Advice on an old flame (long post)

[BodyandMind]

I'm hoping I'm not the only guy out there to have this problem, and I'll try to be as brief and to the point as possible, so here goes:

I met a girl a long time ago, we'll call her Rach, when I was a kid, maybe 16 or 17 and she was 11 or 12. Friend of a family member and we went to the same church. She was entrusted to the safekeeping of my cousin, who is only a year older than me and we hung out a lot back in those days so over the years we ended up spending a lot of time together. I graduated high school and started college at UT (which is local) and fell out of contact with her for a few years. Low and behold just before I turn 21 she walks into the restaurant I was serving at the time and she's grown up a lot. Contact resumes and by her senior year in high school (which puts me at maybe 21 or 22, can't remember exactly it was a long time ago) we're talking a lot but it was the whole forbidden love thing because I'm older, her parents were very conservative so we had to hang out a lot in secret, weren't really able to make anything official until she turned 18 and stated college. But it was fantastic and I loved every minute of it. Looks wise she had turned into a complete knockout for me. She was very fiery and independant and had a fierce temper in those days but it kept me in check because I was kind of arrogant, so while we tended to fight a lot the passion was just as intense, so to speak. Or it was for awhile anyway. When I graduated school after a few more years she was still in 19-20 years old can't legally drink party years and we just weren't on the same page anymore, and I ended it for awhile. We got back together after a few months and had another round of extremes until around Christmas of 07 and then it ended again, very badly. I had some severe issues with what had gone down while we were apart and they finally came to boiling after a while. Things were thrown, Christmas presents were destroyed. We didn't even speak again until over a year later, and it quickly devolved into unresolved disputes from before and the communication lines were cut for good. That was around 6 years ago, and I haven't seen or spoken to her since then aside from a few drunk happy new years texts I sent to 100 people.

Since then I've dated a lot. I've been with my current girlfriend since 2009, which is part of the problem. We moved out of east TN to Nashville and I never thought I'd see Rach ever again. But something has lingered and I don't know why. I've had meaningful relationships with a lot of people in my day and none of them have stuck with me like she has. Not every single day or even every month, and not even a strong compulsion or emotional memory but every once in awhile I'd see or do something that makes me remember. Now because of work I've found myself back in my hometown, living not 5 miles from where Rach does, and it's hitting me all over again, hard. I'm not sure if time is coloring my memories to be a lot better than what it actually was, or if I'm still wondering maybe if I hadn't made such a big deal about stuff that happened while weren't together things would be different now, but it's driving me nuts and I know it's not fair to my girlfriend.

My current gf is a fantastic person, and we've already done a lot of "married" things together. We bought a brand new house in Nashville that we paid down to turn into rental income. We've bought cars together, we have a shared bank account. We share the same faith and we have a lot of the same old friends, and currently rent an apartment together. But she is not without her own faults. I'm crazy in tune with my finances, she was on the brink of bankruptcy when we got together and I've had to help her learn to spend and save wisely and work on improving her credit. I'm also into fitness and wellness as a way of life, and shes, well, not. She's still a very beautiful person but countless months of shared gym memberships have gone to waste. But the biggest are when we had a brief separation period at the beginning of our relationship where she made some very poor choices that I still struggle with sometimes. And it goes beyond the simple she dated other people thing to life decisions and involving one of my friends (who I'm not friends with anymore). I try to remind myself that we weren't together and everyone deserves forgiveness for their mistakes, and I've made a few myself, but that doesn't change the fact that it's still there.

Ever since we got together it seems like she lives just to be married and have babies. there was a time when i didnt want to hear married talk since it seemed like that's all she was focused on in the beginning and she had just gotten out of a previous marriage. she gradually sort of came around to my way of thinking that when the time is right it will happen and that may be never, as long as we're happy together. But I've gotten a little older and my opinion has changed. I dont think it's fair that we're essentially living a married life without being married, but this is holding me back. The whole thing with my ex is driving me nuts, combined with the other issues that I wish I'd be able to let go of.

We tried counceling one time but it turned into a man bashing session, no joke, it was my girlfriends suggestion we not go anymore because she didn't agree with the councilor. So I'm stuck. I know my girlfriend, her family, my family, and all our friends are all ready for us to get married after almost 6 years together.

It was extremes of the spectrum with Rach, and now it's almost like apathy with my girlfriend, same comfortable routine. Or is that just the difference between relationships when you're 21 to 31?

[TablesandChairs]

What's really holding you back? Some ex you had from a million years ago who, by your own admission, you shared a volatile, anger-filled, immature relationship with? Someone who may have changed into a very different person (for better or worse).

This says more about how you feel about your current partner than it does about 'Rach'. Your current partner is who you know in the present - who you have been for the past 6 years. Is it premature for her to be talking marriage and babies? Hardly. But neither your feelings nor commitment are fully there. Nor are they with 'Rach' really...but it's a nice distraction. And possibly an excuse.

You've mentioned your partner isn't into 'gym' as much as you...and that once upon a time, she was more of a frivolous spender. Not exactly 'make or break' issues...your partner is never going to be a carbon copy of you but if it's not something you can live with or you just feel apathetic towards her in general - why stay? I wouldn't waste more of this woman's time because instead of thinking about moving forward with her, which is expected after 6 years...you're fantasising about some relationship you had as a kid.