confused, hurt, devastated

[bostondude]

I'll TRY to be brief.

I was single and then met this girl earlier this year. We knew of each other before last year but only small talk. Then this year in school we started to get closer to each other. The big problem is is the girl was engaged to someone hundreds of miles away and married this summer, to put things in perspective. During school, we started to hang out quite often and got to be really close. Of course I respected her engagement and avoided anything that might suggest intimacy and had no feelings at the time and she also invited me to her wedding. I viewed her only as a friend but one night she came over my place and fell asleep and somehow we kissed, although I don't recall initiating it she sort of nudged me and we made out and I just kept going. Afterwards, I felt tremendous guilt because I imagined if I was the guy miles away being cheated on. But instead our relationship progressed and I started to fall in love with her and she said she was in love with me. There were many times I sacrificed a lot and I was troubled, because she wouldn't listen to me or respect my time so I could focus on school. She constantly made me feel guilty about leaving her, and it got to the point that I cried multiple times, she promised to respect me more, but she never did. We were hanging out with each other 24/7 and I wanted my own space but that never happened. (I also paid for everything...)

Did I feel guilty about having an affair with a girl who was about to get married? Very much but my own feelings just trumped any guilt I would have. We talked about having a future together and I thought she was the one. Then as the day she was about to leave to go back to her fiance approached, I thought she was becoming more distant. She said she loved me so much but ended up going back to her fiance's place. She kept nagging during the year how I couldn't promise to marry her, supposedly before she left to go back to her fiance, that's a reason she gave me for going back to her home during summer break. 3 months is just too little time to propose right? I was heartbroken but I felt like we still had feelings for each other despite long distance. Then I pushed her away because I got angry at how she was marrying another guy even though she said she loved me and I couldn't put the 2 together. I ended up going to the wedding, which was incredibly painful, because I had to endure watching her marry another guy while I still had feelings. It felt like such a slap in the face, the woman you love getting married and me just watching and I was heartbroken and she avoided me at the wedding and felt really distant and I cried at the reception by myself. (I felt bad for the fiance and their family as well knowing what I did and shaking hands with the family of the fiance marrying the girl who cheated with me, I'm total douchebag I know but if I didn't go I would cause ppl to think I had feelings for her and that might make ppl suspect affair which I didn't want, supposed to be secret) Few days before wedding we talked and she said she still had feelings, but goes and gets married anyway.

Now, I feel like total crap, I'm crying constantly. I don't tell anyone what I'm feeling because I don't want anyone to find out about the affair because it would ruin her marriage and I don't want to know the ugly mess that would happen from that. So I try to contact her to get at least some closure and ask why she did what she did. I asked if she was just using me and I never got a straight answer from her. I asked if she moved on from me so quickly and all she says is, "I'm married." Ever since, we haven't been talking despite my dozens of texts and calls to tell her how I feel and how I want her back and how much I'm suffering and why this all happened and asking for closure but never getting it. We used to talk so much, now she barely talks to me at all and is avoiding me. (I'm pathetic I know, sounds stupid)

So in a nutshell, all I would like to know is, was I being used/exploited to provide attention and love because of her long distance relationship? Did she ever have feelings? I thought maybe she was just after my money or looking for comfort. She was literally attached to my hip for 3 months, never wanting to leave and really clingy. (Now I'm clingy).

Second, should I move on? I think, 100% of you would say yeah move on and focus on yourself. It's really hard though, because she said she loved me and just marries the original guy, after saying she would marry me if I had asked. The problem is she's coming back to school in the fall by herself, her husband will stay behind for at least another year I think and I don't know how I will or should act around her. She's destroyed and ripped my heart out and married another guy, although I did push her a little to marry because I can't handle the idea of ruining her marriage to just go out w/me who might not marry her in the end and she really wanted to marry. I also feel like she doesn't really love her husband I feel, unsure so I don't know, I'm just so confused. There are many other factors here and there but that's the gist of it. Someone help me understand what's on this girl's mind because she keeps it closed and doesn't answer me and I need advice on how to move on or what should I do? (Failed at being brief, sry)

[merdene]

Hey man, don't rationalize things. She's married that's it. So no matter how hard it is just try to move on. Same thing happened to me, but not that my ex married to another man, just she said she loved me so much, but after my one mistake she's totally changed. I cried day and night, that's over a year ago and I still have feelings for her. Actually I love her so much, but in the end she's moved on it's time to move on. I know it's difficult but you have to do it man. Good luck!

[bostondude]

I know but I just don't get what she's thinking. I just want to know if I was being used as a way to fill in her emptiness from her long distance relationship or if she actually loved me. And I'm confused as to how she moved on so quickly, I didn't do anything wrong, she just married another man and went away like that. She said she wanted to remain best friends which I'm okay with but I try asking for closure and begging to just talk and she just completely ignores me. Appreciate the advice but I'm trying to answer many unanswered questions. PLEASE help! Thanks for the response merdene.

[merdene]

Closure, I have been trying to get that from my ex for a long time. But I still haven't got it. More you try to contact her, more she will be avoiding you. I think there are times we have to leave things, the way they are.

[steviej]

Take off the rose tinted glasses and look at your experience objectively. You had a damn lucky escape. The girl is needy, clingy, controlling, a user and a sociopath.
She played you, told you enough to wrap you round her finger. She said jump and you did. The only time it seems you didn't go along with what she wanted - marriage!? She threw a hissy fit despite you only being together 3 months.

The girl has serious issues, you won't find true answers because i bet not even she can explain her actions, she just 'does'.

I feel very sorry for the guy she's with, he's in for a rough ride. You on the other hand have learned (hopefully) to be an equal in a relationship, not a doormat like you have been. Otherwise you'll just repeat the same car crash relationships.

Lucky escape!

[bostondude]

thanks steviej, i kinda knew that about the girl, just when you have feelings things get distorted. your comment really helped me get through today and hopefully carry on. I've made serious progress moving on and yeah learned what kind of relationship I should be in. Thanks, though I'm wondering how I should act around her when she comes back to school without husband. Should i avoid her or remain friends? Not sure how to go about this. Anymore advice or comments would be much appreciated, and again thanks stevie, you really helped me out a bunch!

[IndiReloaded]

Avoid. Clean up the crap in your own backyard. She's horrible for cheating, you are horrible for cheating with her. Try to have more self-respect in future.

[Cerby]

Yea man, some girls just put themselves first all the time. I didn't date my ex for very long, only 4 months, and when she dumped me I was devastated, but in only a matter of days I realized that I was used, abused, and mis-treated terribly. I was bending to her every thought and she could have whatever she wanted when she wanted it. I paid for everything and did everything to make her happy. Once I tried to get my relationship needs met, she broke up with me.

[that one guy]

Yea man, some girls just put themselves first all the time. I didn't date my ex for very long, only 4 months, and when she dumped me I was devastated, but in only a matter of days I realized that I was used, abused, and mis-treated terribly. I was bending to her every thought and she could have whatever she wanted when she wanted it. I paid for everything and did everything to make her happy. Once I tried to get my relationship needs met, she broke up with me.

Holy shit. Are you a clone of me? Describes my situation to a f*cking t.

[Cerby]

Holy shit. Are you a clone of me? Describes my situation to a f*cking t.

Good to know someone else is out there. I feel like sh*t, but at least I'm not alone!

[KelE]

You are not obligated to be her friend. She made you promise that under false pretenses. I would steer clear of her at all costs. Hopefully, your school is not a small one, but if you don't want to have contact with her you can do it. Hurry up and get a girlfriend, that would help.

[Bonfire]

If I was in your shoes and I would have stood up during the wedding before they exchange vows and make my confession public because I believe the groom deserves to know the truth. Then I would eject the wedding quickly and run for my dear life cuz I know she'll want to kill me. lol