I have feelings for "S" and doesn't want to give up and let me go.

What the hell do I do?

[Mish]

I can't choose!

I think this is false^. You have already chosen. You choice was to be with your bf. If you want to have freedom to choose again, then you should break up with your bf and then you can honestly and truthfully say that you are having a problem choosing.

If you want an honest advice, I think you should break up with R and try with S. You relationship with S with most likely not work out, but you will only be able to learn this the hard way.

[mosi]

Do you think my relationship with boyfriend is doomed if I decide to give it another shot? Even if S wasn't in the picture, I have no idea how I can regain physical attraction.

[Mish]

Do you think my relationship with boyfriend is doomed if I decide to give it another shot? Even if S wasn't in the picture, I have no idea how I can regain physical attraction.

That's a hard question to answer. And S definitely will have to be not in the picture for any progress.

You will pretty much have to have a talk with your partner and politely outline the things which are bothering you (without being accusing). It's possible that as an outcome of this conversation there will be a list of targets. Maybe he will become more health conscious and try to lose some weight. Maybe he will start saving money for the car and to move out. Maybe you can tell him how to please you sexually. Though all of the above will take time and you will have to make sure working with him on this is what you are dedicated to (not to other things in between like S).

[carl1222]

On paper, R should be the better choice for long (or even medium) term happiness, but I have great respect for the importance and necessity of physical attraction and sexual chemistry in a relationship.

If you stay with R, you will always feel that something is missing, and it will drive you to cheat. Although you have not come right out and said it, I assume you are already cheating on R with S.

If you go with S, it will be all passion and excitement but little else. I also have great respect for the importance and necessity of compatablility and commitment in a relationship.

Taken together, R and S make ONE good boyfriend but individually, neither of them is what you need. I think you should let both of them go, and find ONE man who can give you all those qualities.

Carl.

ps ... if you leave R, you will very quickly see the deficiencies in your relationship with S.

[mosi]

Thank you to both of you. Based on the advice, I will leave both since it's not fair to either of them.

[Mish]

I would recommend to try working on your relationship with R first, if just for a peace of mind that you've tried everything. In most relationships you will lose physical attraction for your partner at certain stage and at some point you will need to learn how to live with it.

But the other is also a viable alternative.

[lesa]

Thank you to both of you. Based on the advice, I will leave both since it's not fair to either of them.

Was it that easy?

[lesa]

In most relationships you will lose physical attraction for your partner at certain stage and at some point you will need to learn how to live with it.

I believe some type of attraction should remain for the life of the relationship. Without attraction the relationship would be a sad one.

[Mish]

I believe some type of attraction should remain for the life of the relationship. Without attraction the relationship would be a sad one.

Some type, but not the physical type. It's hard to maintain a physical attraction for a lifetime of a relationship to something that looks like a lump fish with prune skin (which is where everybody ends up being)

What remains is deep love and emotional attachment. Similar to the one you feel for you parents.

[carl1222]

Was it that easy?

Yes, unfortunately, it was.

[carl1222]

Some type, but not the physical type. It's hard to maintain a physical attraction for a lifetime of a relationship to something that looks like a lump fish with prune skin (which is where everybody ends up being)

What remains is deep love and emotional attachment. Similar to the one you feel for you parents.

I agree Mishanya, but the relative importance of physical attraction changes over time. OP didn't say how old she is, but I'm assuming late 20s, early 30s where sexual attraction is still very important. If she were in her 40s, the answer would probably be clear ... stay with R, pot belly, wrinkles and all.

Carl.

[mosi]

The decision isn't easy, it's far from it honestly lol, but knowing I will be more at peace in SOME way sort of helps. I haven't been able to sleep for weeks because of this mess I put myself in.

I know "R" wants to try to work things out, but I know in some way that I will always have "S" in the back of my mind until I attempt a relationship and he will resent me for this. I also know that we are in two different stages in life, and as much as I adore him and think he's ideal, I am not in a position to tell him to buy rogaine and go to the gym. If I can't accept him for who he is entirely like he does with me, it's just down right not fair.

When I put myself in their shoes, I know I would never be able to truly forgive and forget if they did the same thing to me.

[carl1222]

The decision isn't easy, it's far from it honestly lol, but knowing I will be more at peace in SOME way sort of helps. I haven't been able to sleep for weeks because of this mess I put myself in.

I know "R" wants to try to work things out, but I know in some way that I will always have "S" in the back of my mind until I attempt a relationship and he will resent me for this. I also know that we are in two different stages in life, and as much as I adore him and think he's ideal, I am not in a position to tell him to buy rogaine and go to the gym. If I can't accept him for who he is entirely like he does with me, it's just down right not fair.

When I put myself in their shoes, I know I would never be able to truly forgive and forget if they did the same thing to me.

Whoe ... back up a second, Mosi (see bold) ... are you much younger???

Carl.

[mosi]

Yeah, a bunch. I'm still in college basically. (I've always hung out with an older crowd, and they have never thought my maturity level was an issue, so I don't care to discuss that). I do know though that I feel like he's trying to stay young, but at the same time still wants to get married soon.

I know the physical attraction eventually goes away, but when you start a relationship, that's one of the first things that I look for. I just somehow lost my attraction to him in a matter of weeks.