How do you squash the hope that you'll get back together?

[confused&single]

This is the last thing that I need to learn and believe for me to finally start to get over things and be okay to move on.

[DarkHelmet82]

Im with you on this one.... especially when they play head games.. I wish i had an answer.. I guess the best way to squash hope is just to DO IT... easier said then done though.

[tremolo]

It's so hard. It's only been two weeks and every day I wake up I think - how could he not have called me yet?! The ironic thing is - I could give at least 40 reasons why he's not the right man for me. So why do I even care??

I think you just have to stay focused on the prospect of someone better coming along. Just trust in the hope that you'll love again, and that your new love will be preferable to the one you lost.


If you can't change your mentality, change your behavior, and the rest will come. When you wake up in the morning, put some extra care into your appearance before you go about your day. Get dressed up and make sure you feel good about yourself. Don't go out expecting to meet anyone, necessarily, but make yourself available to people and enjoy what ensues from that. Go to happy hour after work and chat up some attractive men... not for the purpose of getting a date, but for the purpose of getting to know some new people and engaging in some harmless flirting. Do enough of that, and you'll soon realize there are a lot of options at your fingertips now, and the future course of your love life is not contingent upon your ex's affections. Mostly, try to appreciate again just how wonderful you are, and reinforce to yourself that you don't need a man - any man - to make you happy. Only when you really believe this will you start drawing great men to you...

[VincenzoG91]

When I was younger, I had a scorched earth policy towards breakups. If we're going to break up, I'm going to make sure that we stay broken up by saying really obnoxious things at the time of the break up. That made for clear, uncomplicated and final breakups and no looking back.

[Toddstar]

try listing the 40 reasons here. I, for one, would be very interested in knowing them. I think we are in the same boat!

[tremolo]

Well, 40 might have been an exaggeration! But some of the main ones:

1. We are not compatible spiritually.
2. He gives substantially less in an relationship.
3. He is focused on his own feelings, needs, and desires to the neglect of his partner.
4. He did not appreciate how wonderful, albeit scary, my family is.
5. He doesn't know how to communicate his feelings.
6. He has trouble opening up to people.
7. He never wants to talk about anything important or personal - or even really talk at all.
8. He doesn't deal well with conflict - i.e., would rather terminate a relationship than work through an issue that is ongoing.
9. He never really made me laugh.
10. He has a puerile sense of humor.
11. I got sick of his zombie films.
12. His diet is kind of crappy.
13. He rarely looked after my needs in the bedroom.
14. Sports are his primary interest.
15. Television is his second main interest.
16. The most important 'people' in his life are his dogs.
17. He was unwilling to modify his behavior/treatment of me to safeguard my feelings.
18. He didn't treat me like a man in love.
19. He made *almost* no effort to see me other than clearing a space in his schedule.
20. He is incredibly selfish, and oblivious to the fact that he is.

I think that's a pretty good list. I could go on, but you get the idea...

Oh hell, I'll throw in a bonus:

21. He thinks Kim Kardashian is the most riveting woman on earth.

[tremolo]

I should add that I could list just as many wonderful qualities about him, and that he could likely come up with an equally long list of character flaws/things he didn't like about me.

I guess I was just willing to overlook many of these things if he'd put in a bit more effort to a) show me he loved me and b) respected and was committed to our relationship. I guess it just didn't mean as much to him as it meant to me.

[Toddstar]

#21 is appaling. Truly. But I digress....sure, we all could come up with reasons good and bad if we tried. But writing down the reasons of incompatibilty not only reinforces what happened is for the good into your head, you now have a template to study and think about why you arent with him. In fact, that list helped ME reinforce in myself why I dont need to reconcile for the 4th time with my ex (when people saying reconciliation doesnt work? they are RIGHT.) Keep making lists, make spreadsheets of pros and cons. It WORKS. The hard part is when you miss the good stuff...but we rarely think about the bad stuff.

[confused&single]

I'm finding it hard to come up with a list at all concerning things I don't like about him. The things I don't like about him aren't deal breakers. That's my problem. I can say he was a little emotionally distant when I really needed him or that he's a little self centered but I can say that about myself also. I made a list once before and I found that my negatives weren't worth walking away from him because the positivies far out weighed them. You see my problem? How in the hell do I get over someone that I can't find serious flaws in or learn to dislike? ...its so frustrating.

[Dank]

Time is the best healer and you will find the answers over time

[DarkHelmet82]

sliting my wrists, maybe swallow some pain killers, a noose, a gun... you get the idea. Im too much of a pussy though.. and ive tried it.. not a good spot to be in too bad DR. Kevorkian is dead.

[Dank]

Yes the "im ganna hurt myself" loool

[tremolo]

I'm finding it hard to come up with a list at all concerning things I don't like about him. The things I don't like about him aren't deal breakers. That's my problem. I can say he was a little emotionally distant when I really needed him or that he's a little self centered but I can say that about myself also. I made a list once before and I found that my negatives weren't worth walking away from him because the positivies far out weighed them. You see my problem? How in the hell do I get over someone that I can't find serious flaws in or learn to dislike? ...its so frustrating.

Well that's the thing. A few of the things in my list weren't deal breakers. But when his general selfishness/obliviousness got to the point that I was unhappier more than happy in the relationship, and began to cause real problems for us, something had to give. He wasn't willing to bend and cited some of my own shortcomings as the reason for our breakup. Anyway... had he been willing to compromise and to sacrifice, we could've worked things out. But he wasn't. Either because he's holding out for a Kim Kardashian (haha, gag me), or because he's relationally challenged. Whatever the reason, I think it's clear to me that I could reasonably expect a lot more from a partner, so I'm trying to focus on those things I originally overlooked, because it makes it easier to envision a 'better' boyfriend.

[Horseyguy]

Well, 40 might have been an exaggeration! But some of the main ones:

1. We are not compatible spiritually.
2. He gives substantially less in an relationship.
3. He is focused on his own feelings, needs, and desires to the neglect of his partner.
5. He doesn't know how to communicate his feelings.
6. He has trouble opening up to people.
7. He never wants to talk about anything important or personal - or even really talk at all.
8. He doesn't deal well with conflict - i.e., would rather terminate a relationship than work through an issue that is ongoing.
9. He never really made me laugh.
12. His diet is kind of crappy.
13. He rarely looked after my needs in the bedroom.
16. The most important 'person' is her dog.
17. He was unwilling to modify his behavior/treatment of me to safeguard my feelings.
18. He didn't treat me like a woman in love.
19. He made *almost* no effort to see me other than clearing a space in his schedule.
20. He is incredibly selfish, and oblivious to the fact that he is.

Fark that's uncanny

[abn25]

When I was younger, I had a scorched earth policy towards breakups. If we're going to break up, I'm going to make sure that we stay broken up by saying really obnoxious things at the time of the break up. That made for clear, uncomplicated and final breakups and no looking back.

Now let me guess, you were usually the "breaker upper" at that point?? Seems unnessesary and rude to add insult to injury but I guess you were young as you said so i'll give ya that.