No Long Term Potential?

[vertical_sky]

Hey forum! Long time no see. The reason: I've been in a relationship! Shocker, right? Well, it looks like that is about to come to an end. Last night, I found out my boyfriend had been talking to a friend of his about how he wasn't sure if he saw "long term romantic potential with me." I asked him about it, and his answers have left me quite shaken.

A little background: I and my bf have been dating since September (6-7 months.) We originally started out as friends-with-benefits. He knew I wanted more, but I never pushed, and he spontaneously decided to start dating me.

My bf is 30 years old. I am his first legitimate relationship. He dated a girl back in college for 6 months, but in his words it was "mostly to see if I could." He has had a long string of one night stands and hook-ups, but decided to be monogamous with me.

For the most part, I think our relationship has been spectacular. We always have a lot of fun together, the sex is really good, I get along with all of his friends, etc. From my perspective, the relationship feels comfortable and easy, which is a big change from the drama-ridden relationships I've had in the past. We've had a few fights, but its very respectful, there isn't any yelling and we seem to communicate well.

In the last few weeks, however, my bf has apparently been thinking that he isn't sure he sees himself dating me in the future. He stressed that there was nothing wrong with me... by all accounts, anyone in his position would be ecstatic with our relationship.

He didn't talk to me directly about it because he says he feels very conflicted. For the past few months, he's been very, very stressed with his job, to the point of making himself physically ill. He has a history of depression, and doesn't seem to handle stress well. He is looking for a new job, and he wanted to get a new job first and see how he feels about the relationship.. to make sure that he isn't taking the stress of the job out on us. He even said that without my support, he would have felt completely lost... that I saved him quite a few times from how badly this job gets him down.

In the meantime, he really wants us to just act normally. He's even pushing me to hang out with his friends with/without him. He says that he really just wants to focus on a new job, and bounce his feelings off a couple of friends, before he does anything rash.

I don't know how I feel. I really like him a lot, but the uncertainty is killing me. Especially since it seems I can't do anything to change it, since there's nothing that I'm doing that's wrong. If there's a chance of us coming through this, I'd really like to try.... But how do you show someone you're a good long term partner? It also just strikes me as weird... I've never had that conversation before the Year Mark, as I think the first year should just be fun and seeing if you're a good match in general.

My question is, what do you think of all that? Should I take a pre-emptive strike and break up with him? How do I deal with "being normal" when it's so uncertain? Does this situation sound hopeless?

[bcgirl]

Well he has a history of depression.....perhaps this is another one of his episodes. If you are serious about him and see a real future with him, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to be with someone who suffers from a mental disorder. Living with a depressed person will take a major toll on you. There will be many ups and downs. One minute he is fine and dandy....and the next he thinks he should just go back to his one night stand days. The reason why he is contemplating a break up is because a serious relationship is too much to handle for him. It was much easier just doing the whole one night stand thing and not worry about commitment. Perhaps he is just one of those people that don't want commitment and would be happy living like a bachelor for the rest of his life.

[smackie9]

Also you said "the relationship feels comfortable and easy" that says "boring and mundane" to a guy and it scares the hell out of them to think "This is it?" hence questioning the long term. And like bcgirl said, depression definitely can be playing a major role in this.

Remember we are only getting your perspective. You may feel this is a "spectacular" relationship, but to him it's just been "OK".

From my experience, if they start questioning their feelings towards me, I'm out.

[sadie_genie]

Don't make excuses for him. He doesn't sound depressed. Depressed people aren't motivated to do anything whereas he said he wants to focus on his job. Just sounds like he isn't all that into you. Hence the whole talk about not seeing you are long term potential. I think part of this has to do with the fact that you agreed to a casual and sexual relationship with him in the beginning and then later a more exclusive dating arrangement with him. Seems like he can have you however he wants. You have made things just too easy for him and you are not communicating to him you have an independent mind. It is hard to change his perspective on you now. But you can try being more challenging and see if you an save things from now. Definately break up with him and make it more challenging for him if he wants your time. Try not initiating any contacts for awhile and don't return all his texts or phone calls. Make it clear that he doesn't have all the control.

[vertical_sky]

I guess I just don't understand why he started dating me in the first place... or why he doesn't just out and out break up with me. He's even pushing me to hang out with his friends-I don't understand his actions at all.

[smackie9]

First off in the beginning he thought he saw potential so he took a chance and brought it to the next level. As time went on, it turns out his feelings didn't progress, and that does happen no matter how perfect the relationship is. I suspect he is trying to make it go back to the way it was FWB. Now it's up to you to decide where you want to go with this....it doesn't have to be up to him you know.

[vertical_sky]

First off in the beginning he thought he saw potential so he took a chance and brought it to the next level. As time went on, it turns out his feelings didn't progress, and that does happen no matter how perfect the relationship is. I suspect he is trying to make it go back to the way it was FWB. Now it's up to you to decide where you want to go with this....it doesn't have to be up to him you know.

Except it kind of is. My only choice is to dump him... to throw away a relationship I do like on assumptions and mind-reading (he says this, he means that.) I don't consider that much of a choice. And this happens every time... this is at least the fourth relationship where a guy hasn't been that into me, and yet I have to back him up into a corner and force him to break up with me, or do it myself. And when I do it, I'm the one who bares the blame for the relationship failing among our friends.

The very least he could do is not make me shoulder that responsibility. He could be a man, and break up with me. He could at least give me that kindness, instead of jerking me around.

[surfhb]

So when you talked to him about all this, what did he say?

[vertical_sky]

So when you talked to him about all this, what did he say?

Pretty much what I said in the first post.... That he feels so stressed out with work that he isn't himself, and that he can't figure out if the way he feels about me is from the stress or is reality. He says he doesn't want to break up-he just wants more time to figure things out, and for us to just continue the way we are. (So monogamous, in a relationship, etc.)

He hadn't even been meaning to talk to me about it... He's a little upset that a friend told me when the conversation had been in confidence. He says he has no answers for me, and he really wants to go talk to someone (friend, therapist) to see if it's a "crazy thought" or not.

[KingZ]

For what it's worth, I've been stressed out from work—to the point of not being able to see clearly—and the one thing that was clear was how much I value the relationship with my girlfriend. That's a bullshit excuse.

It's time for an ultimatum, I think.

[surfhb]

All that is code for not wanting to be with you anymore IMO

[smackie9]

Now if this is a re-occurrence in your life it's one of two things.....the type of guy you choose to date, so the pattern repeats itself, or it's you and no one is brave enough to tell you.

[staticline]

3 years ago I decided to stick with a man who, albeit for different reasons and under different circumstances, started out with one foot in and one foot out of the relationship. He was blowing hot and cold, citing one lame reason after another, and like you I went through a lot of uncertainty because I know at least that I really liked him. I found out much later that he was uhmming and ahhing about whether or not to get back with an ex who'd resurfaced at the time - and actually he did sleep with her a time or two before he committed to me.

I say committed - to be honest, 3 years down the line I'm starting to realise that it's entirely possible that he never really did - that I've just made myself oh-so-convenient and that our relationship is never really going to go anywhere. At this point, this is a very painful dawning realisation indeed. And I might even be wrong, yet, but clearly the doubts that were planted in the beginning have never really left, they've always been lurking in the background. Fact is, sometimes we want something so much we just see what we want to see. Like you I'd had quite a few disastrous relationships in the past, and when I found some stability and security in love with a man I was blindsided. I think my yearning for him was even intensified by the initial insecurity, so I was just really happy when he came around.

I'd advise you to walk away, not just because it's quite unreasonable of him to expect you to 'carry on as normal' whilst he decides whether or not he wants to be with you, but also because if it did work out you'd never really know. I guess you'd always wonder whether he remained because he wanted to, or whether it was just easy and there were benefits and he realised he could make up his mind in plenty of your own sweet time.

I don't think it's anything to do with stress at work - what man in the first rush of love can't find some time for his woman? If anything, he would look to draw strength from it. If he's claiming he needs to see a therapist in order to be in a place where he can commit to a relationship he's either got such serious problems you shouldn't be there in the first place, or he's trying to avoid responsibility for his own thoughts and feelings because he's spineless. Lucky for you it's the latter, so there is still some hope.

If he really loves you, he'll come after you, no doubt. Not just this, but he'll be prepared to spend some time proving his mettle for a long term relationship. If you do this and he comes back expecting quick sex, however - cut him off completely, he doesn't respect you as he should and I doubt you'll ever redress it at that point.

Don't worry about your friends - it's your life, they'll get over it.

[smackie9]

Very good post staticline :-)

[smackie9]

Pretty much what I said in the first post.... That he feels so stressed out with work that he isn't himself, and that he can't figure out if the way he feels about me is from the stress or is reality. He says he doesn't want to break up-he just wants more time to figure things out, and for us to just continue the way we are. (So monogamous, in a relationship, etc.)

He hadn't even been meaning to talk to me about it... He's a little upset that a friend told me when the conversation had been in confidence. He says he has no answers for me, and he really wants to go talk to someone (friend, therapist) to see if it's a "crazy thought" or not.

He is full of it. He says all those things because he got caught. If your relationship was solid he wouldn't be confiding in a friend about this, he would be confiding in you. You are supposed to be his best friend, the one he can rely on.