Any advice or insight is greatly appreciated...

[nikkib2]

I live in the midwest, my guy lives on the east coast. Last week he flew me out to where he was working for a couple of days. I work retail and with the holiday season coming up, and starting a second job the following week it was now or never, so at about 11 pm he sent me a plane ticket and I flew out at 6 am the next day. We had an amazing, romantic time...dinner, champagne, strawberries, lovely hotel, the works.

The next day, at home I guess you could say that my mood crashed. I didn't know what to think or feel. I'll summarize the entire relationship quickly so I can get the best advice.

About four years ago we met. I was moving to another state the day after our first date but we kept in frequent contact. Finally about four months after meeting we got together again and had sex. There was a condom failure but neither of us was concerned; the timing was (we thought) wrong for me to get pregnant. Somehow the impossible happened anyway, I refused to abort, and we ended things since we disagreed strongly which course to take. When I was 7 months pregnant he reappeared and we became friends I guess you could say. Friends progressed to lovers a couple of months after I gave birth. Our relationship has been going on long distance since then. We see each other when we can, which because of distance, work, family and other commitments, is about four times a year. We talk daily by phone or text. He makes much more money than I do and he is very supportive financially whenever I ask (but I try not to, only when I'm in a bind, like for car repairs or other unexpected expenses).

A few months ago I met a man who lives nearby and we've been dating. I have not had sex with him, but my child's father is aware that I'm dating. When he sent the ticket last week, it was shortly after a conversation in which I said that I was considering becoming more serious with the new guy.

So...I get home, I'm feeling bad because I know I won't see my guy for at least another few months. I know I need more in a relationship, I deserve more, so I tell him this. I should say, about three years ago during a conversation, I told him I was in love with him. At that time, he thanked me for telling him but said he cared for me but didn't feel the same way. I chose to continue the relationship anyway. This time, I again tell him how I feel and that I'm now very uncomfortable with the inequality of feelings and I say we should end our relationship so I can explore other options.

He stated that our relationship was complex and that we shouldn't break up just yet. He said that he thought we had been doing ok, and that any dissatisfaction I've had with the relationship was getting better (since we have been seeing each other slightly more frequently this year). He said that this was not a conversation to have on the phone and it should be done in person. I'm not sure yet if he'll come here or I'll fly out there again, again because of schedule conflicts.

I'm not sure what to think. My friend who is aware of all this thinks he cares for me, maybe even loves me. She says if that wasn't the case he would have accepted it when I said we should end things, instead of shutting me down and saying more discussion is necessary before we make any decisions. Would he really fly 1000 miles to break up with me in person? What do you think? Any insight is appreciated.

[devonbrown]

It is more than just a breakup though. This guy is your baby's father, so you should have some sort of relationship with him, even friendship, for the sake of your child. But if you want to be romantic with someone else, then you just need to end any romance with the first guy and make sure limits and guidelines are put in place.

You owe it to yourself and your child to get this relationship defined for good and make sure that everyone involved understands and accepts the situation as it is.

Good luck.

[Riyko]

You need to decide what you want, what you are doing isn't right, you are dating someone close distance, but still enjoying romantic time and having sex with your child's father. To me what you are doing is considered cheating because you are dating 2 guys at once and are lying to the guy who is close distance. You need to tell the close distance guy what's going on and then give yourself time to decide what and who you want to be with as it isn't fair to either of the guys.

[nikkib2]

No, I'm not lying to anyone. The guy who lives near is aware of my child's father (although you're right, he doesn't know about the trip last week). He is willing to date me while I sort things out, but I don't expect him to wait around forever. That would be unfair. I would have to say that the relationship with him isn't serious, but possibly could be...if my child's father wasn't in the picture. I have held off on the second relationship going any farther than it has simply because I know I'm in love with someone else. I think I have been fair all around, in letting everyone know very clearly what my feelings are.

I guess I wasn't very clear with what I'm asking. I want to be with my child's father but I don't feel he's being fair to me. I feel like he wants time to stand still until he has time for me. That is the reason I suggested that we end things for good. But I would be willing to be more patient, if I had any idea what he wants from me and our relationship. I would like things to progress more than anything but I just don't know what he wants. Is it just occasional sex? It doesn't feel that way to me. I just want to know if I can reasonably expect things to change for the better, considering our history. I know I'm asking a bunch of strangers and you all can't possibly really know what's in his heart or mind but I thought I'd give it a shot in case anyone saw something I'm missing.