engaged- can I trust my fiance?

[smichelle]

Sorry this is so long but I would really really appreciate any advice!

I am engaged, have been since dec 31 2020. My fiance,lets call him Tim(he is 29, I am 26)

Let me start by saying how I feel about him. I love him more than i have ever loved anyone in my life, and I am very confident that he feels the same way about me. Other people say that i am all he talks about, and he lights up when i see him, i know he really loves me. He has showed me so many new things, and we get along so well almost 100% of the time. We hardly ever fight, and he would do anything for me. He tells me that he cant imagine ever being with anyone else and has no doubt that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me

He has a lot of insecurities due to past relationships. He is also very immature relationship-wise. He seems to have this fear that I will cheat on him, which I would never do. I am not that type of person and I have never cheated, never will.

There was an incident right when we first started getting serious, when he was working and this girl at the bar who was really young (she might have been 21, she might have been 19/20 and had a fake i.d. ) was hitting on him all night. Well she gave him her number and he said they texted a few times and he thought about messing around with her but he says he never did, and I believe him. I only know about the situation because he posted about it on a message board. I didn’t read it until a month or so after he wrote it, but like I said it was right when we started to get serious so I wasn’t sure if I should be upset or not. The reason I was upset was because of what he wrote….describing this girl word for word how hot she was. It seemed so shallow. I confronted him about it and he said that he was upset b/c when we first started hanging out he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no, I liked the way things were, I didn’t want a serious relationship. I honestly don’t remember even having this convo, but It might have happened(we used to drink A LOT). He said writing that stuff made him feel better about himself, his feelings were really hurt when I turned him down. So okay, I dealt with that, makes sense. But, in the back of my mind, I have these insecurities now, about myself and the way I look. He says he feels like I still hold this all against him and he is afraid that I will cheat on him because of it. Also, in a weird way, it kind of proves that he does care about me, because he didn’t go through with it, and, like I said we were in a weird in-between/not sure if we are serious stage.

The real hang up is the age thing. He was interested in this other girl, who was 18 when he messed around with her. He was maybe 25 or 26. He says he was just a friend and he felt like he needed to help her because she had a really tragic life. He only messed around with her once, when she "seduced" him and they didnt have sex. He says he never had sexual feelings for her because she was too young.

He was so paranoid that I might be cheating that one night he went through my phone calls/text messages. I have nothing to hide, so I didnt really care, but i used that as an excuse to snoop on him. I logged onto his facebook and looked at his messages. In september, when we were definately serious, he sent a message to this girl that said "hey, i wanted to comment on your picture but i didnt want my girlfriend to get mad. when did you grow up from a cute little girl into such a sexy beast? In the pic of you in the pool your friends dont even compare to you"
He sent this message like the day before that he sent a message to his good friend talking about how much he loved me and how he was going to propose to me.

I was under the impression that he felt the same way that I do, and this just makes me think that we may not be on the same page, as I would never send a message like that. I mean its perfectly normal to be attracted to other people, but sending her a message like that i feel is taking it too far. I just dont see the point in doing it.

The whole facebook thing really surprised me, so i was compelled to dig deeper. There is another message board that he used to post on all the time, and so I was curious about it. I really shouldnt have done it, because the stuff i was reading he had posted before we got together, but i just couldnt help it. He was constantly bragging about banging "19 year old hard bodied chicks", and it made me absolutely sick. he told me that he didnt have sex with the one girl b/c she was too young, now i read the message board and it was like every week he was bragging about it. I mean i know I shouldnt beleive all that stuff, especially since he told me half the stuff he posts is for shock value, and he makes a lot up, but also a lot of it I know is true. And, even if it is made up, the fact that he would talk like that is just so degrading and superficial.

So I know all the stuff I found was old, but it just really makes me question this whole thing. Do I really want to have a child with someone who might think this way?

[Kaius]

It depends on how well you really know him. If you are engaged, I assume you know him pretty well. If he is capable of doing nasty stuff with 19 year olds, then he's really not as upstanding as you think he is. You can tell if a person is lying or not...if you him/her enough.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If he is capable of doing nasty stuff with 19 year olds, then he's really not as upstanding as you think he is.


He didn't chop her up and leave keep her in his freezer, give the guy a break.