Hurting

[Tommy]

It's been about a month and a week since my girlfriend of 5 years (we were engaged) broke up with me. I've had minimal contact with her since then. Haven't seen her in nearly a month. The contact is diminishing. I don't message or call her. I wait for her to do it to me.

I deleted my myspace account last night. Was to hard to read her bulletins and see her messages to other people. It truly seems she has moved on. But only a week ago she called me crying telling me how much she missed me?!

I'm so confused right now. I don't know whether to give it up and try and move or or keep some flicker of hope things might work out. All I want is her back with me, to get married like we planned to this October.

She says the reason she left is she wasn't happy, "things" had changed and right now she doesn't want to be with me, and is letting her heart guide her. But then she says in messages she likes somebody and doesn't want to be single. She says, she is excited to get married. She was engaged to me and would be married, so it must not be me she's excited to marry? But, it's not me that she likes (at least I don't think) and it breaks my heart.

I am concentrating as much as I can on school, but I find myself always thinking of her, wanting to call her, wanting to go to her house. I haven't done any of the above, it's to destructive and would just push her further away. She's slowly slipping from my fingers and i'm having a very hard time accepting the fact she isn't coming back.

[ExpoNovak]

Sometimes when you're with someone for a very long time you become attached to that person above and beyond a romantic bond. The attachment is an everyday thing...a "this is the person I see movies with" or "this is the person who loves my barbeque chicken" type bond. Those are the hardest to get over.

There's really nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better. The only thing that can heal something like this is time. I personally am a bit confused when you say she "likes someone" and "is excited about getting married" does that mean that she is already engaged to someone else? No amount of "forget that bitch" is going to help. All you can really do is take things one day at a time.

Were you hoping to reconcile this with her? What were the circumstances of the breakup?

[Tommy]

Sometimes when you're with someone for a very long time you become attached to that person above and beyond a romantic bond. The attachment is an everyday thing...a "this is the person I see movies with" or "this is the person who loves my barbeque chicken" type bond. Those are the hardest to get over.

There's really nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better. The only thing that can heal something like this is time. I personally am a bit confused when you say she "likes someone" and "is excited about getting married" does that mean that she is already engaged to someone else? No amount of "forget that bitch" is going to help. All you can really do is take things one day at a time.

Were you hoping to reconcile this with her? What were the circumstances of the breakup?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/18352-heres-my-novel.html[/url]
The above is my original thread. I do want to reconcile, I feel that the chance of that happening is all but gone to a point. About her "liking someone" and "excited to get married" and "not wanting to be single." It was a survey and they were questions "what do you think of marriage?" "do you like someone right now?" and those were her answers. Thing is she knows I want to be with her, and i'm here. But those answers she has given must not be about me since I never talk to her, I never see her etc.

We were supposed to get married this October..... She told me she doesn't know if i am the one she wants to be with her entire life. So then, how can she be excited to get married. Sorry my other post is so long, but it explains in fairly good detail the course of the 5 years and some of the reasons we ended up the way we did. At least what I think may have caused it.

Thanks for your response, it is uplifting.

[ExpoNovak]

Every dark cloud has a silver lining. I read your story and I do not mean to offend you in any way, but you were way too dependent on this girl for your daily happiness and security. She isn't stable. I have some guesses on why that may be, but keep in mind they are just guesses.

From what I gather the two of you were very very young when you started this relationship. You seem to be a-ok with not having "been around the block". Your gf on the other hand wants and craves experiences above and beyond what you can give her. She's had you and she's experienced you. Period. She wants to get out and live her life and then settle down. No matter how hurtful that may be its perfectly normal.

Anytime someone EVER says that they love you but aren't "in love" with you it's over. It was over years ago. Things don't recover from that point no matter how much it may seem like they do. This girl deleted things from your computer, was rude, etc because she has a lot of built up resentment toward you. Granted, its her fault for staying, but she still blames you for making her feel guilty. The guy she "likes" is probably her ex. But if I'm right (and I bet I am) after the initial rush wears off she'll walk away from him too in search of greener pastures. It's a pattern that seems to be alarmingly recurring in people who start long-term relationships at a very young age and then abandon them after years and years. They test the water throughout and then finally leave to go chase the rush for a while. I have known a LOT of people who did this.

But....you're free. What you are "in love" with was what your girlfriend provided to you. She was a companion but she was never a true partner. The two of you have had ups and downs and rocky patches for so long aren't you ready to see what a smooth ride should really feel like?

Basically everyone in the world can tell you to stop loving her and it isn't going to make a bit of difference. You can grieve a breakup just like a death (thank you Psych 101) and that is what you have got to do. You have got to let the relationship go and start the grieving process, no matter how hard that may be. Start dating again--even if you don't feel it in your heart. Go out with friends, immerse yourself in school, work, or a new hobby. Don't go around bad-mouthing your ex or watching her house, If she has a Myspace page don't visit it, delete her numbers from your phone and pretend she was a good, albeit bittersweet dream.

And if you see her in public, don't wave. Don't let her call you and cry. Just hang up. These are the things that will show her she screwed up. Right now she is still believing that she could have you back if she wanted. You're better than that. Everyone deserves to have someone who is actually "in love" with them and you are no exception.

[Mathias]

Every dark cloud has a silver lining. I read your story and I do not mean to offend you in any way, but you were way too dependent on this girl for your daily happiness and security. She isn't stable. I have some guesses on why that may be, but keep in mind they are just guesses.

From what I gather the two of you were very very young when you started this relationship. You seem to be a-ok with not having "been around the block". Your gf on the other hand wants and craves experiences above and beyond what you can give her. She's had you and she's experienced you. Period. She wants to get out and live her life and then settle down. No matter how hurtful that may be its perfectly normal.

Anytime someone EVER says that they love you but aren't "in love" with you it's over. It was over years ago. Things don't recover from that point no matter how much it may seem like they do. This girl deleted things from your computer, was rude, etc because she has a lot of built up resentment toward you. Granted, its her fault for staying, but she still blames you for making her feel guilty. The guy she "likes" is probably her ex. But if I'm right (and I bet I am) after the initial rush wears off she'll walk away from him too in search of greener pastures. It's a pattern that seems to be alarmingly recurring in people who start long-term relationships at a very young age and then abandon them after years and years. They test the water throughout and then finally leave to go chase the rush for a while. I have known a LOT of people who did this.

But....you're free. What you are "in love" with was what your girlfriend provided to you. She was a companion but she was never a true partner. The two of you have had ups and downs and rocky patches for so long aren't you ready to see what a smooth ride should really feel like?

Basically everyone in the world can tell you to stop loving her and it isn't going to make a bit of difference. You can grieve a breakup just like a death (thank you Psych 101) and that is what you have got to do. You have got to let the relationship go and start the grieving process, no matter how hard that may be. Start dating again--even if you don't feel it in your heart. Go out with friends, immerse yourself in school, work, or a new hobby. Don't go around bad-mouthing your ex or watching her house, If she has a Myspace page don't visit it, delete her numbers from your phone and pretend she was a good, albeit bittersweet dream.

And if you see her in public, don't wave. Don't let her call you and cry. Just hang up. These are the things that will show her she screwed up. Right now she is still believing that she could have you back if she wanted. You're better than that. Everyone deserves to have someone who is actually "in love" with them and you are no exception.

This is the best post I've seen on LF since I've been back.

Just something to add: Basically was in the same situation a year ago. Pretty much everything that happened to you happened to me...and Expo's advice is absolutely spot on.

[Gigabitch]

Tommy, I want you to print out this thread and keep it for twenty years. When you read it in the future, you will smack yourself on the forehead and chuckle about how ready you were to do something as serious as marriage with this person who clearly wasn't ready for it. You'll be thankful that you dodged that bullet.

Frankly, Tommy, you're not ready either. You haven't experienced nearly enough of life to make an educated decision about what you want for yourself. Peel your sad ass off of your desk chair and go live a little.

I know all you want to do is go back to where it all made sense, but I want you to know that from the outside, your relationship didn't make all that much sense anyway. Of course you miss her and you love her, but I'm not convinced that she was the girl for you.

Remember that the next relationship you get into should not be a serious one. If you present yourself as being ready to commit, you're going to break somebody's heart.

[Tommy]

The support you guys/gals have given me in this situation is something I could never truly thank you for. The insight, experiences and pain you all have gone through has given you the innate ability to guide others who may be going through a rough time like you once did.

I read the above posts several times, and it seems alot more clear to me. I know i'm a great guy, I know i'm going somewhere with my future. In the end the biggest loss will be hers, because if her heart was never fully mine, I guess I never had to much to loose to begin with.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it's yours forever if you so wish, if not it was never yours to begin with.

I'm going to try my best to stay positive and get over it. I have been hanging out with friends (which I haven't done in years literally, and they still stuck by me) and going to school, started my own business etc. Between it all I find downtime and feel sad, but eventaully it will subside.

The next step is decide whether to have contact with her at all. I know everyone's answer will be "absolutely not" I just need to convince myself that i'm ready to really push her out of my life. I guess the story will play itself out, if she pushes herself out. I won't contact her. If she contacts me what to do?

She has text before and I didn't answer and she sent something like "Guess you don't want to talk to me, meh, oh well!" Of course I text her back then for fear of losing her out of my life. But then again I already have lost the girl whom I have loved for so long.

A different place, a different time and everything may have been different. Unfortunately, or maybe even fortunately (not to that point yet, probably won't be for a long while) things didn't work out.

Does anyone have a feeling she is the one making the mistake? I truly feel she is, but it's hers to make.

[Mathias]

If she contacts me what to do?

Ignore it.

This isn't the girl for you--I think you've established that. Why invite pain into your life?

[muspi_2000]

some ppl thrive on pain

[Tommy]

some ppl thrive on pain

I despise the pain. I just want to be happy. Right now it's hard to be happy with her IN my life and it's hard to be happy thinking of her OUT of my life. I'm trying to concentrate on myself and become a better person and much more independent emotionally. Some people just forget how, once they get so comfortable. I was going to marry the girl, at least so I thought, so I got VERY comfortable.

Better now then later I guess.

[ExpoNovak]

I think the girl that you are still in love with is the girl you genuinely believed that she was. Unfortunately, she is not that girl. The good news here is that the girl you are grieving is a girl you have not met yet! The qualities that you love that your ex obviously does not have DO exist within someone else but if you waste too much time on the ex you are taking precious seconds away from the woman you are meant to be with.

Not that you shouldn't give yourself time to grieve, you should, but weeding people out tends to be messier than you could possibly imagine and when emotions are involved it usually doesn't work. Just keep in mind that your EX is not your dream girl. It helps a lot, trust me.

[Tommy]

I think the girl that you are still in love with is the girl you genuinely believed that she was. Unfortunately, she is not that girl. The good news here is that the girl you are grieving is a girl you have not met yet! The qualities that you love that your ex obviously does not have DO exist within someone else but if you waste too much time on the ex you are taking precious seconds away from the woman you are meant to be with.

Not that you shouldn't give yourself time to grieve, you should, but weeding people out tends to be messier than you could possibly imagine and when emotions are involved it usually doesn't work. Just keep in mind that your EX is not your dream girl. It helps a lot, trust me.

Your posts always raise my spirits. I have major ups and then major downs. Don't know if it's the process or what. Some days I'm feeling fine and others (much like today unfortunately) I just feel so drained and sad.

People keep pushing anti-depressants on me, but I don't think those cure the hearts hurt, only mask what you are truly feeling. I want to be better and whole and don't want something to mask the hurt, much like booze (the step my father took).

I'm trying to stay as positive as I can, but like you said above, I relied alot on her being here for my own happiness. I know this is absolutely true since a large majority of the time, I feel very lonely.

Blah, I need a vacation to bad school is in. And on a side note, this is REALLY effecting my motivation for school and i'm trying to get out of the funk, but damn it's hard!

[Gigabitch]

Tommy, you should try to spend as much time outside as you can before the weather gets bad. Go for a little hike and I promise you'll feel better.

I'm glad you're turning down the meds- those are only for emergency situations, and it sounds like you've got your head on pretty straight.

[Tommy]

Up Date: So for the past couple days my ex and I have been talking alot. About various things. At one point we were talking about sexual adventure memories and she was telling me how horny she was. Strange....

Next day we talked all day, through texts. Talked about school, work, the families etc. We talked until the wee hours of the morning.

Today, I messaged her and just said good morning. We talked a bit and then she called. Long story short she ended up coming over and hanging out for about 5 hours? We played with our dog, laughed, watched internet videos and music videos. Just hung out.

She told me she drank for her first time about a month ago, and it seems to me she is drinking fairly often now, which breaks my heart! Nothing I can do. Is it her trying to mask her pain?

How do you explain her actions? When she left today she gave me a hug, held me tight for 30 seconds. I told her I loved her and she smiled. I know i'm doing everything they say i'm not suppose to, I just don't know if I truly can have her not in my life...... I wish I could disappear!

I want her back so badly! But I keep my distance and respect the fact she doesn't want to be with me right now. I held her hand, but I had a feeling it wasn't a good idea. So I didn't try again.

It's devestating to me, to know that after growing our lives together for 5 years, she can leave so easily (or maybe it's not? maybe it's a facade and she is acting this way because she may miss me more than I know, that's what my best friend told me his girlfriend did).

I don't "want to get over her" for fear of having her suddenly want to be with me and realize she made a mistake and me have moved on.

I know no one can "say" what is going on in her head, or what she may be thinking. But, someone give me their best guess.

Broken record! I know! I apologize, but it is just to hard to do it alone, and think about it all by myself.

[cheeze_guy]

honestly man yer gettin good advice from soo many ppl I don't know if what I say is really gunna matter but still I think u should know this. I was with a girl for a long time also and the same kinda shit happened. I was devstated when she broke up with me but as time went on i started to heal and I didn't chace after her once. She started calling me recently telling me she misses me and a bunch of bullshit. Honestly I loved her so much that now that I'm moving on and there are other girls in my life I think its making her want me back and plus I know the guys she was with after me were pieces of crap and me I am the kind of guy that if I love you I worship the ground u walk on and I sex u like a rabbit. I have been seeing her a bit again and she'll drop by my apartment suprising me with visits and I am gettin laid by her again just a little. I don't know if it's because of the sex or the fact we were tohgether so long but I dont care anymore. I am lookin for the right girl and hopefully one day she'll pop up but until then u just gotta have fun with it and make sure u dont get hurt again even tho its impossible really. Just protect yerself by not doing anything u dont want to do and enjoy what u can. Hope I showed u that at least yer not te only guy who feels like they're gettin pulled in 12 directions just make sure u stay on yer feet