looking for advice - not attracted to my girlfriend anymore

[CorvB]

I'm new to the forums, and hope that someone has time to give me some advice. I have been dating a woman for about 11 months now, and for all intents and purposes we have a very good relationship. Both of us are 28, and are very busy and stressed out professionals. I greatly respect who she is, and especially how caring she is to other people. She is fun to be around, and generally pretty positive. That said, I know there are things about each of us that bothers the other, but things are pretty good.

I've come to the realization that I am just not physically attracted to her. In the beginning of the relationship I knew that I wasn't super attracted to her, but I was attracted to certain characteristics (her figure, skin, ect.). It feels very shallow to admit this, and it bothers me quite a bit, because I do enjoy being around her.

I have very few qualms about her - she is a divorcee, and there have been times where I have been related to her ex-husband during arguments. I sometimes feel that the way she views me is often viewed through a filter - comparing me to her ex-husband. She was married for 6 years, and I'm the first guy she dated after her divorce (we started dating about 2 months after there divorce). Part of me feels that it is completely natural for her to compare her current relationship with her past one, and to be sensitive to things that didn't work in that relationship, but sometimes I feel that she treats me unfairly because of her former marriage. There have been times where something seemingly small has been blown way out of proportion, because of something her ex did.

Also, she sometimes makes rather rash decisions, without taking the time to think things through, that often go poorly for her.

I guess I am afraid that perhaps I'm over-analyzing this relationship to try to find faults in it (which is something that I've done in the past). Should I be concerned with the two concerns that I stated, or that I don't find her attractive? I know that she thinks I'm a great catch, and she treats me better than any woman ever has... which makes me sick that I'm not more attracted to her.

If anyone has any advice for me, I would love to hear it. Thanks for your time!

[CorvB]

I re-read my text, and maybe I should clarify -

I am attracted to her personality, but I'm not physically attracted to her. This hasn't affected our sex lives much yet, although she certainly desires more frequent sex than I do.

I'm concerned that I'm not treating her fairly - that she deserves someone who is attracted to her in more ways than I am. I am also concerned about where our relationship will progress - can a relationship be successful if one person isn't physically attracted to the other?

Thanks!

[Gribble]

I think it's normal to become less attracted to a person physically as time goes on. Doesn't make much difference who you're seeing, eventually you're going to grow bored with her. If you truly are attracted to her personality and her mind maybe you should try to work through this. If she's putting on weight maybe you could carefully suggest to her that she come jogging with you in the mornings or something.

The grass always seems greener.

[lesa]

11 months is a very short time and that makes me very concerned. Because of the time thing, I think you should evaluate the pros and cons of just ending the relationship before it progress any further and waste anymore time.

[Charlie Boy II]

What's the point of a girlfriend you're not attracted to?

[Lipp]

Talked to her about it?

[Dasein]

You have be attracted to your girlfriend. At least in the first 11 months of the relationship.

I think you are looking for things because it is quite obvious that she doesn't do it for you.

It isn't your fault so don't feel bad about it. Some people you have chemistry with and others you don't.

[misombra]

she's not over her ex. she was with him for 6 years and is in a serious relationship with you now? you're the rebound guy.

[vashti]

I agree with Gribble. It is normal for attraction to diminish over time. The other things you mentioned were just excuses to justify your leaving her, but you don't need excuses. You are allowed to leave because you aren't married.

[UKboy]

It's pretty obvious it's a 30 yo odd man infatuated?

[CorvB]

Thanks for your comments everyone. I will have to digest this for a while...

[Not_unusual]

could you be falling out of love with her? love is blind and sometimes when it starts to see, thats when its a sign that the love is fading.

[UKboy]

could you be falling out of love with her? love is blind and sometimes when it starts to see, thats when its a sign that the love is fading.

Lust is blind,love is not.
You can't love anyone without knowing them on a very deep level.
It's because Love isn't a feeling but a commitment irregardless.
There you go,you're infatuated.
Save the girl and yourself some time.

[Gigabitch]

IMO, if you're already off her and it's not even a year, there's trouble on the horizon. It sounds like you're in like with her. That's not enough to carry a relationship, even if you didn't have the problems regarding her ex.

Some people are pretty blah about sex to begin with and they don't really need a strong physical attraction to keep them together, but if you were one of those, you'd be posting about the other stuff first. You are clearly someone who holds physical attraction to be important. I do too. It's crucial to me. If I wasn't mad hot for my husband, we would never have made it this far.

So, what is it that IS keeping you together? Is that enough to last for the long haul? If not, why are you prolonging the inevitable?

[Gribble]

What's the point of a girlfriend you're not attracted to?

This I agree with. But it seems to me if you're the sort of person who actually intends to get married at some point you're going to have to get used to it.