I'm so confused- and it's unfair to my wife- lost love?

[confusedone]

I am very nervous even saying any of this. However, I'm completely lost at this point. Normally, I would call my best friend and tell him my situation and my hurt. But he is in jail now(very tragic, details left out on purpose) and that isn't an option.

Also, forgive me, but this will likely be quite long so I can really vent the feelings out. I really have nobody to share it with at this time. So here it is.

I married my wife fairly quickly. It wasn't planned that way. We were dating for four months before getting engaged. However, this also wasn't planned. We were talking one day at lunch with her parents and had mentioned the possibility of marriage down the road. It sounded all exciting and we pretty much went with it.

I was moving to another city to pursue career goals. However, this wasn't ideal since I would either have to be away from my girlfriend(weren't engaged when this decision was made), or take her with me. That didn't sit well with her parents, as "shacking up" just wasn't going to be allowed. And that was fine with me because I agreed with it.

So her parents suggested we get married a full year earlier than originally would have been planned. This put the wedding right on our one year dating anniversary. Well, we figured if her parents were for this, it MUST be right! So we made that plan, and THEN got engaged quickly since we were already behind the game with the upcoming marriage.

So we got married, moved to our current city, and all was fine. Families liked each other, going to church, people thinking we are the sweetest couple, etc.

It's three years later now. And for the past couple of years, I've constantly doubted. It's stronger at times, but in general I've always had this feeling that it's not quite right. I'm not really attracted to my wife, and she is NOTHING like the kind of girl I ever thought I would marry. As a matter of fact, outside of living in this city, not much is anything like I would have liked. She isn't the goofy, playful girl that could keep up with my goofy, witty self. She's much more serious, more refined, etc.

She's a good wife, that's a given. But outside of sex, we have no connection. I don't look forward to seeing her like I should. I don't really miss her when she's gone. And we annoy each other more than anything.

We say "I Love You" all the time. However, on my side, I don't feel it really. I pretty much say it to make her feel good. I mean, I believe I love her, but I'm just not IN LOVE with her(yeah, quite a common cliche). I haven't gotten those butterflies inside for the entire time we've been married. Shouldn't I feel that? We haven't been married for long enough to stop feeling that, have we? Of course, it's been since our dating months that I have felt it. And now, I'm almost just going through the motions and the words are just there out of obligation on my end. I believe she really means them. Many of my other common actions that some may find romantic are also just "motions" so it doesn't give her the impression that I've fallen away. Plus, I do care for her and we're great friends. So no doubt that some of it is out of care, but not true love.

I've been in love before, and went through two long relationships before I met my wife. In both cases, it wasn't like this. It was more exciting, and to me more real than what I'm feeling now. Am I just delusional about all this?

Her family has moved into town(I know, YAY!) and settled here. They love me genuinely. My wife loves me genuinely. But I'm quite detached from her, and not by my own purposeful choice. I'm a romantic guy, and I love flattering girls. But I feel no desire to do that, and never really did go too far with this in this relationship.

I feel this is all extremely unfair to my wife. I am not a bad guy, and I do want her to be happy and have the best. I will do many things for her to make her life easier(and she even tells others about it!), but I'm just not happy inside. I haven't been for a while. I miss that feeling you get from being all nervous and excited at the same time. I got that from previous relationships, but not this one.

I have found myself really looking at other girls. No, I wouldn't cheat on my wife. But I see so many qualities in everyone else that I can't find in my wife, and things that are lacking. When I see other couples, I see happiness that I currently don't feel, and in some cases, never felt. Other young couples even seem excited about one another. I don't feel that way.

Did I settle down too soon? I'm now 28 years old, but did I just take it because it was dangled in front of me? Or do you think there was a strong purpose behind this? What do I do?

I don't want to be unfair to her, or hurt her. But I don't want to wait until we have kids or have gotten older together for us to realize what is wrong and have no way to go back. And I don't want to say anything to her about it because for all she knows, things are fine. Except for the every-so-often occasion that I tell her stuff I'm unhappy about. I don't want to make things miserable between us for years and years because I didn't address this now. I don't want to have her suffer.

I appreciate any advice. I'm broken hearted inside over this, and hurt every single day inside because I don't know what the best course of action is. I'm confused.

Thanks.

Brent

[vashti]

You ask, "I haven't gotten those butterflies inside for the entire time we've been married. Shouldn't I feel that?" In short, after four years, the answer is "no". Those "butterflies" are caused by a chemical reaction, and only last for the first year or two.

I am not sure if you are just an immature romance junkie, or if this really isn't the woman for you. In either case, you need to be REALLY sure you don't get your wife pregnant until this issue is resolved.

I suggest you get some counseling.

BTW - I doubt that in her core, your wife believes you when you tell her you love her. Hollowness of words is easily detected.

[Gigabitch]

Brent, your romantic ideal is just a fantasy, and more than being unfair to your wife, it's unfair to YOU.

You are cutting yourself off from a whole world of possibility, here. It sounds to me like you have an ideal environment already existing in which to create and support the kind of marriage most people only hope to have. Conditions are very favorable.

What needs to happen is for you to put down those Harlequin romance novels, or whatever is giving you these ridiculous ideas about how things "should" be, and start making a personal investment in your own life. You're emotionally isolated, and it doesn't have to be this way.

Of course, you will always be able to find attractive qualities in others. We live in a big world and it's thickly populated with people. You're fooling yourself if you think they're all effortlessly happy, though. You probably look pretty blissful at times, yourself.

Didn't anyone tell you that marriage is work? Well, it is. You don't sound like a lazy guy, Brent, so get off your ass and start putting some effort into the thing before you **** it up.

[LostNotFound]

why don't you talk to your wife? maybe you just need to re-ignite some lost spark.

i think the novelty wore off.

[confusedone]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I hope ya'll don't think that I'm looking to get out of my vows or anything. I am very strongly against divorce. Both my parents and her parents got divorced. Hers, of course, got remarried to each other and it's better than ever.

Also, my wife IS a very good wife. I know that there are many things that I would be giving up. I just don't want to be unfair with her. And I haven't talked to her because I don't want to hurt her prematurely if it's something that is just in my own brain.

Well, I don't read romance novels(I know, it was just an example) and I don't fall for movie romance stuff(although my wife does sometimes!). And I know that marriage is work. So all of that is completely clear. But I've been in love before with a couple of very long relationships, and I find myself missing those relationships because of how excited and happy I was inside for most of them.

I guess I just needed to vent a bit. Usually it's good to have the opportunity to let it out. And like I said, with the tragic situation with my friend, who was also my best man and I've known for years, it kind of took my "venting post" away.

So I don't want out, I just want to know the best way to become the husband that I should be. I wrote all this because I think SHE deserves it. And I do think she believes me when I say I love her. That's because I do. I just have never had the same "butterflies" inside that usually come with falling in love with somebody.

Divorce isn't an option. Cheating isn't an option. But figuring out what is making me feel this way is. So maybe I just need counseling. We do go to church together every week, and even have friends there. Maybe I'll start with our assistant pastor. And maybe I'll look into depression medicine. I've been on it before in my life and it was what I needed to straighten out my thinking.

Again, I appreciate the help. I do actually love my wife and her family, and just want to do what's right, not what's easy.

Brent

[Gigabitch]

Hmmm. Well, maybe it's the whole concept of "forever". I mean, forever is a really long time. Forever is a lot of pressure, and pressure is not conducive to the butterflies. Neither is familiarity, which you've definitely got.

It's not a death sentence, though. It's just the start of a whole new kind of romance.

Indi, where's that great link you posted about marriage once?

[IndiReloaded]

Hmmm. Well, maybe it's the whole concept of "forever". I mean, forever is a really long time. Forever is a lot of pressure, and pressure is not conducive to the butterflies. Neither is familiarity, which you've definitely got.

It's not a death sentence, though. It's just the start of a whole new kind of romance.

Indi, where's that great link you posted about marriage once?

Err, which one? The book excerpt? Or the one for that other guy thinking about cheating on his wife? It may be lost to the digital void...

[Mish]

Also, my wife IS a very good wife. I know that there are many things that I would be giving up. I just don't want to be unfair with her. And I haven't talked to her because I don't want to hurt her prematurely if it's something that is just in my own brain.

If that's all there is to it, then I have an easy solution for you. If you don't want to be unfair to your wife, then don't be. Everytime you think you are unfair, makeup for it with something nice for her. Be the change you would like to become. If she deserves it, then become the husband that you should be. The onus is on you.

What's the problem? You're saying your wife is good, but why are you hesitating? You don't find her attractive? You don't find that the two of you communicate well? What's really bothering you? Details please?

[confusedone]

I guess I should clarify that, sorry.

Yes, she's a good wife. In other words, SHE is all in it as far as I can see, with no hesitations. She loves me for me and supports me the best she can.

But the problem isn't just an attraction thing, although that is part of it. It's also just that I don't feel happy around her. Not that I'm angry or anything. I just don't feel excited or the desire to be romantic or whatever. And since we got married, it's pretty much been that way.

In the past, when I loved somebody, it was in me every day to surprise them, flatter them, be with them, etc. Even after three years of being together. But that's not the case here. Much of the time it's just like we're roommates, and rarely is there romance.

I know that most of the things needed can be given by me. However, if I'm doing it just to do them(going through the motions), and not really wanting to, is that unfair to her? Do I just fake it forever? I don't think so. Which is why I'm asking all of this.

Can you fall in love with somebody that really was never "your type" in the first place, when you don't even really know that you were ever fully in love with them?

Sorry if it's not very clear. I can answer specific questions if needed, and I do greatly appreciate all the advice. I'm not trying to weasel out of anything. I just don't want to fight a losing battle.

So basically, I'll boil it down to this: is it worth living this way for the rest of our lives if I don't know where to find the feelings that SHOULD accompany a marriage? Do I just settle for "good enough", knowing that she may be happy along the way? Or do I let myself be miserable about it possibly for a long time?

I just want to do what is right, and not "force" love if that's not the right way. Heck, I don't even know that you CAN force love.

Brent

[vashti]

I think you are very much mistaken about what the feelings of a marriage "should be". You definitely have a problem with idealization. Marriages have peaks, valleys and plateaus. "Good enough" is as good as it gets from time to time.

[IndiReloaded]

I think Giga may have meant this (long, but a good read):

I have never met a man who didn’t want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn’t fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other’s presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other’s foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the others habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side.

This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other’s laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each others company over the long term.

If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new.

Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again.

If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can’t accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance does not become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe.

Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.

If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.

But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousness come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom…endlessly.

- from Kent Nerburn's "Letters to my Son"

[Mish]

I enjoyed reading that, thanks Indi

What do you think should do the ones who had made a poor choice in marriage?

[xmoongirlx]

Indi I'm speechless, that was fascinating!

[Gigabitch]

What do you think should do the ones who had made a poor choice in marriage?

I know you asked Indi, but I'm butting in, here:

I think you have to give it your best shot. As long as both people are still willing to try, you have a chance. I believe that people who are not madly in love have as good a chance as people who are if they both fully committed. Being crazy in love with someone can pull you through some hard times, but so can an act of sheer will.

I've seen people who would die for each other make each other want to.

I've seen people who were just simply sick of each other power through it and keep their marriage together.

I've seen people refuse to participate, give up and walk away. (In fact, I've seen that up close.)

I've seen marriages so bad, someone had to intervene and end it, like putting a sick dog down.

I think this guy needs to thoroughly examine his needs and find true pleasure in partnership, even if the Disney ending is nowhere in sight.

[IndiReloaded]

Did I steal the 'Longest Post Award' away for GrkSrp?

Mish: Giga said it all, I have nothing to add.