Problem with my boyfriend

[abcdefg]

I don't know what this means but I don't know what to do.

I have been dating him since December and he has always been the sweetest guy I've ever met. He always would talk about how he wanted to marry me and have kids and would daily tell me how much he loved me. Now, the catch is that we go to the school in the same state, but I live in a state about 680 miles away. The first time we were separated for winter break he IMed me daily and called me on the phone daily all sugary and then met me with presents when I came back.

Then I acquired a basement apartment which I was thrown out of right after I moved in because of zoning laws in that state. After that I was not sure what was going on, but I wanted to make sure that everything would stay cool with him.

The first month away he was normal, then suddenly he started being more distant. He never said "I love you" anymore, only "ditto" if I said it first. He was not nearly as enthusiastic about anything and it has been troubling. If I try to contact him, he takes ages to respond. I really doubt he is cheating or anything since I know his family and friends and speak to them frequently, but I don't know what is wrong. I haven't seen him since June now.

So I asked him today if he still loved me and he goes, "I don't think I love anything anymore. I hate life." He also told me that he felt dead and didn't know if he could return to being the same old him. I asked if I had done anything wrong and he told me no. I see that he's depressed but I have no clue about what I can do to make him normal again. I really want the old him back. He really does act dead and he never was that way before, he's seeming even more depressed than me. I'm not there so I can't go see about what's wrong. What can I do to help him????

For someone to constantly say and do things that say that he loves you to suddenly turn cold, what could do that? I mean, I really do think he at least loved me if he doesn't now. I asked other people and they think it might be because he misses me but doesn't know what to do about it so he acts this way, but I don't know. I definitely don't want to break up and I don't want it to be something like "Oh, he hasn't seen you so he doesn't care about you now." At the same time I can't take him being this emotionally dead to everything.

Is there something I can do to make him feel better or go back to normal without being there???

[shh!]

Maybe you are only just beginning to see the REAL him; this could be what is "normal". Consider the "honeymoon" phase. By the way, I don't think most men begin dating by saying they want to get married and have children with you, and if they did, I would worry.

[Asip4u]

Most likely what shh! described however you can try and find out more. Guys aren't as open as girls so it is possible that something else is going on and he isn't comfortable talking about it.

[abcdefg]

By the way, I don't think most men begin dating by saying they want to get married and have children with you, and if they did, I would worry.

He claimed he had never felt like that in such little time. A lot of things about both of us are different from a lot of people when it comes to love and dating, so that part is not much surprise to me. There is a lot behind why I don't think he was just saying that to say it.

I don't quite think that this is the "real" him since this new personality just popped out of nowhere, literally from the time we met to now with the exception of the few weeks for a break, I was with him everyday, almost all day a lot of those times. That is actually a lot of time to spend with a person to be able to pick apart things about a person's personality.

I just want to fix whatever the problem is so he can be normal and happy.

[shh!]

At the risk of sounding like a pessimist, I would say it is not normal to be happy all the time unless you are mentally retarded.

Perhpas the amount of time you spent together before his sudden change of heart has been reinterpreted (by him) to feel like you are "smothering" him. It could be that he simply needs a break. In any case, If he isn't really interested at this time, you can't "fix" him, nor should you try. Sorry.

[abcdefg]

Of course no one can be happy all the time, that is an exaggeration of what I'm getting at. Although a perpetually happy person may be "mentally retarded", a perpetually depressed person could be anything from bi-polar to schizoid to whatever other problems out there. All I'm saying is that it's depressing me that he seems to be DEPRESSED all the time more recently.

I don't really get how being worried about his behavior could be viewed as smothering.
If someone sees that someone is having a problem, why should they not try to "fix" someone's problem (especially when the problem is causing other people to have problems)?

[shh!]

I dunno. Maybe he is clinically depressed, in which case you can't help him. He would need professional help. Maybe he just isn't into you anymore. (Out of sight, out of mind.) He actually said he doesn't love anything anymore, right? I would guess that includes you. You can't fix that either.

The part about you possibly being thought of as smothering was referring to what you said about spending every day, all day with him before you moved.

You sound like a nice, caring person, and it doesn't seem that he reciprocates the feeling. Since I don't believe you can force these things, I am only suggesting you might want to reconsider your emotional investment. Good Luck.

[Junket]

He's just lettin' you down easy.

The whole "it's not you, it's me" bullshit.

He dun like you no more.

Sorry but that's just the way it is.

[MrWhite]

I hate being a pessimist, but I would kind of have to agree with Frasbee, it sounds like he's trying to let you down easily.

It's nice to hear someone as caring as you speaking out. It would normally mean a lot to a loved one being that you care so much. If it does turn out that he's depressed, there's not much that you can do in regards to helping him other than personnal support. You can't really force him to talk to you neither. It must come when he's ready. That's not to say that he'll tell you sooner or later if that's the case. Like shhh!! said, "he may need professional help."

[GrkScorp]

the sweatest guy u ever met huh??? i'm guessing u don't go out much...

anywho... it sounds like your guy is depressed... i dunno, someone died, he lost his job, he's going to jail, some kid hid his remote... all kinds of crazy stuff... it could be anything getting him down...

if it's not that.. and you don't think u can do anything to chear him up... then i think it's his cold way of letting you know... "leave me alone" ................... "forever" ............

think of it this way... there's a more sensitive side to his cold to the touch outside...

[abcdefg]

He's the closest match out there, in other words there are not many people like him running around all over the place. I honestly don't think I could ever do better.

I asked him if he had a choice to be with me for as long as he possibly could if he would and he still says yes. I spoke to his sister about what could be getting him down and she says it more than likely is school funding problems and not me. Also I spoke to another person who says that he has felt the same way many times and that it has nothing to do with other people or trying to "hint" at something, just a kind of internal depression. So I do doubt that he's trying to "break up" sort of speak.

Now I don't see it as much of a problem. He may be a little withdrawn now, but we're 680 miles apart, what else can he do? I haven't been able to speak with him face to face in a couple of months so I don't really blame him. For the first month that we were apart he was normal, now that he's about to go to a specialized school for the last two years of college he has a lot of pressure on him.

I've had a redundant dream for the past few nights where I meet up with him again and he hugs me and is all happy to see me and we go out. I think the dreams serve as a reminder that he has pretty much always shown more emotion face to face than over communication tools. So I probably shouldn't give up just because he's feeling down and can't express himself much now.

He showed that he cared too much to just assume that suddenly he no longer does just because he's down. I've been down before too, and I've been cold to people I care about even though it wasn't because I didn't like them. So I think his emotions are compounded with a kind of missing that I'm not there and pressure from school.

[shh!]

Okay. It's your life.

[abcdefg]

He just reassured me that he's not trying to "let me down easy" or anything. He said i was paranoid, lol.

[misombra]

this thread sucks.

[misombra]

i mean this LIFE sucks.