I CAN'T do NO CONTACT- we have a child together....what to do?

[Lulu]

So my ex of three months is out cage fighting, sleeping with 18 year old girls (he's 31), using drugs again and drinking. I am responsible, mother of his 11 year old daughter, work my butt off and make good money. We were together 12 years off and on (on when he was actively sober). He keeps flirting with me, telling me he hasn't slept with anyone since we broke up, but he is posting things on his facebook to 18 year olds like, "You are WAY hot" and even friended my cousin who works at Hooter's. It sounds totally white trash, I know- I AM NOTHING LIKE THIS!! I am an R.N.- respectable, I haven't even slept with a handful of men in my life. Tonight we were on the phone and he started to insinuate that he wanted to have sex with me, I said, "we are in the friend zone, now" he said "I just want to get to the END zone, ha ha". I don't know if he enjoys messing with me, I have dated a couple of guys briefly since we broke up. I think that he had a part in one of the guys not calling me anymore because they have a mutual friend and my ex made a comment the other day that made me think that this was the case (we live in a small town so EVERYTHING gets around). He keeps begging me to come to his last fight- I don't want to see him all ripped up, his 18 year old girlfriends cheering him on...I have decided to tell him that I WON'T be going to that, at least. I wish I could do the whole "no contact" thing- but it isn't possible having a daughter together....

Anyways- I can't understand what he is trying to do or accomplish here. He is out sleeping around, I am sure of it. He claims he isn't- why?? Who cares- we are not together anymore. He keeps saying things eluding to wanting to have sex with me again- I keep trying to steer that conversation off course. I am trying to stay friends and civilized for our daughter's sake- but I have to admit that it is tearing me up a little. What can I do to get under his skin??? I'm not getting a facebook and sleazing myself out on it just to make him upset! I am not going to start sleeping around. I am just sick of feeling like his toy. Any suggestions, everybody?

[Lite]

Don't talk to him about anything other than your daughter. Period. If you don't have a daughter issue to discuss, don't talk to him. Hang up the phone if he's crossing the line.

Being civilized has nothing to do with not enforcing personal boundaries. "Look, the only thing we have in common to talk about is our daughter. If you're not calling me to talk about her, don't call."

Use your answering machine to your advantage, if he doesn't mention your daughter in the message, don't call him back.

Sheesh.

[QueenofCorona]

I agree, the only bond you have now is your daughter. You grew up. He obviously didn't. If only he could see how pathetic he looks. He probably just is so used to the 18 year old girls falling for his cheesey pick up lines that he thinks you are dumb enough to want him too. He wants to get a reaction out of you and by just letting it roll off you, neither insult his intentions nor laugh at them, just change the subject back to your daughter. He'll eventually grow tired of trying. I hope you find a nice guy for both you and your daughter, he's obviously not a great role model to her on how to treat women.

[DarkNeko]

And...why would no contact whatsoever be a bad thing? Is a cage-fighting, man-whore junkie really the kind of guy you want your daughter to look up to? Yeah, he's her biological father, but he's by no means the ideal role model for his child. Even if she didn't see him, she would observe how he treats you and think that's an acceptable way for a guy to treat his partner. Would you want her to grow up in the very same situation as you yourself are in right now?

This is just my opinion, so please take with a grain of salt. I'd cut the guy out of your life completely. Leave him to his wild and dangerous lifestyle and work on ensuring your daughter grows up to become a decent person.

[Lulu]

Yeah- I totally understand this thinking. Our daughter is eleven, now. She loves her dad- he's not exposing her to any of this- I've made it clear: no women, no drugs or alcohol, no fellow cage fighters around her, nothing associated with this trashy way of life. He has upheld this so far and he wants to be with her all the time- he is always happy to have her stay with him (in part because he doesn't want to be alone with his miserable self!). He is very funny and charming- he goes to her school to have lunch with her and all the kids attack him with hugs because he is the "cool dad". I can't just rip him out of her life.

Luckily, I am getting a better shift at work soon so that I won't have to rely on him to have her when I need to work. I am trying to be a great role model- hard worker with morals and values, supportive, loving, available to her. It is hard when this break up is so fresh and I am still keep getting tripped up emotionally over this jerk. I just need to find that happy medium for myself in order to cope better with his behavior and remarks- then I think all will be well. Our daughter will be happy and well adjusted, I won't be caught up in his mind games, feeling like his "toy" anymore. It is just a matter of how to find this way of dealing with him- I can't cut him out, for her sake. For example- she has a volleyball game tomorrow and he is planning on attending- I am too (I actually get the night off from work!). Once again- I'll have to see him and deal with his flirtatious behavior!!! Ugh.

[Illusional]

I'll have to see him and deal with his flirtatious behavior!!! Ugh.

deal with it huh?? honestly you aren't dealing with anything now. you are basically letting your ex run all over you by him saying that he only wants to get back into your pants. i dunno why you feel that you should allow this to happen. maybe you're too proud of yourself with your RN status and your college degrees, but you need to check yourself. on the real, you're a struggling single mother who doesn't have the balls to deal with her ex.

ok, enough bashing on you. i suggest that you put your foot down when you talk to your ex. tell him specifically that you hate the way that he treats you because you two aren't even friends. he's the father of your daughter and that's it. personally i wouldn't go back to him if i were you, nor would i ever have those "leading" conversations. i dunno what you say to him, but it might be a two way street that you're unaware of your responses. if you don't put your foot down now, like you should've probably 10 years so, nothing will change. it will only get harder from now because he has developed this as a habit, but even the hardest habits can be broken.

raverboy

[MVPlaya]

He just wants to get his thrills. He knows you're still attracted to him, at least a little, and he is still attracted to you. That doesn't mean he has any serious intentions or responsibility, it just means he has no shame. He will bang whatever is in front of him, hot 18 year olds cheering at his MMA fights, ex-wives he has children with. He doesn't think of long-term consequences, only quick thrills.

Like he said, "I only want to get to the END zone."

[Lulu]

Wow...I have balls! I do! If you only knew, Raverboy... I will put him in check- I just suppose that I've been reading sooo.... much on how to deal with the personality of a substance abuser (avoid reacting, etc. because it "puffs" them up) that I have become far too passive. You are right- I suppose I hadn't realized that I was going in that direction- not on purpose or because I don't have a "backbone", I just felt that I was "letting him feel the consequences of his illness by not reacting to his irrational behavior" (it's in this book that I have been reading...).

Anyways- thank you for your replies. It is great to gain others' perspective on the situation- especially from the guys out there! I have people telling me, "maybe he isn't with anyone else, misses you, is planning to change, come back" (all from the great women in my life!) and deep down I think it is a bunch of B.S.- I don't want that and I don't want to hear that. I think it is a game for him and I am sick of it. It was just hard to figure out his thinking, motives, etc. and I have been letting him get too integrated into my life/mind these days all over again. If I didn't allow him to do it all over again, I probably wouldn't care about his thoughts at all! I need to cut him off- keep it strictly kid related! I'll get there....thanks everyone for the tough love!

[Illusional]

if i were you, i wouldn't have him back. from what i have learned through dating my ex's is that some things about a person is unchangeable. regardless of how much they "say" they want to change or how they think that they have changed, some habits are just unbreakable. for the record, if you've got some balls, then i might consider you a tranny..hahaha. but getting back to the matter at hand, it's hard to change someone, especially an abuser of drugs. the only way they will change is if they want to change. from what you're telling me, he still is in the party stage of his life.

raverboy

[Lulu]

I'm tough- not a tranny!

[Illusional]

hahaha... i did say that i was joking.

raverboy

[Gigabitch]

I have a similar situation, though much less extreme. My ex is kind of a chode and has messages all over his MySpace from young girls he doesn't even really know. He has promised to keep the sleaze factor away from our daughter as well. At this point the only contact I really have with my ex is by text message. He has barely spoken to me since I got remarried. Our eleven year old is starting to realize he's a knucklehead but she still has contact with him and it doesn't need to involve phone conversations between he and I at all.

[qwertz]

Same as the others have said.

You need to make contact about your daughter only, dont get into chit chat with him, no matter how nice he seems to be. Hang up the phone if he changes the subject. He will soon get the message but you definately need to stand by this and not change your mind or let things slip. Be polite and neutral with him, anything else and will provoke more of a reaction and make it harder to not keep the convo on your daughter.
Also make sure he see's your daughter by prior arrangement, no just turning up as it may catch you off guard. You ned to keep this up as any slip in the subject will give him a way back in.
Its hard but do-able, trust me, i know.

[Lulu]

I called him today- told him to keep the conversation about our daughter from now on- that we can't let the conversations lead into how they've been turning out the last few days. He said, "huh- I thought we were just joking". I said, "maybe- but it still seems kind of strange since we aren't together anymore. It's wierd." My little sister yelled at me, "Don't tell him that!! Just blow off his advances! Now he just thinks that he's getting to you." but I think it is better for me to just get the point across that I don't want to hear those things any longer. It will help me to sleep better at night! I did slip up and say, "that is what you have your many bar flings and 18 year olds on facebook for!" He replied, "I don't know what you are talking about." I changed the conversation back to our daughter and then I let him go. It felt great though- I went to the grocery store and my cashier asked why she never sees us together anymore- I told her that we broke up and she said, "You seemed like you were so in love" and then whispered, "I never thought he was good looking enough for you!". That made my day!!!

[Illusional]

yeah i wouldn't have said anything about that 18 year old. it seems like you were spying on him. anyways, the past is the past so leave it there and move on.

raverboy